Avengers: Disassembled and reconstructed

It was recently requested of me by an avid and devilishly handsome follower of mine whom I don't mind flattering given that he has already praised me enough be asking to hear my ever-so-important opinion on an ever-so-important subject:

The Avengers

It's a comic book movie. That is a given. There are going to be a fair share of things in it no matter how well it was done that may or may not fly if you strain yourself thinking about it too much, but I will tell you right now that it was done very well. Very well. Deserving of 204.5 million dollars opening weekend. I will now task myself with identifying all of the negative points of this movie, all of which are completely irrelevant as I in my humble opinion, as a fan of comics and Happy Meal toys based on them, that it is one of the greatest super hero movies ever made. Given that my otherwise brilliant intellect goes mushy and dumb due to my tendency to fan-girl, my suspension of disbelief has actually been tested and reduced thanks to a wonderful review of Tim Burton's "Batman" film by ComicsAlliance.com, allowing me to see the flaws in even a movie as critically acclaimed as The Avengers. Let's get that out of the way so I can fan-girl.

The first thing I noticed right from the opening scene was the camera work. That shouldn't happen. That is rule number one of attaining a suspension of disbelief. You should not notice the camera. If you notice the camera, then you notice you're watching a film, and it stops becoming real. I think that is a newly identified pet peeve of mine. There are so many skewed camera angels that for a while I was expecting Cesar Romero to jump into frame in clown makeup. There was a rather unsubtle Sheeple Vs FREEDOM theme playing out early on that seemed cornier than Iowa, and in a throwaway line it seems that Allfather Odin himself handwaved the necessity of the Bifrost bridge that was destroyed in his son's movie. Loki's evil plan was a little simple by God of Mischief standards now that I think about it, and if you come away learning one thing from this film it is something comics have been teaching us since 1941: the bow and arrow are the most effective weapons in the history of mankind. In the long run, none of this matters.

What matters are the characters. Co-writer (along with Zak Penn, famed for one of the greatest movies of all time: "The Last Action Hero") and director Joss Whedon knows these characters, as best summarized by his Comic-Con 2010 interview in which he said, "these people shouldn't be in the same room, let alone on the same team -- and that is the definition of family." Captain America is a good ol' boy from the 1940's who believes in God and country, and has to adjust to the world around him in an appropriately awkward and uncomfortable fashion. Iron Man is sassier than ever thanks to the Whedony script. Thor was cocky, and genuinely concerned for his brother which was actually played very sweetly. Hawkeye was physically improbable. Bruce Banner's character was brilliant, alternating nicely between fidgety and bitter. Most of his screen time is spent either trying to shy away and be a fly on the wall, uncomfortably being brought into conversations against his will, or being angrily snarky about everything. Some of Mark Ruffalo's fidgeting seemed a little forced, but I forgive him because he still looked appropriately anxious for someone with a very severe and very violent mental disorder. Nick Fury was closer to his comic book counterpart than he's ever been, really playing up the most important aspect of who he is: the protector of the whole friggin' world. This man is willing to do whatever it takes to keep everybody safe from everything, whether you like it or not. The Black Widow, after this film, deserves her own movie. After being nothing more than a silent pair of murderous legs in tights in Iron Man 2, Scarlet Johnson actually gets to play a complete character. She's funny, complicated, badass, and everything a female super hero should be and has never been before. If anything, I would encourage people to see this movie just to support the the Women's Right to be Awesome movement. I mean hell, not only was she a complete character, the zipper on her suit didn't even reveal any cleavage. I wasn't looking to be a pervert, I was just curious that they honestly didn't try to sex up Scarlett Johansson for a comic book movie. This is America after all. I can't help but applaud fair representations of super-women.

So, now let's talk about The Hulk. I want to talk about Hulk, so we're talking about the Hulk. Half of the movie was lifted high above comic book movie standards by a great ensemble cast, who then graciously handed it to a big brutish green rage-beast... who then proceeded to make the midnight premier auditorium of my local Regal Cinema, and every theater since from what I've heard, scream and cheer so loud it could have drowned out all of the explosions in Michael Bay's wildest dreams. This became the Hulk's movie. That is what you will hear from anybody who has seen it. The Hulk stole this movie, and proceeded to let everyone know that even after Iron Man tried to take it back that the movie belonged to The Hulk. Even Loki was blown away by how incredible the Incredible Hulk was. There is a scene, and you'll know it when you see it, where it is apparent that Tom Hiddleston read the script, made a very shocked expression, froze in place, they dressed him up and filmed the scene, and then had to use smelling salts and muscle relaxants to thaw him out of his coma-like state to film the rest of the movie, all because the Hulk was just that awesome.

This is not a thinking man's movie. There are no real deep philosophical questions asked, although some were implied. There aren't any deeply personal internal conflicts that are explored by the characters, even though every single one of them has huge emotional problems that I'm sure will be addressed in further sequels (particularly Captain America, assuming they ever decide to use him in a good movie.) No, this is a movie for people who like to cheer for the good guys. This is for fans of witty dialog, explosions, great ensemble casts, and eye patches. This movie is for people who enjoy life. If you want to be happy I suggest watching this movie. I suggest bringing friends and arming yourself with ridiculous props from your nearest retailer. I suggest sitting through the credits, watching a little something that maybe three people in the audience with you will understand the gravity of, sitting through more credits, and then being casually reminded of how amazing the movie you just watched was.

The Dark Knight was once hailed as the greatest super hero movie of all time, and it deserved the title all things considered. It had a decent plot. It had drama. It had Heath Ledger as The Joker.

We have a Hulk.

Avengers Assemble,
Lord Veltha

Edit: I negelected to mention the importance of having a nerdy friend explain the plot of Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger if you haven't seen those movies. I think you can get by without them, but they do give you a better sense of... never mind they're not important.

