Lord Veltha VS Online Job Application

Most evil overlords are blessed with nearly limitless amounts of funding for their diabolical schemes. Some seem to be able to construct enormous space stations out of thin air every six or seven months (I'm looking at you, Dr. Eggman. By the way: Worst overlord name EVER. Should have stuck with Robotnik.) I on the other hand have not discovered the website where you can apply for evil grants and must fund my empire by getting a... a...

*cough*

A uh... job... I guess...

Not only will finding a job allow me to finance my insidious plot, but it will also fill me with the rage of the common people and fuel my resolve to conquer the world. After all, the overlord is a public servant like any other. Some villains lose sight of that. If I can better understand the plight of the common man, then I can better understand how to make the world a better place. And you all better be grateful! So says Lord Veltha. Plus, having a job comes with the added bonus of garnering respect from people I don't care about. Some people have it in their head that others aren't worth their time unless the have a job, a car, and a place of their own. Only then do they take the time to meet you. Naturally, everyone who meets me thinks I'm the greatest (Please don't confuse optimism with egotism.) I'm more likely to be friends with people who judge me only on merit, but it's harder to get out and meet friends without a job or a car. When I take over the world...

So far I have only made it to the first stage of job acquisition: applications. I've applied to a handful of locations and seek to find more that can possibly accommodate my magnificence. One such location uses the internet in lieu of killing trees (I'm telling you man: hemp! Way of the future.) and so far has the most interesting self-indulgent "Facebook Quiz" like questionnaire.

"Are you now, or have you ever been known by any other name, or have you changed your name (first or last)?"
Every time I come across this question I am always tempted to list Lord Veltha as my alias. (For your information, "Lord Veltha" was not my given name, nor have I legally changed it to such. I feel your disappointment.) For that matter, whenever I am asked for information regarding previous employment I am driven to list the company as "The Velthan Empire" and my position as "Overlord." While I see this as evidence of over qualification for any position I would care to apply for (CEO of a major corporation, video game director/producer, sandwich artist, etc.) there are some (read: all prospective employers) who would not take me seriously. They of course will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. For now I must play their little bureaucratic mind games.

"Are you applying for a job in West Virginia?"
This could just be me. Perhaps it doesn't bother anyone else. It's not that big of a deal, really, and it's probably too much trouble to do this, but I would think that if someone lists their home address and the store location they wish to apply for as being somewhere in the... oh, I don't know... the Pacific North West for example, that this question should not be present on the application. I understand it's difficult to program little details like that and it's easier to just have the computer ask you ridiculous questions, but, you know... anyway...

Oh, I got a kick out of this next one.

"Do you believe it is okay to take small things from your employer without paying for them, such as soda or candy?"
Only if my employer is Bill Gates. He has a swimming pool filled with glazed donuts. He's not going to miss one puny little Mars Bar.
No I do not bloody well think it is okay to steal anything from anyone! Look at that. You made be swear a soddy British cuss. Blimey! To think that anyone would actually answer "yes" to this question fills me with enough rage to curb-stomp kittens. You don't even need a curb to crush kittens, but I'm willing to go outside and take my time because I could use some fresh air as I violently mutilate adorable mammals.
"My Lord, is that a whisker on your boot?"
"Silence, peasant!"
"Yes, My Lord!"

"Can you perform the essential functions of this job or the jobs for which you are applying with or without reasonable accommodations?"
What would constitute as an unreasonable accommodation? So long as I can use a mind control device to manipulate the essences of my co-workers' human nature I'm set to go. Double plus if I can use it on customers. Once I do, then who's to say what is reasonable or otherwise? Sooo... yes. Yes I can.

"Do you like to play video games?"
Does a beleonephobe scream when you push them into a tub of syringes?

"Are you applying for a job in California?"
Does the pope shit in the woods?

"The following are statements about many attitudes and experiences. Read each statement and select the answer that best describes you. Work quickly - choose the answer that comes to mind first."
Alright! This is why I'm here. By here, I mean blogging about these wonderful job applications. Now, I already have a contract written up for anyone who wishes to officially join my evil organization. I wrote it back in high school when I was but a wee menace to society. I don't actually have an application yet, since I judge a person in person rather than on paper, but if I did have an application it would most certainly feature some of these statements. They're multiple choice, and the answers are always "Strongly disagree," "disagree," "agree," "strongly agree."

You would rather not get involved in other people's problems

You say whatever is on your mind (My mouth could never keep up)

You get angry more often than nervous (Catch-22. Angry or nervous? You can't win either way.)

There are some people you really can't stand (And if they're customers I will treat them with respect.)

People do a lot of things that make you angry (Well, not a LOT of things...)

Right now, you care more about having fun than being serious at school or work (Only 'cause I don't have school or work. I'm an artist, and expressing myself is fun.)

It bothers you a long time when someone is unfair to you (I will never forgive that barber for shortchanging me.)

You agree with people more than you argue (How do you answer this without sounding like a pushover or a jerk? I wish they would word it differently, but I guess that's the point of this process.)

When people make mistakes, you correct them

You swear when you argue (No, just when I'm really enthusiastic.)

