Avengers: Disassembled and reconstructed

It was recently requested of me by an avid and devilishly handsome follower of mine whom I don't mind flattering given that he has already praised me enough be asking to hear my ever-so-important opinion on an ever-so-important subject:

The Avengers

It's a comic book movie. That is a given. There are going to be a fair share of things in it no matter how well it was done that may or may not fly if you strain yourself thinking about it too much, but I will tell you right now that it was done very well. Very well. Deserving of 204.5 million dollars opening weekend. I will now task myself with identifying all of the negative points of this movie, all of which are completely irrelevant as I in my humble opinion, as a fan of comics and Happy Meal toys based on them, that it is one of the greatest super hero movies ever made. Given that my otherwise brilliant intellect goes mushy and dumb due to my tendency to fan-girl, my suspension of disbelief has actually been tested and reduced thanks to a wonderful review of Tim Burton's "Batman" film by ComicsAlliance.com, allowing me to see the flaws in even a movie as critically acclaimed as The Avengers. Let's get that out of the way so I can fan-girl.

The first thing I noticed right from the opening scene was the camera work. That shouldn't happen. That is rule number one of attaining a suspension of disbelief. You should not notice the camera. If you notice the camera, then you notice you're watching a film, and it stops becoming real. I think that is a newly identified pet peeve of mine. There are so many skewed camera angels that for a while I was expecting Cesar Romero to jump into frame in clown makeup. There was a rather unsubtle Sheeple Vs FREEDOM theme playing out early on that seemed cornier than Iowa, and in a throwaway line it seems that Allfather Odin himself handwaved the necessity of the Bifrost bridge that was destroyed in his son's movie. Loki's evil plan was a little simple by God of Mischief standards now that I think about it, and if you come away learning one thing from this film it is something comics have been teaching us since 1941: the bow and arrow are the most effective weapons in the history of mankind. In the long run, none of this matters.

What matters are the characters. Co-writer (along with Zak Penn, famed for one of the greatest movies of all time: "The Last Action Hero") and director Joss Whedon knows these characters, as best summarized by his Comic-Con 2010 interview in which he said, "these people shouldn't be in the same room, let alone on the same team -- and that is the definition of family." Captain America is a good ol' boy from the 1940's who believes in God and country, and has to adjust to the world around him in an appropriately awkward and uncomfortable fashion. Iron Man is sassier than ever thanks to the Whedony script. Thor was cocky, and genuinely concerned for his brother which was actually played very sweetly. Hawkeye was physically improbable. Bruce Banner's character was brilliant, alternating nicely between fidgety and bitter. Most of his screen time is spent either trying to shy away and be a fly on the wall, uncomfortably being brought into conversations against his will, or being angrily snarky about everything. Some of Mark Ruffalo's fidgeting seemed a little forced, but I forgive him because he still looked appropriately anxious for someone with a very severe and very violent mental disorder. Nick Fury was closer to his comic book counterpart than he's ever been, really playing up the most important aspect of who he is: the protector of the whole friggin' world. This man is willing to do whatever it takes to keep everybody safe from everything, whether you like it or not. The Black Widow, after this film, deserves her own movie. After being nothing more than a silent pair of murderous legs in tights in Iron Man 2, Scarlet Johnson actually gets to play a complete character. She's funny, complicated, badass, and everything a female super hero should be and has never been before. If anything, I would encourage people to see this movie just to support the the Women's Right to be Awesome movement. I mean hell, not only was she a complete character, the zipper on her suit didn't even reveal any cleavage. I wasn't looking to be a pervert, I was just curious that they honestly didn't try to sex up Scarlett Johansson for a comic book movie. This is America after all. I can't help but applaud fair representations of super-women.