Lord Veltha Vs "Scott Pilgrim Vs The World"

Warning: This article isn't actually about the movie itself, but the importance of the role the audience plays in artwork. Please ignore it. I'm ranting. Anything worth saying on the subject has already been said here and there, but it's time Lord Veltha put his two cents in. It's not the intention of this blog to write on subjects aside from myself, but as this is a matter of projected personal importance I need to speak my superior mind.

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World was not meant to appeal to everyone. It was specifically designed to cater to the aesthetic of the counterculture youth who grew up in the eighties and early nineties; the people with Batman posters on their walls and Legend of Zelda music on their iPods, the people who follow webcomics and/or have one of their own, the people seeking to balance the freedom of childhood with the responsibility of adulthood, and it punches their counterculture aesthetic in the balls with a fist of awesome.

If you did not laugh at that sentence, then Scott Pilgrim is not for you, and that's okay! You're not the audience for this film, and you don't have to be. This is the thing many reviewers neglect to take into consideration. Art is not meant to appeal to everyone, and that's good because it never will. This something I too forget when I explain my dislike towards the Twilight franchise. Obviously the Twilight series appeals to many on a core emotional level. These people are generally not worth my time as I'm lead to believe their core is a shriveled husk of ignorance, but I accept that and move on. I've never read the series or seen the movies, and have only heard tales of terror and disgust from like-personalitied individuals. The few clips I had seen of Eclipse were enough to make me cringe based on the camera work alone. The camera work. Not necessarily something I notice right away when watching other films. Obviously, I am not the intended audience for this series, and I should keep my snarky mouth shut. After all, the experience of the individual in regards to art is what matters. If a man paints a portrait of himself in his own blood in the middle of the woods and then dies so no one is ever able to see it, is it still art?

In school we were made to write a paper that would accompany our artwork called an "Audience Paper." The intention of this paper was to explain to our teachers the importance of our artwork to ourselves and the specific group in society that the implications of the work were intended towards on the off chance the teacher just didn't get it, so that they could understand what we were doing was in fact amazing and they just couldn't see it, so they would base their grades on whether or not our piece did appeal to those whom our projects were aimed at. This was the general theory, but like most papers the purpose of it was never adequately explained to a group of hyperactive teenagers, and so the meaning was lost until those who continued to pursue careers in their art-form just sort of clicked and swore under their breath upon the realization that the teachers they hated were right all along.

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World widely appeals to its intended audience IN ABUNDANCE! That cannot be said for all movies (*Cough* SuperMarioBrothersStreetFighter:TheLegendOfChun-LiSteelBatman&RobinDaredevilLauraCroft:TombRaiderSupermanIVCatwoman

BatmanForeverMortalKombatAnnihilationHowardTheDuckDoubleDragonMaxPayne *COUGH*) so the fact that it serves as a very niche movie that appeases the intended audience is applaudable. That alone is enough to warrant it a pass. The film is noticeably more entertaining amidst a crowd of people who get the movie than with a theater of mothers taking their children to see it (though it is often hilarious to watch the reactions of people who have no idea what they're seeing) and when the energy is high it's harder to notice some of the forced performances near the end when it almost feels like a public service announcement on conflict mediation and how not to be a douche-bag. Unfortunately, reviewers generally write based on personal interest and experience, which is fine so long as they clarify that and accept that their own opinion is no more than an opinion and not the definitive word. I've seen old classics, pretentious French films, and a little of everything else. Everything appeals to someone. My audience is an important thing to consider as I continue my work. I know who they are, and I am certain I do well by them. Now all I need is a way to reach them.

In regards to this blog being a record of my accomplishments, I assure you that I'm running behind on updating and I haven't been slacking off on my duties as an aspiring overlord. I have some very interesting news regarding bowling that ought to be shared, but haven't because of a long-time expired unwritten confidentiality agreement, and I have sold several copies of The Astonishing Dude on CD, but somehow this took precedence.

Pathos and good will,

Lord Veltha

Lord Veltha REBORN!

BEHOOOOOOOOOLD! I, the infamous LORD VELTHA, having freed myself from my emo bonds have declared all out WAR upon my inhibitions and once again begin my quest for TOTAL DOMINATION with complete confidence that I, LORD VELTHA, am the rightful ruler of the thoughts, perceptions and mental fabrications of reality that make up the universe around me. My true colors have been REVEALED, and my imperial banner soars high as an indication to my foes that they are about to be severely punched in the face by the FIST of my righteous and steadfast determination to be what I was always meant to be: unfathomably AWESOME.

In my quest for ullllllllltimate DOMINANCE, I have been pursuing a part-time job to fuel my outlandish schemes, and while I have staked out many an opportunity for employment I have wisely chosen to focus my sheer tenacity upon one PRIME job location as I am a firm believer that anything worth doing is worth doing WITH THE BURNING PASSION OF A THOUSAND EXPLODING SUNS! Some may regard me as a fool for placing all of my eggs in one basket, until they realize the eggs are really HAND GRENADES of UNWAVERING CONVICTION in a basket WEAVED FROM MY ALL-CONSUMING AND DELIGHTFUL CHARM! AND! ELEGANCE! While I still have yet to receive confirmation that the fruits of my labor are juicy and rich in vitamin C, I believe there is promise that I, LORD VELTHA, will receive notification of my first ever job interview in a matter of days. Victory! Is! AT HAND! And yet even if some horrible clerical error determines I do not meet the requirements for the position, I continue to spread my web of intrigue beyond the local bus route in the firm belief that word will spread through the underground of my UNDYING DETERMINATION TO ACHIEVE and that will be enough to solidify another promising job opportunity. Eventually, store managers will be BEGGING me to fill their vacant entry-level positions.

And to any non-believers out there who believe that I have completely forsaken my ART in order to pursue these lesser goals, and to the naysayers who claim I’m demoting myself to “wage slave,” FEAR NOT, for though technology is determined to fail me at every turn it is no MATCH for the combined force of my SUPERIOR INTELLECT and DUCT TAPE! I continue to audition for amateur voice acting roles in hopes of being discovered and to gain experience while I seek information that could lead me to a profession in the field. The Astonishing Dude Episode 3 is underway, with only a few roles in need of recasting, no real promise as of yet that we’ll get the show back online, and we are once more in want of a recording space to finish one last scene and record actors that are finally free now that school is out, but we’re limping along, and we limp with PURPOSE!

