Lord Veltha is a typhoon of WIN

It's official. I am a tropical cyclone of amateur voice acting success. It's been almost a month since my last post, and in that time I have landed a slew of roles that will surely not become overwhelming in the least.
...
*cough*

Upon being cast in Naruto The Abridged Series Movie (and hookers!) my ego was inflated to beyond healthy proportions and I decided to investigate further roles. The fellow who kindly pointed me in the direction of the "Old Guy" audition mentioned that he was casting for Wild ARMS Abridged.

For those who don't know (namely my parents) an "Abridged Series" is a fan made series of videos often posted on YouTube where anime fans condense thirty minute episodes into eight or ten minutes, often lampshading confusing plot points, making fun of annoying characters, or completely changing a character's personality (or ethnicity, eh?) Often the resulting show becomes almost completely unrecognizable. There are many many bad ones, and even the more popular ones will make you want to lick a cheese grater to get your mind off of the pain, but they are altogether a somewhat humorous display of fandom.

For more information, consult the media entertainment equivalent of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: TV Tropes

After auditioning and receiving praise (and yea, even lending some requested script assistance) I got the role. I didn't know how many of the roles I got until now, but I'll get to that.

It was also from this source I learned of Voice Acting Alliance, which is a resource for amateur voice actors, directors, producers, etc who have all come together with a common goal: be awesome. It was here I decided to bite off more than I can chew, and why I continue to resemble a cow chewing cud.

For the record (and because my own memory is so terrible that I really need to write this crap down somewhere) here is the current list of projects I'm engaged in.

Wild ARMS Abridged (Abridged series based on Wild ARMS: Twilight Venom)
-Sheyanne Rainstorm (High normal voice. I didn't even audition for it! No kidding! I hate my voice...)
-Dr. Kiel Arronax (AKA "Doctor Captain Pirate Mullet". Brock Samson)

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Black Nerv Project (Not sure what the final name is, but it's a parody of Evangelion. From the looks of the script, I don't think they actually shortened it, so I don't think it's "Abridged." Amazing script though.)
-Fuyutsuki (The Old Guy strikes again! Get off my lawn!)
-Male Announcers 1, 2, and 3, helicopter pilots, crew mamber (I haven't gotten a critique yet on my auditions, so I'm not sure what I'm doing here. For these I mostly used variations on my annoying normal voice, and Stu Brawny Johnson. (Think Coach Z from homestarrunner.com))
-Sachiel The Angel (They said "Go nuts!" I went nuts, throwing in every voice I can do. I don't know what one they chose, and may not know until the show is finished because they only needed that one line.)

By the way, they're still looking for actresses.

Mega Man X: Vile (A fan-made RPG based on the Mega Man X series.)
I auditioned for four roles, and didn't get any of them because my voices didn't fit the characters. Luckily, I still got parts.
-Metal Shark Player (Auditioned for Dr. Wily. High-pitched pirate. Yeah, I'm awesome.)
- Mattrex (KROGNOLON! I have to make him sound sly and not stupid though. We'll see how that goes.)

I also get to re-audition for the role of Dynamo after having heard more information, and a clip from another audition. (I think I gotta go somewhere between Brock Samson and my normal voice. Have I mentioned I hate my normal voice? Just recordings though. I can and do talk to myself incessantly.)

That's not a whole lot, right? Sure my social life is suffering, but that's because I've been reclusive and depressed! Now I'll be isolated from the people I care about because of my heavy workload, the way it's SUPPOSED to be. Just in time for the holidays. (That's okay, people can pick up their Snowflake Day presents next month.)

I have a lot of links scattered around in this post. I don't know if they'll transfer over to Facebook or not. If not, then tough luck.

(Quick Rant: I downloaded a Dragonball Raging Blast demo last night. Now, why the HELL would they put out a demo of a FIGHTING GAME and not make it TWO PLAYER? It's RIDICULOUS!)

Pathos and good will,
Lord V.

Lord Veltha VS Nostalgia

Updates, updates, updates.

I haven't been on Blogger for some time now. I could look up when my last post was, but by that time I'd lose focus and never find my way back to actually writing a new post.

The Astonishing Dude seems to have all but stopped. I seem to have caught the Suck-Virus (if that sounds disgusting, believe me, it is. I don't understand how so many people can live life without being awesome.) and have trouble with minor things such as dialing phones, sending emails, or making it to the library to check out books that I've had on hold until the hold expires (I did finally get one though! It's, uhh... "Stitches" by David Small, and frankly I'm not sure I'm ready to read it. I should probably take it back.) Hopefully I won't have The Suck for much longer, but it seems to be keeping me indoors a lot. Even when I am able to communicate with someone it's fine while it lasts, but immediately afterwords blah blah blah angst no need to get into that muck.

