FAIL

I am very tired. I've been fighting against my nature for years. I am a coward. I am weak. I try to go against my fate, but I always return to the same state of purposelessness. All I do are hobbies to keep myself and my friends entertained, and it's a decent temporary anesthetic, but I can't keep it up forever. I don't want to be a useless freak anymore. I need purpose. I need a future worth fighting for. No matter how hard I try I will always fail because I have trained myself with the most vigorous regimen imaginable for failure.

Theatre class was supposed to be a clearly defined stepping stone on a road paved with dreams. I would learn how to tap my abilities to their fullest, and have some sense of direction as to where to go next as I head towards success. One thing at a time. Not worrying about the big picture, just holding a vision of an optimistic outcome and expecting it to come true. I cowered before the threat of adversity. I thoroughly despise applying for grants due to my great discomfort around paperwork I don't understand, or things I don't understand in general. I registered on my own. I fled the atrium when I realised I had no idea what I was doing, but after a brief respite I went back in on reconnaissance and succeeded. This is all well and good so far.

Then I went in to class today and saw someone I have an unfortunately tumultuous history with. Rather than simply suck it up and continue fighting, I fled, and am here now blogging of my cowardice on a blog intended to impress potential henchmen with tales of my triumph. I walked right out of the room. I didn't go back. There was even screaming involved. Screaming in public is a reoccurring habit I've been able to reduce over the years, much to the delight of pedestrians, but have yet to fully abolish.

I do not try hard enough. It was fully within my ability to fight. Everything I have lost I have lost because I am a weakling. I've shunned friends, dropped out of college, lost a radio show, all because I was not strong enough to continue. It all comes down to a choice and I deliberately choose to flee. There is a limit to how much a man can take. I am well aware of this. There are limits that when reached must be recognised, accepted, and let be while you recover by playing Mariokart and blaring your headphones. I know I could have gone back, and I chose not to. Yes, I was crying. Yes, I was screaming. I have the ability to put that aside. When technology failed me during the first attempt at airing episode 2 of The Astonishing Dude I panicked about as much as my body is capable of panicking, but I persevered. This was nothing by comparison, and I choked.

This blog entry will self-destruct. Failure of this magnitude will not be tolerated. I merely needed a place to vent my frustrations towards the fact that I am trapped in this fragile psyche.