Also, with my allies free from school and available to provide me with much needed camaraderie on a more frequent basis, I believe it may be time to return to writing in earnest. Writing is what I do best, but it is a lonely art. I desire to write scripts for theater, film and comics. Many of my allies sail under other banners as they seek their fortune across the horizon. As an overlord I am nothing without minions, but I WILL persevere in my endeavors.

MOST IMPORTANT is my newfound resolve to return to the ULTIMATE BATTLEFIELD! Never again will I hide in shame before succumbing to my own insecurities. I will triumph! I will succeed! I asked a girl out! I am terrified! She’s going to say, “no!” She’s going to say, “yes!” I’m going to be stood up! I’m going to unintentionally stand her up! We’re going to be having a nice time and then WHAM! Nosebleed into the sushi! I’m going to be alone forever! I’m going to be stuck with a psycho forever! I’m going to take very deep breaths in the corner until I calm the hell down!

I AM LORD VELTHA! THE WORLD IS MINE!

PATHOS! AND GOOD! WILL!

Sincerely,
Lord V. <3

PS: I still haven't discussed medication with my physician.

Lord Veltha Versus The Val Ogden Center

In my quest for hope, belonging, and independence, I was introduced to a facility that literally has these things written on their sign. It couldn't get any more obvious that that's exactly where I need to be.

The Val Ogden Center is a referral only facility for the mentally handicapped run by the recently empowered and mentally handi-capable. Naturally I assumed it would be like Arkham Asylum with the lunatics having taken over, and in this way I was slightly disappointed. However, this Clubhouse provides a very important service to the community that can not be ignored.

Think of the Clubhouse as a social water refinement center. It takes water that, while sullied with all manner of fecal matter and emotional baggage, has the potential to benefit society by providing them with a clean natural resource. The Clubhouse is run by its members, which means all duties pertaining to the maintenance of the Clubhouse is up to them. Essential duties are delegated to volunteers after the morning meeting at 9:00am, and the day is over at 4:30pm. The work is divided into clerical (typing, filing, manning the reception turret), culinary (cooking lunch and washing dishes), and working at the thrift store (imagine if there was a Goodwill in your house, but no one knew it existed and no one shopped there.) The work here provides purpose and guidance to those who would normally be without, and people to playfully distract you while you are trying to accomplish menial tasks. On top of that, the staff is there to assist with career and education goals outside of the Clubhouse as well. Various workshops and meetings are scheduled throughout the week in order to help members achieve their dreams, whatever they may be.

My luxurious sanctum of evil can at times feel like a prison. I live in seclusion from my peers and am frequently left to meditate on important matters of consequence as my only recreation. I have a difficult time reaching out to those lesser beings who populate the world. Simply being in a work environment again has done wonders for me. I have focus, determinations, and a staff of faithful servants willing to facilitate my every need (including freshly baked cookies. I can already sense your jealousy prior to publishing this blog post. It transcends time and space.)

Currently I am attempting to establish a means to attend theatre classes at the local community college so that I may accentuate my already tremendous acting talent with technique training and actual skill. This will also allow me to forge connections in the acting community, stronger bonds with the people I care about as I will be generally closer in proximity to them, and in time I may at last achieve my goals of GLOBAL DOMINATION! (Gwahaha. Mine is an evil laugh.)

Pathos and good will,
Lord Veltha

Lord Veltha is a typhoon of WIN

It's official. I am a tropical cyclone of amateur voice acting success. It's been almost a month since my last post, and in that time I have landed a slew of roles that will surely not become overwhelming in the least.
...
*cough*

Upon being cast in Naruto The Abridged Series Movie (and hookers!) my ego was inflated to beyond healthy proportions and I decided to investigate further roles. The fellow who kindly pointed me in the direction of the "Old Guy" audition mentioned that he was casting for Wild ARMS Abridged.

For those who don't know (namely my parents) an "Abridged Series" is a fan made series of videos often posted on YouTube where anime fans condense thirty minute episodes into eight or ten minutes, often lampshading confusing plot points, making fun of annoying characters, or completely changing a character's personality (or ethnicity, eh?) Often the resulting show becomes almost completely unrecognizable. There are many many bad ones, and even the more popular ones will make you want to lick a cheese grater to get your mind off of the pain, but they are altogether a somewhat humorous display of fandom.

For more information, consult the media entertainment equivalent of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: TV Tropes

After auditioning and receiving praise (and yea, even lending some requested script assistance) I got the role. I didn't know how many of the roles I got until now, but I'll get to that.

It was also from this source I learned of Voice Acting Alliance, which is a resource for amateur voice actors, directors, producers, etc who have all come together with a common goal: be awesome. It was here I decided to bite off more than I can chew, and why I continue to resemble a cow chewing cud.

For the record (and because my own memory is so terrible that I really need to write this crap down somewhere) here is the current list of projects I'm engaged in.

Wild ARMS Abridged (Abridged series based on Wild ARMS: Twilight Venom)
-Sheyanne Rainstorm (High normal voice. I didn't even audition for it! No kidding! I hate my voice...)
-Dr. Kiel Arronax (AKA "Doctor Captain Pirate Mullet". Brock Samson)

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Black Nerv Project (Not sure what the final name is, but it's a parody of Evangelion. From the looks of the script, I don't think they actually shortened it, so I don't think it's "Abridged." Amazing script though.)
-Fuyutsuki (The Old Guy strikes again! Get off my lawn!)
-Male Announcers 1, 2, and 3, helicopter pilots, crew mamber (I haven't gotten a critique yet on my auditions, so I'm not sure what I'm doing here. For these I mostly used variations on my annoying normal voice, and Stu Brawny Johnson. (Think Coach Z from homestarrunner.com))
-Sachiel The Angel (They said "Go nuts!" I went nuts, throwing in every voice I can do. I don't know what one they chose, and may not know until the show is finished because they only needed that one line.)