So, now let's talk about The Hulk. I want to talk about Hulk, so we're talking about the Hulk. Half of the movie was lifted high above comic book movie standards by a great ensemble cast, who then graciously handed it to a big brutish green rage-beast... who then proceeded to make the midnight premier auditorium of my local Regal Cinema, and every theater since from what I've heard, scream and cheer so loud it could have drowned out all of the explosions in Michael Bay's wildest dreams. This became the Hulk's movie. That is what you will hear from anybody who has seen it. The Hulk stole this movie, and proceeded to let everyone know that even after Iron Man tried to take it back that the movie belonged to The Hulk. Even Loki was blown away by how incredible the Incredible Hulk was. There is a scene, and you'll know it when you see it, where it is apparent that Tom Hiddleston read the script, made a very shocked expression, froze in place, they dressed him up and filmed the scene, and then had to use smelling salts and muscle relaxants to thaw him out of his coma-like state to film the rest of the movie, all because the Hulk was just that awesome.

This is not a thinking man's movie. There are no real deep philosophical questions asked, although some were implied. There aren't any deeply personal internal conflicts that are explored by the characters, even though every single one of them has huge emotional problems that I'm sure will be addressed in further sequels (particularly Captain America, assuming they ever decide to use him in a good movie.) No, this is a movie for people who like to cheer for the good guys. This is for fans of witty dialog, explosions, great ensemble casts, and eye patches. This movie is for people who enjoy life. If you want to be happy I suggest watching this movie. I suggest bringing friends and arming yourself with ridiculous props from your nearest retailer. I suggest sitting through the credits, watching a little something that maybe three people in the audience with you will understand the gravity of, sitting through more credits, and then being casually reminded of how amazing the movie you just watched was.

The Dark Knight was once hailed as the greatest super hero movie of all time, and it deserved the title all things considered. It had a decent plot. It had drama. It had Heath Ledger as The Joker.

We have a Hulk.

Avengers Assemble,
Lord Veltha

Edit: I negelected to mention the importance of having a nerdy friend explain the plot of Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger if you haven't seen those movies. I think you can get by without them, but they do give you a better sense of... never mind they're not important.

Captain America Vs Nazi Aliens

Let me make this perfectly clear: In order to be a successful super villain you must learn to understand, accept, and even appreciate super heroes. In order to become a successful movie producer you must learn to undermine, exploit, and degrade the hero until they are a meaningless husk. Many villains get the roles of villain and movie producer mixed up, and that is where they fail. Arrogance has led to the downfall of many a villain, when that hubris should be channeled into a positive strength. Look at yourself as you prepare to face your foe in combat and ask yourself, "Would my armada of chainsaw-wielding bears and death beam that fires the souls of dragons be enough to stop me?" If the answer is the resounding laughter of hubris, then perhaps it's time to re-assess your situation. Meanwhile, by emotionally reducing characters to one trait a piece, and adding explosions and lasers where applicable, movie producers are expanding their audience thousand-fold. That's the sort of thing America has come to expect from movies, and what is expected to attract American movie-goers. I myself am not against stupid awesomeness for the sake of stupid awesomeness. I enjoy things that are hilariously bad, and the comedic juxtaposition of things that modern society has come to refer to as "awesome."

I went to the midnight opening of Captain America... the FIRST Avenger. Let it be known that I was really looking forward to this movie. My enthusiasm may have been bolstered by fantastic merchandising, including the simple yet elegant Frisbee with an elastic strap, and quite possibly my favorite action figure ever: Winter Combat Captain America.

I'm going to write up the description on the back of the box for those of you too lazy to click on the above link, and even for those who DID click on the link because it bares repeating.

"CAPTAIN AMERICA will brave the harshest blizzard in order to protect the virtues of justice and truth. With only his snowboard and rocket launcher, CAPTAIN AMERICA is ready to shred down the mountain and destroy any villain that threatens the peace and well-being of his homeland."

