I continue to vigilantly do battle with my present as I strive to fight for a brighter future, but in doing so fear I could destroy the foundations of my empire. I have taken measures to further my art that may prove fruitful. I remain at a loss for a recording facility sufficient for my radio show, but the motion-comicization of the first episode is underway which brings me much joy. The prospect of having visuals that correspond to my complex audio mixes is most exciting indeed, and would only by trumped by having complete comic books available at the local comic book store for us to make a marginal prophet off of and add to our portfolios so as to boost the probability of our joining the professional ranks. (*Internet penetrating gaze!*) I hope to at long last enthrall audiences once again with The Astonishing Dude in the coming months. Ego-centricity is something I have long come to terms with, particularly from a philosophical sense, but there are few things that bring me as much joy as having an audience. Granted, virtual audiences online are not as gratifying as watching people laugh and react to my work. That was one of the great things about film, and one of the horrible things about writing.
Side Note: Perhaps gathering a small group for live readings of my various works in progress would be both gratifying, educational so that I may see where things need improvements, and encouraging so that I may once again continue writing. The difficulty is in that large chunks of prose tend to drag more than snappy conversations in scripts. People are more attentive to comedy that comes quick and sharp. Still, this is worth considering. I’ve had offers from a former teacher for taking her instructional writing course at a discounted price, but my fear is that I will not have the audience I seek. The only thing worse than not having an audience is having one that does not relate. Anyway, there’s that.
In my constant search for purposeful activity I came across and advertisement on Craigslist (interesting how I automatically write that as one word) for the formation of a comedy troupe in the downtown area. I traveled to the destination, unaware of what I might find (and foolishly unarmed,) and was met with a disappoint I find surprising considering I had formed no expectations or garnered any hope considering my previous experiences with “Oh my dear Aunt Sally! I can’t wait! I will go to this class/meeting/social engagement and make all kinds of friends with people who understand and relate to me, as well as share my drive for success and artistic vision!” otherwise referred to as the delusion known as optimism. The ad was posted by a man in his mid-fifties who smoked and drank throughout the meeting whilst going on and on about how great everything is going to be while having little-to-no plan of attack and asking those in attendance for ideas while hardly giving anyone opportunity to speak or else inadvertently insulting the ideas that were brought up. He was dressed in the manner of someone who, I’m trying to think of a way to describe it in a way people can understand because I am certain everyone at least once in their life has met a person like this or else is one of these people, but who tried really hard to clean himself up and dress respectably so as to garner a positive first impression by throwing on a half-buttoned shirt over a white wife-beater. I was most interested in his hair, which was curly and about neck-length, yet seemed to be held up by an invisible headband. He certainly came across as a self-confidant man who did not care what others thought about him and lived a life free of stress yet worked hard his whole life, which is something I can’t help but admire while coughing up a storm. Those in attendance were a woman who was just looking for something to do in her spare time to get her away from the people she lived with, and myself. She volunteers at a shelter for women, where she also happens to live, and was looking for extra activities to do on the side that were not depressing, hoping to be primarily involved with behind the scenes tasks for production. When my ever-so-brief history of game art and design was brought up it was clear he had no respect for videogames as an art form, referring to it as the movement of information, with nothing actually being physically created, and providing no benefit to mankind, which I found to be ironic considering he was trying to produce a sketch comedy show on public access television. Some people do not understand the nature of videogames as an artistic medium, and I am willing to accept that. Still, had I not been frozen in discomfort from being in an unfamiliar location with unfamiliar people I would have retorted with a hadouken to the face.
I had ideas to share, but unfortunately this was not my audience, and not the people I required to deliver on my concepts. The man has a large space all to himself that he is prepared to modify into any set we require, and he apparently has the construction background to do it. It would be a shame not to take advantage of his resources, and so the first thing that came to my mind was a live-action version of The Astonishing Dude, given that it would be simple to get actors to volunteer given that I could use the radio show cast, scripts were already written, and music was composed. All that’s lacking is equipment, costumes, and a giant vat of prehistoric tentacle sharks. Sadly I was not able to properly explain The Astonishing Dude in full effect, and was treated to a lecture on proper story-telling techniques. It’s true that by its very nature The Astonishing Dude is lacking in depth, but that’s the joke. In fact I had not anticipated having any character development whatsoever until I stumbled upon it with my female lead, but I was interrupted before I even got through explaining the opening sequence of the first episode. I didn’t even get to bring up plot or characters. It was fairly insulting. Yes, yes, I understand he had no idea that it was I, the great and powerful LORD VELTHA, with whom he had the pleasure of breathing the same smoke-filled air with, but he not also be aware that he had no idea who I was, and thus was unaware of the power I could have potentially held? I do not appreciate people assuming that I am a worthless sack of refuse. I prefer people to take their time before reaching that conclusion.