By the way, they're still looking for actresses.

Mega Man X: Vile (A fan-made RPG based on the Mega Man X series.)
I auditioned for four roles, and didn't get any of them because my voices didn't fit the characters. Luckily, I still got parts.
-Metal Shark Player (Auditioned for Dr. Wily. High-pitched pirate. Yeah, I'm awesome.)
- Mattrex (KROGNOLON! I have to make him sound sly and not stupid though. We'll see how that goes.)

I also get to re-audition for the role of Dynamo after having heard more information, and a clip from another audition. (I think I gotta go somewhere between Brock Samson and my normal voice. Have I mentioned I hate my normal voice? Just recordings though. I can and do talk to myself incessantly.)

That's not a whole lot, right? Sure my social life is suffering, but that's because I've been reclusive and depressed! Now I'll be isolated from the people I care about because of my heavy workload, the way it's SUPPOSED to be. Just in time for the holidays. (That's okay, people can pick up their Snowflake Day presents next month.)

I have a lot of links scattered around in this post. I don't know if they'll transfer over to Facebook or not. If not, then tough luck.

(Quick Rant: I downloaded a Dragonball Raging Blast demo last night. Now, why the HELL would they put out a demo of a FIGHTING GAME and not make it TWO PLAYER? It's RIDICULOUS!)

Pathos and good will,
Lord V.

Lord Veltha VS Nostalgia

Updates, updates, updates.

I haven't been on Blogger for some time now. I could look up when my last post was, but by that time I'd lose focus and never find my way back to actually writing a new post.

The Astonishing Dude seems to have all but stopped. I seem to have caught the Suck-Virus (if that sounds disgusting, believe me, it is. I don't understand how so many people can live life without being awesome.) and have trouble with minor things such as dialing phones, sending emails, or making it to the library to check out books that I've had on hold until the hold expires (I did finally get one though! It's, uhh... "Stitches" by David Small, and frankly I'm not sure I'm ready to read it. I should probably take it back.) Hopefully I won't have The Suck for much longer, but it seems to be keeping me indoors a lot. Even when I am able to communicate with someone it's fine while it lasts, but immediately afterwords blah blah blah angst no need to get into that muck.

My mediocre career as a voice actor flickers on though. I've recently been cast in the role of Sandayu "The Old Guy" Asama in the Naruto The Abridged Series Movie. In a super roundabout way, as things tend to fall, I auditioned for minor roles in Sonic Abridged, a guy said NTAS was lookin' for someone, and lo and behold I got the part. I have yet to actually get in touch with Vegeta3986, but I must have patience (Not everyone is as burdened with having excessive quantities of free time as myself. Woe is me.) and in time I will be killed by a ninja train (Yes, the train itself is a ninja. It hurls more kunai then anyone else and kills the most people. It might not be the most stealthy assassin what with being a train and all, but hey... this is Naruto we're talking about. they don't actually place a heavy emphasis on stealth.)

I'm writing again. It's been a while. While this is wonderful news considering I'm at my most attuned with greatness when I'm clacking away at a keyboard telling stories that in all likelihood will never reach the eyes of readers, I'm not... actually... uh...

You see, the thing is... this thing I'm writing, while it's great I'm writing it... it's... uh... well, it's it's it's... fan-fiction.

You have to understand. I have horrible associations with fan-fiction on at least two counts. No.1 is quality. I realize that not everyone writes as terribly as the admittedly funny and equally grammatical-aneurysm inducing freakfest of "My Immortal" (of which I have only read about on TVtropes.org and decided I'm not in the right state of mind to read the actual... thing.) but I tend to associate fan-fiction with crap. I'm not saying anything I write is any better (I'm just gracious enough to hide it from anyone and everyone), and I'm sad to admit there are fan-produced works that are better than anything I do, I'm saying that this is my association.

No.2 is more personal. I have this overwhelming need to make something of myself and do things that I deem "Productive." I have no real direction in life, so I don't fully understand how I classify something as productive, but it seems to correspond to busy work I feel good doing. I have this grand scheme that some of my work falls into, but I know full well that this plot will never come to fruition. I'm just working for the sake of working and daydreaming that something good will come of it. With that said; working on an project comprised of unoriginal ideas that I cannot use to further my rhetorical goals seems like a waste of time. It does keep me writing though, and any time spent writing can't be considered a waste of time. It makes me happy. It gets my limited capacity for creativity flowing. It keeps my mind off of other issues. All is well.

Even my doodles are going the way of parody. I'm halfway through my series of AWESOME Luke doodles, depicting how A New Hope would be different if Luke Skywalker didn't suck. The best description I've heard was that this is what Star Wars would be like if Happy Noodle Boy were Luke, which brought me no end of amusement. I originally started doodling again as a way to express my neurotic thoughts, which I continue to do when I come across a thought I'm able to make fun of, but now it's mostly AWESOME Luke (and I do feel the need to capitalise awesome, which may be another neurotic thing.) The idea came about one day as I was walking about daydreaming about Sonic The Hedgehog, as usual, when I started casting Sonic characters as Star Wars roles. After about half an hour of debate I cast Sonic as Luke and laughed at the thought of Luke being awesome. Then the doodles began of AWESOME Luke, and soon after I caved in to the urge to actually write what I'd originally been daydreaming about.

So now everything I'm doing revolves around fandom and parody. My voice acting, writing, and doodles.

I have learned something about myself though. I've learned that nostalgia plays a key role in my life. I learned this while browsing Overclocked Remix. Most of the songs on my MP3 player are either punk covers of old songs, or video game OSTs and remixes. I only listen to songs I've heard before. I have trouble getting into new music. I don't listen to the radio, and when it's on I tend to tune it out. When friends on Facebook post videos of their favorite bands I listen, but I don't feel any connection. Even ripping CDs for Mom I occasionally say, "You know, the rhythm, the melody, everything here is something I would like... but I don't."