I went to the movie with this description in mind as the entire premise of the film. Who wouldn't want to see Cap snowboarding down "the" mountain with a rocket launcher, blowing up Nazis, and launching off a ramp into an indy cab 1080° double-cork, and punching Hitler at the bottom of the slope? You may think my expectations were unrealistic. This is after all the "Concept Series" of action figures I was basing them on, but the scene depicted on this magnificently awe-inspiring figurine would not have out of place in this movie that went in every direction it could find.And yet it would, because that scene would have been good.

I may be a little too critical. It was late, I was underslept, and bad fashion choices were made, but this movie was all over the place. It tried to be too many things, and the thing it succeeded at most was a musical. This is a movie based on a comic book about an art student from Brooklyn who gets juiced up by American steroid scientists in order to fight Nazis. HOW COULD IT GO WRONG!?

It tried really hard to get me to like it, and there were times it succeeded. Stanley Tucci was easily the most likable German steroid developer I've ever seen, and Tommy Lee Jones charmingly did his darndest to not give a single f#$* throughout the entire movie. I also appreciated the semi-campy tone it had while trying to be a 1940's movie serial. The brief cameo by the original Human Torch was probably the highlight of the entire movie for me. Everything else was predictable, hammy, and musical. It even started out predictably with modern ice spelunkers discovering Cap in ice, and the entire rest of the movie was a flashback. Iron Man started in real time and went to a flashback to explain how much of a douche Tony Stark was, Thor started out in real time and then went to a flashback to explain how much of a douche Thor was, and predictably Cap did the same thing, only substituting douchebaggory for pure super-imposed scrawny-assedness.

I am going to stop right here and get the SPOILER WARNING out of the way since I have not already mentioned that I am going to intentionally try to ruin this movie for you like it ruined me. If you have any desire to see this movie, I wouldn't want to deprive anyone of the shock and arg.

The movie was a blatant tie-in with Thor, and seemed to exist purely to set up the plot of The Avengers, which I still hold out hopes for. The Cosmic Cube in this movie is an Asgardian artifact called the Tesseract, presumably because the director happened to have a geometry book open and thought it was a cooler name for the ultimate plot device. It was being sought by Nazi scientist, Agent Smith, Elven Anarchist Drag Queen of the Decepticons, for the purpose of fulfilling a God complex. Agent Smith is the leader of Hyrda, a Nazi splinter division that specializes in being unrealistically technologically advanced. This brings me to my first question about the movie.

WHY WEREN'T THE NAZI'S ALIENS!?

This is Earth 1943. The Hydra base would have put the Death Star to shame in terms of immaculately clean evil space decor. Even the Hydra uniforms, the ones that WEREN'T robot suits, look completely out of place when put side by side with good ol' American fatigues. Their evil mountain fortress and most of its contents were all made before they acquired the ultimate plot device. With all of the ridiculousness going on in the movie, and the fact that nothing was believable, suggesting the Nazis were really shape-shifting aliens from another planet in order to explain why they were so technologically advanced would have been okay with everyone in the audience. The Nazi's in The Ultimates were assisted by aliens, and we all know how badass Ultimate Captain America was. Instead it's explained that everything was created by this guy. Sorry, hold on... THIS guy, who is clearly NOT a television, and like the Nazi aliens, COULD have been. Why? Well, why the hell not? Frankly, I was surprised that they weren't aliens, and I am dead certain that someone somewhere who had never read a comic book in their lives was leaving the theater asking themselves why the Nazis had not been aliens.

I mentioned before that Captain America: The FIRST Avenger tried really hard to be a 1940's super hero movie serial. This was achieved through hokey acting and dialog, which is strangely acceptable on it's own without being juxtaposed by the SPACE NAZI LAIR scenes. The thing that completely severed the cables supporting the suspension bridge of disbelief was the montage of the Agent Smith doing violent evil things against a fiery backdrop during the expository monologue explaining that he was the villain of the movie. They could not set up a believable world, and then once they pumped Cap full of thawed blue raspberry Otter Pops it got worse.

