Lord Veltha Versus The Power of FRIENDSHIIIIIP!

The key to being an effective overlord is learning how to properly utilize and trust your henchmen. After all, without minions you're just another man in a cape trying to conquer the world. A villain, sure, but not an overlord.

This is where I have my largest difficulties on my path towards conquest. Given my nature as a flamboyantly dressed, egomaniacal, "if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself" type of person, I am actually suppressing my potential for global domination by limiting my reliance on vassals.

I compare my work to that of professionals in all that I do, and I look on my works ye mighty and despair, for I am merely "good." It also seems that about 75% of everything I do consists of busy work. I things that allow me to utilize my imagination, to socialize with like-minded individuals, and allow me to use my natural ability to mimic the voice of Patrick Warburton, like writing, directing, and prank calling Neil Patrick Harris. I enjoy things like animation (which takes for effing EVER), doodling (I don't particularly consider what I do to be "drawing" so much as giving circles legs), and editing audio (we'll get to that.) That is, I enjoy these things to a certain extent. For the first few hours I am enchanted by the creative process, but soon after my first pumpkin pie break it becomes tedious busy work that never seems to end. I love watching this come to fruition, and giggle with mad glee at well-timed audio cues, or simple chunks of narration magically transformed into an intense monster truck show of layered effects, but these things require patience. Regardless, these are things I must have control over so I do them myself. I know what I am capable of, but the abilities of others are a mystery to me. Certainty is a necessity that is more commonly a luxury.

Accepting of course that I am infallible, that everything I do is right, and what my mother said about how I can do anything I put my mind to is true; even if I am capable of doing everything perfectly, everything is a hell of a lot to do. I must learn to delegate tasks, but this goes against more than a decade and a half of bad programing. Back in the good old days of basic education it was standard practice for me to do group projects on my own. As such I never learned essential social skills pertaining to dictatorship, such as divvying workloads, organisation of meetings outside of class, and Japanese water torture.

Slowly but surely I am acquiring theme skills in my work on The Astonishing Dude. Organizing rehearsals and recording session is a challenge best compared to forcefully aligning the planets, where every individual and every resource required is a planet in orbit around my metaphor. This troop rallying is a task I must not give to another because that would encourage my anti-social behavior.

Once the project is recorded I will continue to edit it myself as I have been. However, uploading the project to the new venue, YouTube, is a responsibility I may have to force on others. You see, it's not enough just to upload the show. It was intended for radio. I fear the attention deficit masses will not show interest in my program when there are things out there like YouTube Street Fighter. Animation in some form is required. Kinetic Typography is the approach I'm taking now. Though my program isn't up to the complexities of more impressive works, it's enough, or would be if I had the patience for it. As is, I've worked on it for approximately eight hours and am only an eighth of the way through my thirty minute show. The other more tantalizing option is to include illustrations, but again, if we're gonna do it we're gonna do it right. My editing program doesn't allow for delicate camera movements with still images. The artwork would certainly be enough to carry the piece though. I know I should not be picky, but it is my nature.

I believe film or theater would be an acceptable compromise, or present compromises that would be acceptable, or possibly compromise my acceptance if I go about it all wrong. The point is that in these two live action media lies the potential for artistic communion in my budding criminal empire. I wouldn't be able to do any acting. My body is stiff and awkward. Plus, if I wrote the script, which would be the plan, I wouldn't be able to memorize it. Ask anyone I've ever written an email to, and they will tell you that these blogs are like children's books in comparison. My dialog tends to be on the wordy side. Plus I have the memory of a brain damaged goldfish. Even other fish would say, "Seriously, man? We passed that pebble like, .0008 seconds ago. What's your problem? Stay with it, bitch!" I would have a better chance of memorizing something I wrote, just as I have an easier time acting out my own writing than scripts from the East Coast folks I tend to do business with online, but it would all be to no avail. Writing and directing would have to go hand in hand. As I understand it, it's uncommon for screenwriters to be involved in a professional production beyond typing the words "The End." Thankfully, I am not yet a professional, so in theory I should have time to build a reputation that demands involvement in as much of the film as possible due to my sheer unrelenting brilliance. I wouldn't have to do all of it myself, which brings me back to the point of this entry.

I feel as though it would be easier for me to relinquish editing duties of a film project to someone qualified for the position than it would be for the radio program. Radio involves a lot of micromanaging and sound design to create a world exclusively through audio. With film most of what the audience perceives is captured by the camera. Foley and music can be added later, but most of the essential elements are there from the start. Editing is done in swift smooth strokes as opposed to subtle jabs. Not that it isn't difficult, especially with multiple takes and angles to choose from. I don't wish to insult any filmmakers, I'm simply making observations from my experience. The process is different, and I feel it would be easier for me to leave the post-production, pre-production, and present-tense-production to the professionals and I would have less need to be in complete control (though I would still like to supervise.)