Video games are the same way. If I play a new game in a series it feels... wrong. I couldn't get into Sonic Advance, and even Sonic Rush (which is now one of my favorite games) felt odd at first because I'm so used to playing the Genesis titles over and over until I play them by heart the way someone sings a song by heart. When people sing do they remember the words? When I sing the words just flow out. Come the second or third verse I have to remember the first line, but then the rest pours out naturally and I'm not even sure i know what I'm singing. That's how I play video games, and Sonic especially. Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack In Time came out recently. Now, when I got Tools of Destruction it had been a good few years since I played the previous games, and I'd only played through each of them once or twice. When CiT came out I decided to go through all of the games in order before I picked it up at the store. It'd been a long time since I played through the series, so I had nothing memorised, but when I saw things I recalled seeing them before, almost like deja vu. Once I started playing CiT things felt weird. There may be a few cosmetic differences, but every R&C game is pretty much the same. The thing that felt odd wasn't that the game was new, it was that I didn't remember it. I need things to be familiar. I don't respond well to change.

I might be getting a psychological evaluation soon. My therapist asked me last week if I'd ever had one. She felt terrible that she hadn't asked sooner. She also apologized a lot because she didn't want me to feel like there was something "wrong" with me. I know there's nothing "wrong," but I also know there's a whole lot keeping me from being "right," and I'd like to have a better understanding of what that is.

I played Commodore 64 last night for the first time in years. It felt great, even though I died without getting any farther in The Amazing Spider-Man than I have before (Drowning in dookie water.) Batman: The Caped Crusader is just as impossible as I remember, but a lot funnier ("You got the A Fried Egg.") I also suck at Kings of the Beach now, which was never the case before. My reaction time is completely shot. I'm thinking about hooking up my Genesis, even though most of the games I own I've been playing on PS2. The feel of a classic controller can't be emulated.

The Treads on the Battle Tank Keep Spinning

Behold! Episode 1 of The Astonishing Dude (now referred to as TAD for short, 'cause I like that better then AD, and yes these things are important to me and you can't take away my freedom stop trying to control my life leave me alone I'm not hungry I'm going to my room and I'm never coming back OMG sugar rush!) has been completed!

All goes according to plan. As per standard production procedure I worked on that sucker 'til it was time to head out the door and abuse the auditory canals of those fortunate enough to hear our masterwork. Keeping the volume consistent throughout the piece was the biggest difficulty I had. No, finding sound effects was, but the volume came a close second (which reminds me that I need to do some more sound hunting if I'm going to pull off the upcoming commercial breaks. I should delegate this task to someone else. Any volunteers? Who wants to find me a bowling ball, a toaster, an agitated hamster, and an aerosol can full of doughnut batter? Think of it as a scavenger hunt.) The great thing is that no matter how many times I listened to this thing it never got boring. Animation gets old fast. Granted, it takes a hell of a lot longer too. This show though... this show is astonishing through and through. My only disappointment is that we didn't have the recorder going when we did our live cast commentary. Sad day. (I know most of what I said, so I could record my own commentary... but I think blogging is the full extent I'm willing to take my ego. It just wouldn't be the same without my outstanding comrades anyway.)

And Episode 2 is officially underway! Armed with previous experience, our intrepid hero (overlord) ventures not into the unknown wilderness of radio play production, but into the familiar lake of tepid and not on the whole unpleasant work that is exhausting, time consuming, but ultimately rewarding. The challenge this month will be to effectively emulate a panic stricken mob of limbless civilians, an overzealous arena of bloodsport fanatics, learn how to apply voice modulation in order to make my actors sound alien but understandable (I cannot understand most alien voices due to their modulation. The Vogons in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio series especially, and most recently Emperor Tachyon's voice in Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction.) and play not one but TWO characters that are much too intense for my stomach to handle. I started getting sick during a run through of the script. I should be fine if I have lots of water handy. The show... must... go on... gasp... *MELODRAMATIC DEATH!*

I am also serving as Director Assistant/Script Master/Nagging Asshole in a film production called Nightbumpers. So far I've only screwed up once, if not twice, and all on our first day of shooting! The first error was when I started doing my job before the cinematographers said cut, and the second was when I might have been in the shot when the camera person did a pan of the set for extra coverage. I'm looking forward to the next day of shooting. I've never been a part of something like this. At the art school I was an animator, and wasn't involved in anything that required actual filming. I did write one screenplay and was there for shooting, but I dunno... that was different. I don't get that awkward feeling that I don't belong there though, which is good and quite surprising. I got a little nervous when I had to actually, you know, do my job, but I think that went alright. (I still need a copy of the script. I don't think I can keep hoarding the Director's. I may also bring some blue masking tape and a dry erase marker for the sake of taking blue masking tape and a dry erase marker.)

I'm working on learning to draw. Oddly, whenever I try to draw the way I'm taught I fail. I can't get beyond the two-dimensional wire frame model I've created. It should be a simple matter of cleaning up lines, really no different from my normal process, but something feels wrong. Winging it seems to be providing better and better results. Characters aren't especially detailed, there's no shading, texture, or color to speak of. Hands, feet, and faces continue to be my eternal adversaries. On the positive side, I have two tolerable sketches of myself: the infamous Lord Veltha. Other more pressing matters have taken time away from my pencil practice, but I feel that with the progress I've been making it will only be a few years until I become what artists refer to as "okay."

The world is in my hands. It's only a matter of time.

(And if you haven't already, check out www.imeem.com/astonishingdude for great justice!)

Accomplishment: Still working on it...

Here I am, again, sitting here in an attempt to relay a harrowing tale of my immense success and I've got nothing. This happens on occasion. It's usually a result of hunger, fatigue, or "I had a long day and I'd rather be playing video games or reading comic books." More often then not it's a combination of all three, and today is no exception. The only difference is that usually I post BS like this on LiveJournal where that sort of textureless monologing with no depth to speak of belongs (and I usually spell out bullshit.)