A Nazi spy killed the creator of the Super Soldier Serum, who apparently refused to write anything down, thus making it impossible to replicate the miracle that is Chris Evans. In the comics he tweaked one last thing right before the procedure that actually made the Serum work, but in this adaptation they just forgot to make back-ups of all the documentation and everything was lost until The Incredible Hulk needed someone to punch who was not a lake. Then, since the military was only able to produce one super soldier, they decided that rather than actually put him to work stomping Nazis as a costumed badass they would take the thousands of dollars they invested in one man's abs and turn him into a dog-and-pony show.
Then suddenly, without warning... the movie became a musical about war bonds.

Using Captain America as a poster boy to bolster support for troops during WWII is not something I have a problem with. It's the fact that that's all the military has intended to use him for. This is a guy that could lift a car, or at least wrestle one while attached to a wire harness, and rather than train him to stomp Nazis, they put him in a cloth costume in front of a punch of pin-up girls and had him punch a caricature of Adolf Hitler, which should have been as cool as it sounds, and might have been had they not drug it out for three minutes. The point is that it made no sense. Stanley Tucci was shot, and everyone just said, "Oh well! So much for creating the perfect man to fight a tyrant bent on creating the perfect race" and walked away from the perfect man they just created, leaving Cap to travel America and tell the American people to give the government more money to waste on things they won't use to stomp Nazis. Finally, after embarrassing himself and everyone who saw the movie, Cap decides to go off and stomp some Nazis against the will of the Army, and free The Howling Commandos in order to attempt to make the movie not suck by including The Howling Commandos in it.

Sargent Fury and His Howling Commandos were created by the biggest asshole in comics, Stan Lee, when his editor said that the reason his comics sold so well had nothing to do with his writing, and everything to do with the cool titles. Stan, who had been trying to get fired for years, decided to come up with a war comic during the age of hippy peace-lovers with the longest most cumbersome name he could come up with just to win a bet that he could make it sell like hotcakes no matter the odds, and thus the Howling Commandos were born. Their inclusion in the movie was a fantastic nod to hard-core losers who knew who the hell they were. There was absolutely no character development for them, and they didn't need it, because all the audience needed to know was that they were the best part of the movie. Thank goodness the director had succeeded in that endeavor where he had fallen flat everywhere else. He couldn't even keep a joke about Howard Stark's overly complicated shield designs from falling flat. He even tried to put some conflict in a relationship that was hardly there between Cap and the only female character. The only thing that made the movie entertaining was its use of source material. For that reason, I am going to continue to insist that the Nazis had been aliens.

The next quarter of the movie consisted of action montages that made Team America: World police look like Mein Kamph with puppets, including scenes of Captain America on a motorcycle for the sake of having Captain America on a motorcycle. Cyber Nazis are punished, Cap prevents the launching of several BOMBS WITH COCKPITS THAT ARE LABELED WITH THE MAILING ADDRESS OF EVERY MAJOR CITY IN AMERICA SO THE SPACE NAZIS DON'T FORGET WERE TO FLY THEM... and then Neo leaps out of the Cosmic Cube and makes Agent Smith explode because I suppose the writers couldn't figure out how to make Captain America win a fist fight, and Cap crash lands a plane in the arctic because the autopilot is engaged and the controls will only allow him to steer up or down, and I officially can no longer even pretend to care about this movie or this blog.

If it had tried to be a straight up 1940's movie serial, or if it had tried to go for broke and have robot Nazi aliens riding dinosaurs on the moon and included more of the source material that had made the movie at least tolerable, it would have been a good movie. It just needed to pick something and movie on. Instead all we were given a heap of attempted films that added up to nothing. Film producers are the real villains. I think we can all learn something from them.