My mediocre career as a voice actor flickers on though. I've recently been cast in the role of Sandayu "The Old Guy" Asama in the Naruto The Abridged Series Movie. In a super roundabout way, as things tend to fall, I auditioned for minor roles in Sonic Abridged, a guy said NTAS was lookin' for someone, and lo and behold I got the part. I have yet to actually get in touch with Vegeta3986, but I must have patience (Not everyone is as burdened with having excessive quantities of free time as myself. Woe is me.) and in time I will be killed by a ninja train (Yes, the train itself is a ninja. It hurls more kunai then anyone else and kills the most people. It might not be the most stealthy assassin what with being a train and all, but hey... this is Naruto we're talking about. they don't actually place a heavy emphasis on stealth.)

I'm writing again. It's been a while. While this is wonderful news considering I'm at my most attuned with greatness when I'm clacking away at a keyboard telling stories that in all likelihood will never reach the eyes of readers, I'm not... actually... uh...

You see, the thing is... this thing I'm writing, while it's great I'm writing it... it's... uh... well, it's it's it's... fan-fiction.

You have to understand. I have horrible associations with fan-fiction on at least two counts. No.1 is quality. I realize that not everyone writes as terribly as the admittedly funny and equally grammatical-aneurysm inducing freakfest of "My Immortal" (of which I have only read about on TVtropes.org and decided I'm not in the right state of mind to read the actual... thing.) but I tend to associate fan-fiction with crap. I'm not saying anything I write is any better (I'm just gracious enough to hide it from anyone and everyone), and I'm sad to admit there are fan-produced works that are better than anything I do, I'm saying that this is my association.

No.2 is more personal. I have this overwhelming need to make something of myself and do things that I deem "Productive." I have no real direction in life, so I don't fully understand how I classify something as productive, but it seems to correspond to busy work I feel good doing. I have this grand scheme that some of my work falls into, but I know full well that this plot will never come to fruition. I'm just working for the sake of working and daydreaming that something good will come of it. With that said; working on an project comprised of unoriginal ideas that I cannot use to further my rhetorical goals seems like a waste of time. It does keep me writing though, and any time spent writing can't be considered a waste of time. It makes me happy. It gets my limited capacity for creativity flowing. It keeps my mind off of other issues. All is well.

Even my doodles are going the way of parody. I'm halfway through my series of AWESOME Luke doodles, depicting how A New Hope would be different if Luke Skywalker didn't suck. The best description I've heard was that this is what Star Wars would be like if Happy Noodle Boy were Luke, which brought me no end of amusement. I originally started doodling again as a way to express my neurotic thoughts, which I continue to do when I come across a thought I'm able to make fun of, but now it's mostly AWESOME Luke (and I do feel the need to capitalise awesome, which may be another neurotic thing.) The idea came about one day as I was walking about daydreaming about Sonic The Hedgehog, as usual, when I started casting Sonic characters as Star Wars roles. After about half an hour of debate I cast Sonic as Luke and laughed at the thought of Luke being awesome. Then the doodles began of AWESOME Luke, and soon after I caved in to the urge to actually write what I'd originally been daydreaming about.

So now everything I'm doing revolves around fandom and parody. My voice acting, writing, and doodles.

I have learned something about myself though. I've learned that nostalgia plays a key role in my life. I learned this while browsing Overclocked Remix. Most of the songs on my MP3 player are either punk covers of old songs, or video game OSTs and remixes. I only listen to songs I've heard before. I have trouble getting into new music. I don't listen to the radio, and when it's on I tend to tune it out. When friends on Facebook post videos of their favorite bands I listen, but I don't feel any connection. Even ripping CDs for Mom I occasionally say, "You know, the rhythm, the melody, everything here is something I would like... but I don't."

Video games are the same way. If I play a new game in a series it feels... wrong. I couldn't get into Sonic Advance, and even Sonic Rush (which is now one of my favorite games) felt odd at first because I'm so used to playing the Genesis titles over and over until I play them by heart the way someone sings a song by heart. When people sing do they remember the words? When I sing the words just flow out. Come the second or third verse I have to remember the first line, but then the rest pours out naturally and I'm not even sure i know what I'm singing. That's how I play video games, and Sonic especially. Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack In Time came out recently. Now, when I got Tools of Destruction it had been a good few years since I played the previous games, and I'd only played through each of them once or twice. When CiT came out I decided to go through all of the games in order before I picked it up at the store. It'd been a long time since I played through the series, so I had nothing memorised, but when I saw things I recalled seeing them before, almost like deja vu. Once I started playing CiT things felt weird. There may be a few cosmetic differences, but every R&C game is pretty much the same. The thing that felt odd wasn't that the game was new, it was that I didn't remember it. I need things to be familiar. I don't respond well to change.