Projects on the table:

1. The Astonishing Dude Episode 3 (Still need casting, rehearsals, and to actually record the damn thing.)
2. Lawrence The Majestic (Originally intended to adapt my short story into a short film. That didn't work out. It's going to be much longer. Still need to finish the script. We'll wing it from there.)
3. Unnamed Project (Read part of a script I started to my allies. It seemed to illicit a positive response, and a potential internet meme. It sounds promising enough I may need to focus more attention on it. Will possibly become a YouTube series... if I actually manage to complete a script and build the drive and courage to actually do something with it. That's a big problem with a lot of my work. There's so much I want to accomplish, but I lack the ambition to get off my ass.)
4. Everything F-ing else (As usual, my attempts at novel writing are set to the back burner. As much as I like writing, most of it involves keeping to myself for prolonged periods of time. I would much prefer to mix work and play-time by doing projects I can work on with friends. Plus I'm not good at things like "plot" or "world creation." Dialog is my thing. It's what I do.)

This reminds me; I ran into one of my former writing teachers. She commented on how I do a lot of little projects that don't seem to go anywhere. That wasn't precisely the way she worded it, but that was the point, and it's something that has been on my mind. It seems no matter what I do very little in my life changes. When something does go off in a new direction, eventually the road runs out and I'm back where I started. It's like my fate is a giant rubber-band. The more I accomplish and the further away I get from my default position of uselessness and unproductivity the more it hurts when it finally snaps back, and it always snaps back. I tried school. I tried animation. I tried writing class. I tried radio. It seems as though I am only able to do things for a certain amount of time and I'm back with nothing. It takes so much effort to get as far as I do, but eventually circumstances send me back. I must find a way to escape this eternal return.

I just hope my path lies in the direction of art, and not in the direction of incurable disease, violent crimes, or horrible mind fracturing accidents that unlock the deepest recesses of my mind and release all of my various suppressed fears and paranoia causing them to manifest in a complete alteration of the way I perceive the world around me so that I am never able to will myself into becoming a productive member of society due to the fact that I am never able to follow the infrastructure of the fabricated reality mankind has built for itself after centuries of deluding itself into believing that the path to enlightenment lies in a convoluted system of populous control built around abstract concepts such as law and order that has been perverted and exploited by corrupt bureaucrats who value bartering units over human life.

That would be a bummer.

Pathos and goodwill,

Lord Veltha

Lord Veltha VS Stand-up Comedy

Yes, that is correct. I, the Infamous Lord Veltha, Prince of Paradox, Dastardly Deviant of Dis-Illusion, and maker of dangerous cheeses, have joined the likes of great stand-up comedians such as my idol Dr. Victor Von Doom (Orbital death rays don't always work their way into the economy of an Eastern European nation stuck in the middle ages, so you gotta do a little somethin' somethin' on the side. A good dictator understands this.)

This weekend was a great success in an already astounding line up of achievements by yours truly, and was kicked off by a victory over my eternal nemesis, Portland Oregon. This wasn't exactly THE victory over the city that frequently thwarts my desires for a fulfilling life, but I was able to claim high scores for Vampire Savior, Asteroids, and Bust-A-Move at Ground Kontrol if only because the scores are reset daily and nobody plays them. This was quickly followed up by a bacon maple bar at Voodoo Doughnut II and a trip back home to the local soda shop for some entertainment.

For roughly eight months (judging from the hastily browsed "Past Events" section on Facebook. I have no idea or care whether this is an accurate count. I have more important matters to attend to, like embedding stupid videos.) the Hilarious Six have been regaling audiences at Pop Culture every second Saturday of the month with their witticisms and songs. I have only had the pleasure of seeing them once before, and have since been thwarted by Fate in my attempts to not be too busy to come.

The evening contained commentary on viral videos, songs by Steven Lynch, re-dubs of "A Charlie Brown Christmas," and facts about horses I didn't even know could be compared to myself (I too can be measured with a hand, where each hand equals four inches.) Before the commencement of the festivities, I was asked by ally and TAD henchman, Kameron Foster, if I would like to participate on stage. I was also assured by Jason Nguyen that I could not possibly bomb as hard as he had in the past, which was perhaps the best possible ego pandering an overlord could have asked for given Jason's comedic aptitude.

I have since learned that KKK jokes do not go over as well for Vancouver audiences as jokes about masturbation. My leading sociologists are currently reviewing statistics now in order to conclude why exactly this is, but my tentative hypothesis is this: Vancouvians are perverts. The rest of my set involved various social shortcomings I face, including a story of bitter-sweet success from a previous blog posting.