Last week my colorful associates and I met up at the legendary WSU Vancouver and recorded episode one of the soon to be legendary Astonishing Dude. I can't praise them enough. I'm trying though. I'm in the process of editing, and when I hear their lines I rush out of the room and onto FaceBook (I could call them, but then they'd have to get off the computer to answer the phone.) so that I may praise them. After the first two I decided I was making little progress as it was and kept working. I'll be sure to maul them later and suffocate them with praise.

Recording went smoothly. I seem to have given my actors all of the difficult to pronounce words and left all the easy ones to myself. (I'm curious to know how many directors have uttered the phrase, "Let's take it from molecular carbonation.") I was actually surprised at the lack of swearing when it came to line flubs. (I managed to take second place with only "damnit" and "son of a bitch." Actually, maybe I tied for first. The only other person who came close had three damnits. I'm not done editing yet, so maybe there're more lurking about. It could be anyone's game.)

The best part was that the super wonderful station manager, the cunning minx that she is, invited us to see the radio station. She did the exact same thing the last time I was there. First it's "Hey, do you wanna see the station?" and once we're there she slaps some headphones on us, throws us in front of the mics and runs away laughing gleefully over the horison. She's like a person selling kittens.

"Hey, would you like a kitten?"
"No thak you. I'm not interested."
"I bet you are."
"No, really, my mom's allergic. If she even sees one her windpipe swells shut and she can't breathe."
"Would you like to hold one?"
"Um... no..."
"I think one of them is trying to escape."
"What? I don't see..."
"Here, just hold this one while I go after the other."
"Uh... sure. Okay."
"There you go."
"OH MY GOD IT'S ADORABLE!"
"Hmm... seems as though I was mistaken. I could have sworn that..."
"I'LL TAKE TWO!"
"(Sucker)"

I think we may have a two hour time slot on Fridays from 2-4pm (Which can be heard at www.kougradio.com and I think maybe eventually some time soon some other site I don't remember or something. You should listen to it anyway. They play yodeling!) I haven't talked to anyone about it though... so I have no idea what we're doing. Then again, we didn't know what we were doing THEN, so what difference does it make? Maybe we'll read more horoscopes.

I've been keeping fairly busy, but I've made some time for myself. I've only spent 12 hours or so editing episode one, and I'm a bit over ten minutes into the show. Most of the time has been spent online foraging for sound effects. I'm sure once I get all the ones I need future episodes will go a lot quicker. I need to download all the sounds I can find (that work and are of reasonable quality) just to make damn sure I'll have what I need later (especially for the Rube Goldberg Home Kitchen Appliences commercial.)

There are three reasons I haven't spent more time working on this project. 1: I spent the weekend in Snoqualmie. 2: I'm handi-capable and have a rough time with mornings when I don't sleep at night due to the heat. 3: My laptop and external hard drive do not function properly at high temperatures (my laptop completely burnt out once, and today my external hard drive konked out and wouldn't turn back on until I slapped an icepack on it. It's such a diva...)

Now here I am trying to make sense of everything. I don't think I can, and I've given up trying. It seems to have worked out pretty well in my favor. I have four and a third scripts written, so we may only do five shows. This is a killer energy suck. Not that I'm complaining. I get to write and direct, hang out with my friends, and make something that will provide entertainment to dozens. This is exactly what I want. I've got a good thing going and I should follow it 'til the track runs out. Maybe it'll lead me to ways I can accomplish my other goals.

Radio Killed the Literary Star

At long last my battle with animation has come to an end, and it has been praised. It’s odd that it took me so long to complete, but this is no time to dwell on the past. Those were turbulent times, filled with tears and great strife. Now the final element linking me to that past has been vanquished and I will be able to move forward into the promising future beyond the horizon. A future in radio.

Today I began my fifth script for The Astonishing Dude and remote-recorded one of my actors before they ship overseas to Japan (She’s a robot and requires yearly maintenance. Allying myself with a robot goes against all of my better judgment and experience with science fiction movies, but she plays a mighty fine diseased pull string doll, and for that I am grateful.) Next week I will be able to record the rest of my cast as an ensemble. I expect the utmost professionalism from them. Not a single line will be flubbed, and at absolutely no point during the recording session will they break out into fits of uncontrollable laughter. I place all of my faith in their capable vocal chords.

Once the series begins my free time will become limited, assuming we’re attempting to maintain a weekly deadline. I’ll have to write one script a week, organize rehearsals, schedule recording sessions, edit and mix the show, then play it at KOUG Radio for all to enjoy. This isn’t impossible. Shows like SNL prove that. It may not be entertaining, but weekly deadlines can be met. I am a male Virgo, and quite incapable of multitasking. I can do one thing at a time, and that one thing must be perfect. The primary concerns are my poor writing habits and unifying everyone else’s schedule. With paint and canvas you can almost always guarantee that you’ll have everything you need to create your art. When your artistic medium requires people things become difficult. Paint brushes don’t have lives of their own. This isn’t a professional production. People are going to be scrambling for jobs and going to school, if not both. They may not be available on my easel when I need them. Meanwhile I will be so consumed by this production that I won’t have time for anything else. I’m fortunate that my comrades are involved in this project. Being the overlord is lonely work, but at least in this endeavor I won’t be alone. These people I am working with are more important to me than anything. They are the reason I continue to fight (I mean, yes, I am human, and as such I am inherently selfish. It would be more accurate to say that I fight for my own happiness and being able to associate with my comrades makes me happy and as such it is in my best interest to persevere through my madness so that I may spend time with them, but people reading this blog may not have the time to read through such a long winded explanation of my motivations. I have no desire to inconvenience anyone by going on and on about something that could easily be summed up in a short sentence. I dare say I’m being ironic. Imagine that.)