People who talk all the time are annoying (Depends on what they're talking about and whether or not their voice sounds like dying rabbits attacking a chalkboard.)

There's no use having close friends; they always let you down (<-- Funniest statement on this list. How horrible!)

It bothers you when you have to obey a lot of rules (Oh please... I'm the overlord.)

You have no big worries (Just zombies, but what are the chances of... what's that at my window?)

You love to listen to people talk about themselves (Only if they're awesome.)

Many people cannot be trusted (Only vampires.)

You do some things that upset people (Doesn't everyone? Nobody's perfect. Careful not to sound like a lier answering this.)

You have no big regrets about your past (What if you say yes, and people think "Oh, they must've done something pretty screwed up," when really you just wish you had come to someone's defense when they needed it and your life has hereafter been filled with angst?)

It's fun to go out to events with big crowds

Your stuff is often kind of messy

You'd rather not compete very much

You do not fake being polite (I don't think I could. I just am.)

You don't care if you offend people (Of course I care... but it doesn't seem to stop me from pissing certain people off.)

You are not interested in your friends' problems (Then why would they be your friends? Horrible question.)

You always try not to hurt people's feelings

You are a fairly private person (Nothin' wrong with that.)

When you are annoyed with something, you say so (Nothin' wrong with that either, unless you answered "Strongly Disagree" to the one about hurting people's feelings.)

Your friends and family approve of the things you do (If you're doing things right only your friends will. I seem to have everyone's support. Darn me for being great.)

You have to give up on some things that you start

You avoid arguments as much as possible

People do a lot of annoying things (Like breathe)

It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free (Someone must bring villains to justice. Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I shall strike fear into their hearts. I shall become a man clad in spandex!)

You can wait patiently for a long time (Define: patiently... and make it quick.)

You are unsure of what to say when you meet someone (I'm unsure if it's the right thing to say, but I can usually say something.)

You like to take frequent breaks when working on something difficult (Pacing is important.)

You look back and feel bad about things you've done (I should not have stomped on that cat. It's stuck in the tread of my boot and nothing will get it out.)

You ignore people you don't like (The people I don't like are nearly impossible to ignore. That's part of why I don't like them.)

You don't believe a lot of what people say (I'm incredibly gullible.)

You keep calm when under stress

You don't act polite when you don't want to

You ignore people's small mistakes

You keep your feelings to yourself

When your friends need help, they call you first (No, but that may be more to do with them not having my phone number or living in another state.)

You don't care what people think of you (Again, how do you answer this?)

When you go someplace, you are never late (NEVER)

You get mad at yourself when you make mistakes (And fall on my sword in atonement.)

You make more sensible choices than careless ones (I'm trying my best to make more careless choices.)

You are unsure of yourself with new people

You give direct criticism when you need to

You are careful not to offend people

You could describe yourself as 'tidy' (I describe myself using nouns and adverbs, and I make sure to do so in the third person.)

You like to be alone

When someone treats you badly, you ignore it

You chat with people you don't know

Other people's feelings are their own business (If they want it that way. I look at every question as an individual. I forget the employer will compare my answers to other questions. Hopefully if I say "No" they'll be able to tell by the others that I'm not nosy, I just care.)

Slow-moving people make you impatient (On freeways)

You would rather work on a team than by yourself (Emphasis on "team." I thoroughly despise working in "groups." I'm not sure I've ever had a team before. I'd like one.)

It is easy for you to feel what others are feeling

People are often mean to you (You might sound pessimistic if you agree with this, but what if it's the truth? Some people are naturally born punching bags.)

You do not like small talk (It's hard to have deep meaningful conversations at bus stops, and Jehovah's Witnesses are pretty single-minded and don't like discussing Greek Mythology... so...)

You've done your share of troublemaking (Um... evil overlord?)

Any trouble you have is your own fault

You do what you want, no matter what others think (Artist... who's just now getting around to finding a "real" job.)

It is hard to really care about work when the job is boring (I may not "care" per say, but sometimes tedious menial tasks are okay. I'm an animator. Tedious menial tasks are my life.)

You have friends, but don't like them to be too close (Sad day. These questions are so depressing.)

You criticize people when they deserve it

You sometimes thought seriously about quitting high school

You do not like to meet new people

You are not afraid to tell someone off

You don't work too hard because it doesn't pay off anyway (I'm trying to conquer the world. Where's the pay off in ruling over humanity?)

You do things carefully so you don't make mistakes

You could not deal with difficult people all day

You do not like to take orders

People's feelings are sometimes hurt by what you say (People are insulted by Porky Pig's stuttering.)

You are somewhat of a thrill-seeker (I went into a comic book store on free comic book day! What a rush!)

There're about 125 total, and these are a few of my favorites. I really hope they weren't timing my responses as I copied and pasted them here. Some of these questions just made me burst into laughter, especially the ones about how having friends aren't worth it, and such forth. So horrible! I guess it gets right to the point. I would definitely like to use a questionnaire like that for recruiting henchmen. I would also like a Sasuke/Ninja Warrior obstacle course.

All hail Lord Veltha!

(I'm afraid I'm getting far too in character with this blog. I better cool it for the next one.)