I eventually had to be played off with music like an Oscar winner that simply won't shut up, and they couldn't have done it a moment too soon as I had managed to cover my entire life experience in the span of five minutes. I was rewarded with hugs from the other comedians and a strong burning sensation in my stomach similar to my gastric reaction to karaoke.

Stand-up comedy is the most productive form of self-deprecation, and when it burns it burns good. Time will tell if the infection can be cured.

Sewing the Seeds of Fate

The whole point of school, as I understand it, is to learn what you need to learn in order to lead a successful and/or fulfilling life. The system doesn't seem to hold to that ideal (though I've heard great things about Evergreen State, and considering half the people I know go there there must be a reason for it.) Do what you've gotta do to do what you want to do. A well-rounded education certainly isn't gonna hurt. If you're familiar with history, psychology, literature, what-have-you, you can draw from it for inspiration and craft better stories. It's not so much what you know as it is what you can do, and most importantly who knows what you can do. If college can help you get the connections you need in order to get into your desired field then that's definitely the way to go. That was one of the big draws the Art Institute had. Not only could they teach you how to make video games, they had actual connections to developers! Hell, if it weren't for the poor learning environment, bad hours, the soul crushing debt I had taken on in student loans, my own emotional baggage, and the fact I only had one class that actually pertained to my goals and I felt really passionate about while all the others were about covering bridges in fabric and teaching students how to use a keyboard, then by golly I would've stayed. As it stands, I physically had to hold myself back to keep from hurling myself into traffic. I did get a great bag from that school though. It's been with me for years. I've never had a backpack last this long.

I have done my fair share of research, and the general consensus, even among comic artists, is that comics are a waste of time and money (I would love to link to a specific article where the first words of advice are "Cancel all social engagements for the next seven years," but I can't seem to find it again.) Unless fortune smiles on you and you become an instant success you're gonna want a regular job to keep a roof over your head and instant ramen in your stomach, and that's where the college education helps because it looks good when you are applying for a managerial position at Blockbuster. Me? I'm dumber than a lobotomized sheep and have the social skills of a land-mine with palsy. The creative arts are my only shot at a life.

Resources are important. A battle plan must be forged before drastic measures are taken. Unless you have a game plan, you could end up a chronically unemployed, socially-disengaged, eternally recurring pursuer of knowledge doomed to fail, overlord like myself whether you continue with school or not. Don't ditch school unless you have a firm grasp of what you need to do to succeed. Failure is still a possibility, and I understand how terrifying risk can be, but some times you just gotta blind-fire around the corner and hope for the best too. You need tools in order to carve your dreams into the bathroom stall of life. Sadly, I'm just now starting to learn for myself how to get the ball rolling and how to request assistance when the proverbial sphere starts rolling back down the hill of adversity because I'm arrogant enough to assume I can do everything on my own, and ignorant enough to assume I should.

The Astonishing Dude was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. It was a way to utilize my writing abilities, learn new skills, bring my allies together, and finally create something after years of struggling with projects I start but never finish and certainly never put before an audience. It was all thanks to a chain of events that began with a simple newspaper. This was one of the few times I was able to fully take matters into my own hands and place myself well outside of my comfort zone, risking complete failure and embarrassment, yet reigning triumphant (for a couple months...)

I wish to do this again. I am keeping my eye out for opportunities again. I am in the midst of tentatively adapting a short story into a screenplay that I will possibly place in the hands o cinematographic mercenaries as a means of testing those waters for a possible future. I need time to prepare and organize a strike-force to re-initiate The Astonishing Dude (I must also seek a new online host for the show. An official Astonishing Dude website would be best, but I will settle for MySpace if I can find someone to design the page for me.) I am also seeking financial aid and enrollment assistance so that I may audit a theater class. I have no intention of enrolling full-time or attempting to get a degree. My only wish is to exploit the school for services I am interested in, learning that which I am eager to learn, and using those tools of the trade to construct a dreadnought of acting ability that I may use to rule the world! Even the Vancouver Voice, the gateway that allowed me to accomplish my finest achievement, had a posting that they were for want of a Neighborhood Beats writer, for which I have inquired about but have not received a reply, and really have no delusions that I will. I am experimenting. I am watching. I am in wait for the next time Fate shows a weakness, that I might perchance to savagely forge for myself a brighter future in her blood.

(Disclaimer: I am an unemployed overlord with delusions of hope. I am in no way encouraging anyone to terminate their education. I am merely trying assist people in realizing personal empowerment so that they may get a hold of their lives in a way they feel is right for themselves. This commentary does not reflect the opinions of anyone other than a depraved and beaten man who lives at home with his mother. Only you can prevent forest fires. Winners don't use drugs. The more you know...)