- Lord Veltha

Sewing the Seeds of Fate

The whole point of school, as I understand it, is to learn what you need to learn in order to lead a successful and/or fulfilling life. The system doesn't seem to hold to that ideal (though I've heard great things about Evergreen State, and considering half the people I know go there there must be a reason for it.) Do what you've gotta do to do what you want to do. A well-rounded education certainly isn't gonna hurt. If you're familiar with history, psychology, literature, what-have-you, you can draw from it for inspiration and craft better stories. It's not so much what you know as it is what you can do, and most importantly who knows what you can do. If college can help you get the connections you need in order to get into your desired field then that's definitely the way to go. That was one of the big draws the Art Institute had. Not only could they teach you how to make video games, they had actual connections to developers! Hell, if it weren't for the poor learning environment, bad hours, the soul crushing debt I had taken on in student loans, my own emotional baggage, and the fact I only had one class that actually pertained to my goals and I felt really passionate about while all the others were about covering bridges in fabric and teaching students how to use a keyboard, then by golly I would've stayed. As it stands, I physically had to hold myself back to keep from hurling myself into traffic. I did get a great bag from that school though. It's been with me for years. I've never had a backpack last this long.

I have done my fair share of research, and the general consensus, even among comic artists, is that comics are a waste of time and money (I would love to link to a specific article where the first words of advice are "Cancel all social engagements for the next seven years," but I can't seem to find it again.) Unless fortune smiles on you and you become an instant success you're gonna want a regular job to keep a roof over your head and instant ramen in your stomach, and that's where the college education helps because it looks good when you are applying for a managerial position at Blockbuster. Me? I'm dumber than a lobotomized sheep and have the social skills of a land-mine with palsy. The creative arts are my only shot at a life.

Resources are important. A battle plan must be forged before drastic measures are taken. Unless you have a game plan, you could end up a chronically unemployed, socially-disengaged, eternally recurring pursuer of knowledge doomed to fail, overlord like myself whether you continue with school or not. Don't ditch school unless you have a firm grasp of what you need to do to succeed. Failure is still a possibility, and I understand how terrifying risk can be, but some times you just gotta blind-fire around the corner and hope for the best too. You need tools in order to carve your dreams into the bathroom stall of life. Sadly, I'm just now starting to learn for myself how to get the ball rolling and how to request assistance when the proverbial sphere starts rolling back down the hill of adversity because I'm arrogant enough to assume I can do everything on my own, and ignorant enough to assume I should.

The Astonishing Dude was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. It was a way to utilize my writing abilities, learn new skills, bring my allies together, and finally create something after years of struggling with projects I start but never finish and certainly never put before an audience. It was all thanks to a chain of events that began with a simple newspaper. This was one of the few times I was able to fully take matters into my own hands and place myself well outside of my comfort zone, risking complete failure and embarrassment, yet reigning triumphant (for a couple months...)

I wish to do this again. I am keeping my eye out for opportunities again. I am in the midst of tentatively adapting a short story into a screenplay that I will possibly place in the hands o cinematographic mercenaries as a means of testing those waters for a possible future. I need time to prepare and organize a strike-force to re-initiate The Astonishing Dude (I must also seek a new online host for the show. An official Astonishing Dude website would be best, but I will settle for MySpace if I can find someone to design the page for me.) I am also seeking financial aid and enrollment assistance so that I may audit a theater class. I have no intention of enrolling full-time or attempting to get a degree. My only wish is to exploit the school for services I am interested in, learning that which I am eager to learn, and using those tools of the trade to construct a dreadnought of acting ability that I may use to rule the world! Even the Vancouver Voice, the gateway that allowed me to accomplish my finest achievement, had a posting that they were for want of a Neighborhood Beats writer, for which I have inquired about but have not received a reply, and really have no delusions that I will. I am experimenting. I am watching. I am in wait for the next time Fate shows a weakness, that I might perchance to savagely forge for myself a brighter future in her blood.