A week from now is the second meeting of the group. I will attend, and decide afterwards if it shows any promise. The presence of people I know I do not like the idea of quitting something before it starts when it is so difficult for me to find opportunities, and even harder to recognize them. I do not resonate at a common frequency. It is difficult for me to find connection with others. When a bond is strong I am able to enjoy and create, otherwise I lock up like I did last week. Time and dedication is important as well. Dependable soldiers are key. A talented captain is nothing without a talented crew, and a talented crew is nothing without a talented captain… or however the expression goes. I really should watch The Irresponsible Captain Tylor again. I find it’s easier for me to have faith in my crew than it is to have faith in a captain. If I am to be led it must be by someone worthy of leading me. If I am in a leadership position than it is my responsibility, and I can tolerate the failure of a project better than if I leave my fate in the hands of another. Still, either way I must learn to be more cooperative with those I do not resonate with. I won’t, and do not, always have a choice. All I want is to succeed. My inner peace hinges on triumph. It’s far too painful to go on without feelings of accomplishments and fulfillment. I must continue to seek ways of preventing this pain at all costs.
Art is not the only avenue I cross in my search for purpose. I am also seeking part-time work in a more traditional sense, but it is difficult finding employment I am suitable for. If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Perhaps if I sought employment in places I have no hope of succeeding at I would get the job. My life is ruled by ironic circumstance. My goal is to find purpose and fulfillment so as to attain inner peace, and so applying at places I’m sure to be miserable seems impractical. I’m always afraid writing of my sensory and emotional sensitivities to social and environmental stimuli will make me seem high maintenance and pompous, and if anything should make me seem high maintenance and pompous it’s the golden statue of myself I keep in the bathroom to hold my towels and make people uncomfortable as they urinate.
Money would be great. I’m not saying a little extra coin in the bank wouldn’t be appreciated, because with a better financial situation my dreams have a higher probability of coming true, but the priority is to do something other than go completely insane and finally snap when I reach my next week filled of despair. They come all too often, and I’m starting to lose faith in my will. Just for fun, I’m going to try to come up with a series of ideal scenarios for my future. These will of course be almost but not quite entirely unrealistic, but still have the potential to be attainable.
Ideal Future:
I am a successful novelist, comic writer, voice actor, game designer, and director who lives in a fully-financed home with my wife (Ideal relationship scenario rules not discussed here apply.) and, tentatively, child (as while I may be skeptical of passing along my genes, there are already too many foolish irresponsible people in the world, and it would be a shame to prevent the spread of my positive character traits. Plus if I pass along my experience and train him or her how to cope with their blessing/curse from a young age they will be infinitely more adept at succeeding in life than I ever was, and so in this ideal scenario that amounts to them ruling the universe). I have teams of talented creative people working under or along-side me in various projects. The capacity of my involvement varies from project to project. For the most part I serve as a creative director looking over people’s shoulders and saying, “You know what’d be cool?” and they do it, or come up with a better idea. Basically, I daydream and people make my dreams reality. I am able to do whatever it is I feel like doing. Since I am able to do every aspect of a project that brings me joy and have dedicated reliable people to do all of the things I am capable of doing yet really drives me nuts, things do not get overwhelming. The work environment is friendly and stimulates creativity, keeping everyone happy and in line. People want to work there because they are free to create. I have love. I have friendship. I have financial security. I have sense of purpose and fulfillment.
Best foreseeable future:
I live in an apartment with close friends (though I understand it’s best to live with roommates as a strictly business relationship so there is little emotional attachment and little risk of hurting feelings and ruining friendships, this is an ideal scenario, so I can get away with hypothetically living with friends)
Fantasy Future:
I live in a sprawling five-story mansion called “The Velthan Home For Wayward Girls” where I live with all of my friends, who happen to be aliens, cyborg, demons, and time-travelers with unnaturally colorful hair, and together we explore alternate realities and solve mysteries. Eventually I get a normal non-superpowered girlfriend who all of my friends are jealous of and resentful towards and try to foil behind my back although in the end nothing really changes. We also have a somewhat meek butler everyone picks on and insults, although when everyone has sustained injuries from fighting our arch-nemesis and our home is under attack he displays incredible martial arts abilities and defends the mansion from hundreds of evil demonic robot drones single-handedly before tending to our wounds and receiving no praise. Basically a generic harem anime plot that has absolutely no chance of becoming reality, unless is merely became MY reality after slipping into a comatose state, which I suppose would be acceptable as long as I was unaware that it was a dream. It would be horrible for the real world to go on without my extra-greatness, but still, it’d be fun.
I have come up with a new prototype that measures the emotional wellbeing of the user. Instruments on a wrist-mounted device display the wearer’s levels of focus, concentration, determination, and strength of will. The device can be linked to the cell phones or social web pages of the user’s friends and loved ones, and can be configured to send notifications to others in times of great emotional stress. Unfortunately, the gauges can be imprecise given the nature of individuality and the difficulty in quantifying emotions on a percentage-based scale, and in particular the readings for determination and will-power can be misleading if the other measurements are not taken into consideration. Measures are being taken to simplify the device to include only one gauge that measures stress, but I feel the ability for the user to view events in their lives contribute to the separate aspects of stress will be beneficial in the long run to those who learning to become in tune with the way external stressors affect various aspects of their well-being rather than making the device a simple “mood ring.” Efforts are also being taken to streamline the configuration process so that the wearer’s pineal gland isn’t atrophied in the process. This was an unforeseen oversight along with the sudden unexplained detonation of the amigdala and corresponding shut-down of the limbic system. These anomalies have been logged as “A-bugs” for future corrections. Volunteers for further research have become scarce, but our advancements in mind-control technology have resulted in no loss for test subjects.
This concludes today’s blog entry.
Pathos and good will,
Lord Veltha