The other problem is that I am unable to stretch out a storyline beyond half an hour. The station manager suggested a one-hour time slot. I understand the need for nice even numbers (I'm a Virgo.) If we are given an hour to fill the best thing to do would be to see about getting cast members together at the station and talking about the process (or whatever comes up. There's really no telling sometimes.) It would be like episode commentary on DVD, but live. I for one would find that to be most enjoyable, and I'm sure my cast would love it as well. It would also be a great opportunity for my talented composer to discuss his work if he was in the area at the time of the broadcast. Another bonus for me is that if I assemble people together in a small room to talk about the show ideas may pop up that could be utilized in a future script. At present I am wholly dependent on my own imagination to provide interesting plot lines. My imagination and Netflix (Ah, I do love me some Justice League.)

For some time I have had the desire to return to the piece I was writing prior to my work on The Astonishing Dude. However, any time spent writing must, for the sake of great justice, be spent writing scripts for my radio series. I’m trying to compromise by drawing my characters (and myself. I’m not looking so good.) before I retire to my chaimbers in the evening. I am not a visual artist, and I do not claim to be a visual artist, but I will say that I’ve improved ever so slightly since the last time I attempted to draw human figures. For the sake of good taste I may have to stick to drawing machines, beasts, and plush kitties. If people begin gouging out their eyes due my atrocious sketching there will be no one left to gaze upon my handsome visage (Someone told me I had a pretty smile yesterday. They actually used the word pretty to describe my smile. I wasn’t sure whether to smite them or not, so I hired a former serial killer to decide for me. His judgment was swift.) My dream for this novel… is to write it. Actually finishing it would be a huge step, and despite how obvious it may seem to the future of the work it is something that quite escapes my mind. I would like key points of the story to be illustrated by various comic book artists. The idea is to have each character be drawn in a different art style (For example, I would be illustrated by Yoshitaka Amano. I have high aspirations.) Before I am able to have prestigious artists create work based on my story I must create something great that piques their interest in me. No matter. We will find a way.

Until then we shall continue to draw horribly disfigured people whose parents were clearly involved in substance abuse.

Accomplishment: ANIMATION!

At long last my animation project, "What Are You Waiting For?" has been completed! Rejoice in the glory of Lord Veltha!

Okay... maybe it's not... technically... done yet, but it is virtually done. Even as we speak my computer is in the midst of the ever important rendering process, which seems to take about two hours for every minute of film. I must also find a way to get a copy to my producer for approval and organize a premiere party at the lair. Oh, the partying that shall ensue.

Three years ago I graduated from High School. After a brief college enrollment where I learned that really wide rolling backpacks are incredibly ill-designed, how to insert headers in Microsoft Word, how to grow efficiantly despise vector imaging programs (I made my fancy logo in college as a school project dealing with advertising. While other students were promoting products and bands I was developing my image as an evil overlord. Yes, I am awesome.), and that Portland is a horrible horrible place to go to school when you have to bus everywhere, I began working on a project entitled "Ninja Among Us" (a public service announcement that explained the encroaching ninja threat and how to defend yourself. This was back when the Ninja VS Pirates craze was at its peak.) Not long into that I was approached by my animation pimp who got an email from a friend who got an email from a friend about a guy from New York who was looking for a stick figure animator to... animate stick figures... and insert them into one of his old films. I was given the job and I've been working on it almost ever since.

This thing has been taking forever! When I started out I alternated days similar to how my High School schedule was organized. Monday and Wednesday I would write comics, Tuesday and Thursday I would animate, and Friday I would work on my novel. This continued on for a year or so. I was fortunate enough to be allowed sanction in my neighbor's house. They allowed me to use one of their spare rooms to set up my stuff. While I was thankful for this opportunity to have my own little studio, that was really the only place I went. Back and forth through the neighborhood every day. I had nowhere else to go and nobody to talk to. The isolation took its toll. When I finished drawing I was so terrified of the project that I refused to resume work on it. Even when I was allowed to use the animation equipment at my former High School there were several times I wanted to quit. I was watching my work in motion for the first time and did not like seeing how all those months of emotional labor amounted to total crap. Most of my fear stemmed from the knowledge that I would have to go back and re-animate certain scenes, and I had associated many horrible emotions with that activity. It wasn't until I began editing against the original film that I felt things were coming together. I did go back to the drawing board, as they say, and for the first two days it was okay and I laughed at my fears of becoming lost to extreme negativity. By the third day I had no patience for anything and had to keep myself from biting people's faces off.

But it's totally okay now! Now I am done. Now I am driven to ensure that such an experience never befalls me again. I have friends, I have goals, I have passions. I am pushing myself harder than I've ever thought possible to overcome my anxiety and break the cycle of despair. Global domination is at hand! With this animation completed I can focus on other projects what will hopefully allow for collaboration with others. I can start writing again! I would like to focus on my novel, but I am most interested in collaborating with people to produce comic books and short live action films. Tomorrow I get to attend a meeting at the radio station and discuss radio matters... with actual people!

I think most of the meeting will pertain to organizational matters, but I will be introduced to people who are interested in producing a radio drama. I've already emailed the new station manager a couple proposals that I think should be fairly easy to work on. When we find our stride we can pursue stories with more... I dunno... "scope." I'm interested in hearing other ideas. I would be more than happy to do grunt work at the station and provide voice talent. This is a great opportunity for shameless self-promotion since one of the goals of the studio is to make Vancouver more awesome by uniting artists. The station itself is volunteer work, but it is fun volunteer work! This is what I want to do. I may not be the most organized person, but I am committed.

When the animation is, for all intents and purposes, DONE, I must find a way to post it here. I don't want to bother with film festivals. I really don't. If Mr. Guy-In-New-York wants to do that stuff then great. It would be nice to see something done with all of this work, but I am more than happy to see it go away. I must work to accomplish my next mission, whatever that may be.

Pathos and Good Will.

Accomplishment: Art Gallery!

I spoot you not. Someone thought it would be a good idea to put my drawings up in a gallery. Please, collect the remnants of your blown mind and continue with me down the path of "What the crap were they thinking?"