(Disclaimer: I am an unemployed overlord with delusions of hope. I am in no way encouraging anyone to terminate their education. I am merely trying assist people in realizing personal empowerment so that they may get a hold of their lives in a way they feel is right for themselves. This commentary does not reflect the opinions of anyone other than a depraved and beaten man who lives at home with his mother. Only you can prevent forest fires. Winners don't use drugs. The more you know...)

The Treads on the Battle Tank Keep Spinning

Behold! Episode 1 of The Astonishing Dude (now referred to as TAD for short, 'cause I like that better then AD, and yes these things are important to me and you can't take away my freedom stop trying to control my life leave me alone I'm not hungry I'm going to my room and I'm never coming back OMG sugar rush!) has been completed!

All goes according to plan. As per standard production procedure I worked on that sucker 'til it was time to head out the door and abuse the auditory canals of those fortunate enough to hear our masterwork. Keeping the volume consistent throughout the piece was the biggest difficulty I had. No, finding sound effects was, but the volume came a close second (which reminds me that I need to do some more sound hunting if I'm going to pull off the upcoming commercial breaks. I should delegate this task to someone else. Any volunteers? Who wants to find me a bowling ball, a toaster, an agitated hamster, and an aerosol can full of doughnut batter? Think of it as a scavenger hunt.) The great thing is that no matter how many times I listened to this thing it never got boring. Animation gets old fast. Granted, it takes a hell of a lot longer too. This show though... this show is astonishing through and through. My only disappointment is that we didn't have the recorder going when we did our live cast commentary. Sad day. (I know most of what I said, so I could record my own commentary... but I think blogging is the full extent I'm willing to take my ego. It just wouldn't be the same without my outstanding comrades anyway.)

And Episode 2 is officially underway! Armed with previous experience, our intrepid hero (overlord) ventures not into the unknown wilderness of radio play production, but into the familiar lake of tepid and not on the whole unpleasant work that is exhausting, time consuming, but ultimately rewarding. The challenge this month will be to effectively emulate a panic stricken mob of limbless civilians, an overzealous arena of bloodsport fanatics, learn how to apply voice modulation in order to make my actors sound alien but understandable (I cannot understand most alien voices due to their modulation. The Vogons in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio series especially, and most recently Emperor Tachyon's voice in Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction.) and play not one but TWO characters that are much too intense for my stomach to handle. I started getting sick during a run through of the script. I should be fine if I have lots of water handy. The show... must... go on... gasp... *MELODRAMATIC DEATH!*

I am also serving as Director Assistant/Script Master/Nagging Asshole in a film production called Nightbumpers. So far I've only screwed up once, if not twice, and all on our first day of shooting! The first error was when I started doing my job before the cinematographers said cut, and the second was when I might have been in the shot when the camera person did a pan of the set for extra coverage. I'm looking forward to the next day of shooting. I've never been a part of something like this. At the art school I was an animator, and wasn't involved in anything that required actual filming. I did write one screenplay and was there for shooting, but I dunno... that was different. I don't get that awkward feeling that I don't belong there though, which is good and quite surprising. I got a little nervous when I had to actually, you know, do my job, but I think that went alright. (I still need a copy of the script. I don't think I can keep hoarding the Director's. I may also bring some blue masking tape and a dry erase marker for the sake of taking blue masking tape and a dry erase marker.)

I'm working on learning to draw. Oddly, whenever I try to draw the way I'm taught I fail. I can't get beyond the two-dimensional wire frame model I've created. It should be a simple matter of cleaning up lines, really no different from my normal process, but something feels wrong. Winging it seems to be providing better and better results. Characters aren't especially detailed, there's no shading, texture, or color to speak of. Hands, feet, and faces continue to be my eternal adversaries. On the positive side, I have two tolerable sketches of myself: the infamous Lord Veltha. Other more pressing matters have taken time away from my pencil practice, but I feel that with the progress I've been making it will only be a few years until I become what artists refer to as "okay."

The world is in my hands. It's only a matter of time.

(And if you haven't already, check out www.imeem.com/astonishingdude for great justice!)