Okay, first and foremost, this isn't really an "art gallery" per say, but more of a... nut house. Not that the people going there are nuts. No sir. I'm not saying that. People going there are going to get help. That's why I'm going there, and I'm not nuts. I'm totally sane. Actually, my therapist there seems to think I'm good to go off on my own, but I'm still not sure what to do with myself now that I'm, for all intents and purposes, "better," "stable," "cured," or "no longer going around kicking puppies to make myself feel better about my problems." (At least I'm not a tiny dog that just got kicked for no good reason. I mean, that would suck. I'm a pretty lucky guy.)

(I must remember to put an easy-to-reference disclaimer somewhere that will tell people stumbling upon this blog that I am not serious about the puppy kicking or calling children "meat bags." I'm aware that sarcasm doesn't travel well over the internet. Although, adding a disclaimer might kill any and all evil overlord credibility I've acquired over the however-long-I've-been-trying-to-be-an-overlord period. Hurm...)

The gallery is for some big-wig dinner, meeting, thing... I don't know. I lost the flier. It's somethin' about people comin' in for some reason, and the place needed to prove that they were doing something worthwhile by having their patients produce art about how awesome they are. The algebraic equation describing why this is a big deal for me goes a little somethin' like this:

Recognition for Talent + Self-Indulgent Artist's Statement Where I Explain Why I'm Awesome + Small Commission = A Very Happy Narcissistic Overlord Slowly Making His Way in the World + A little Bank for Little to no Effort

You can try to simplify it if you're a nerd (I tried, but I don't think this has anything to do with math so I failed.) What it really amounts to is awesomeness, and that's pretty much what I'm tryin' to go for here. What's even better: since I framed the piece and the required artist statement together they decided it qualified for a bigger check. I just gave them what they asked for and they decided to pay me twice what I deserve. On top of that they read a copy of that children's book I mentioned back in episode whatever and decided to add that to their little show and are willing to pay me for that too. I'm getting paid to do crap I normally do just for the heck of it! This is the way it should be. I should be awesome, and people should reward me for that awesomeness! I'd probably have to do a little more than make little black and white doodles, but... you know... I'm still cool. (*whimper*)

I mean, it'd be great if I could actually support myself just by being me. That's kinda the overall goal here. It'll take a lot more than a gallery show at a mental health center to help me reach that goal, but it's a start. The real goal is to find a way to pool my greatness with others so that it congeals together in a big pool of extra-greatness. In other words: combine work and social life. Ah, which reminds me that I have a screenplay writing program thing now. One of my evil plots for over the summer is to produce a short film that will hopefully give other awesome people a reason to play with me assuming they have nothing better to do. I'm too much of a coward to just say, "Hey, hang out with me!" but if I have something I want to do that actually requires other people to help me out with then I'll have more incentive to get over my neurosis. (It's funny how my mind works. Anything worth doing is worth complicating beyond reason.)

The radio station thing still hasn't contacted me. It's been suggested that I just waltz on in and introduce myself. That sounds pretty good since they haven't been returning my emails. What's the worst that could happen? I still think that getting this radio gig, be it DJ, sound engineer, gorilla reporter, or gopher, would be the best thing that has the highest potential of actually happening.

What else we got? Oh, hey, check this out. This is the thing I submitted.

Artist's Statement: "In overcoming my depression and anxiety, change is one of the most difficult obstacles I face. As I recover it becomes challenging to deal with my new capabilities. There are times I grow anxious simply because the familiar feeling of anxiety that has been with me for years is no longer present. When I walk into a noisy crowded room I am no longer overcome with fear. My body doesn’t tense up, my breath doesn’t hasten, my mind doesn’t reel, and I don’t know how to deal with being okay. I do not yet understand how to be normal.
Since coming off of my medication and learning how to self-regulate my emotions I have drive, ambition, desire, and hope; all things I’ve never had before. It’s overwhelming. I’m compelled to change, and often I feel as if changes aren’t happening fast enough. I know I’m capable of so much more. Suddenly there’s a need to make up for lost time. I need to make friends, get a job, get a car, move into a place of my own, push myself to my limits. I want to escape from the anxiety and depression that has become so normal to me. I’m afraid if I don’t keep pushing myself, or if I stop to take a break, everything will come back. It’s a nightmare."

Blah blah blah angst.
But angst I'm getting paid for is way better than the regular kind. Everything will be okay, but I gotta go before my grammar totally falls apart on me. Just havin' a few issues here an' there with sentence structure. No big deal. It adds character.

Rules of the Game

(The other day before I started this blog I wrote down a list of Things I Gotta Do In Order To Be MORE Awesome and then paper clipped it to the Hotwheels display thing I've got on my door that makes for rather stylish bulleten board. It's basically a set of guidelines that will help me with my day-to-day struggles with life, the universe, and everything. In theory, if I follow these steps I should be less depressed and more eager to conquer the world. This is what I came up with. They're written in the second person for my own reference. I'm not telling you what to do, so don't feel obligated to improve your way of life. Not that your life needs improving. I didn't say that. This is just for me to help me be a better me. Chances are if you tried to be me you'd screw up. Not that you're a screw up, just that... you're... not... me. I'm a shut up now. Disclaimer over.)

• Laugh! At self... of course. The worse things get the louder you laugh. Sorrow's okay, but always wrap it up with a joke.
• Accept! Things won't always work out the way you want. See above. Things will be okay. Do not dwell! Do not lose courage! DO NOT LOSE HOPE! For example: Just because you didn't sleep doesn't mean you won't sleep. It's okay to say, "If I don't sleep tonight it's okay," but it'd be better if you just didn't think about it. How many people actually think about how they're going to sleep? Accept past and present. The future hasn't happened.
• Pay Attention! I know you zone out and sometimes it seems impossible to focus. See above. Make the effort. Take charge. Try your best, but don't be hard on yourself if you can't. Again... see above.
• Don't Think! Have faith in your talent to be you. Things have a way of working out. You are naturally awesome! Just don't let it go to your head. See above.