I might be getting a psychological evaluation soon. My therapist asked me last week if I'd ever had one. She felt terrible that she hadn't asked sooner. She also apologized a lot because she didn't want me to feel like there was something "wrong" with me. I know there's nothing "wrong," but I also know there's a whole lot keeping me from being "right," and I'd like to have a better understanding of what that is.

I played Commodore 64 last night for the first time in years. It felt great, even though I died without getting any farther in The Amazing Spider-Man than I have before (Drowning in dookie water.) Batman: The Caped Crusader is just as impossible as I remember, but a lot funnier ("You got the A Fried Egg.") I also suck at Kings of the Beach now, which was never the case before. My reaction time is completely shot. I'm thinking about hooking up my Genesis, even though most of the games I own I've been playing on PS2. The feel of a classic controller can't be emulated.

Ready? FIGHT!

"Is this for you?" the cashier said skeptically, looking at me out of the corner of his eye as he placed a copy of Scribblenauts into the plastic bag.

"Yes," I said with a nod and big smile on my face.

He shook his head. "I'm used to seeing people buying violent games. I don't even play. Games are too graphic for me. Pacman and Ms. Pacman. That's what I play. I can't handle much more than that."

His reaction amused me. Nobody expects a 6'3" 22 year-old fellow such as myself to purchase a game featuring a little boy with a weird rooster hat on the cover. I also thought it was funny he actually commented on my purchase. Last time I went to that store I was buying Repo: The Genetic Opera and the animated Wonder Woman movie, and nobody said anything about my double feature selection.

As I left the store I started thinking about my choice in game selection. I grew up with a Sega Genesis and Sonic The Hedgehog. The most violent game I'd ever played up until then was Batman for the Commodore 64. If you open up the box in my closet where my Genesis games reside you will pull out a mascot based platformer. Back in the day, that was the most popular genre. Everything from Lion King to Earthworm Jim fell in that category. Most of my PlayStation and PS2 games are also platformers like Crash Bandicoot and Ape Escape. To this day I still prefer to play games like Ratchet & Clank and Super Mario Galaxy, but when you look at my wish list it's quite obvious my tastes have changed. Fallout 3, Assassin's Creed, No More Heroes 2, BlazBlu. Fighting games, shooters, they're all there. I suck at fighting games, and I don't even particularly like shooters, but I will admit there's nothing more romantic than curling up on the couch with your girl and fragging Chimera Hybrids with an Auger. It's just odd bouncing between Resistance: Fall of Man and Boom Blox Bash Party on the Wii.

When did my tastes change? Not that they've changed much, because I still play "kiddy" games. I always hated violence. Bloodshed made me nauseous. I don't believe in guns (they exist only IN YOUR MIND.) I think some of the blame can be placed on Marvel VS Capcom 2 for the Dreamcast. That was my fist fighting game. There was something oddly satisfying in beating the snot out of Akuma, Megaman, or Gambit without having any real reason to do so. It was kinetic and unpredictable. Unlike other games full of goomba stomping and crate bashing there was no opportunity to relax. It was you versus a Sentinal, Zangief, and a Servebot (most embarrassing loss ever. I managed to beat the two tanks only to fall before the menacing little Lego chef.) Instead of figuring out when to time your jumps and what order to flip switches, this was a true test of my skill as a gamer. It wasn't long after that I began my Stick Striker animation and started watching old black and white samurai movies. My interest in armed and unarmed combat was growing. I downloaded SNES roms of Street Fighter and Samurai Shodown. I still couldn't bring myself to play more graphic games like Mortal Kombat, but I'm more likely to test my might now.

I'm gonna sit back on the couch and pit God against an atheist in Scribblenauts to see what happens.

"It was Fate, in the radio station, with the ironic twist."

In this installment of Lord Veltha VS Fate, we would like to recap for you last week's spectacular confrontation between the two forces of personification, but before we do that let's head to Tom at the sports desk for a brief look at the last month's activities to explain why this was such a crucial battle in the epic struggle between the two titans. Tom?

"Thank you, my lord. You're looking great as ever, Sir."

It must be hard to sit at the sports desk with your head up your ass, Tom. You could easily be replaced.

"Apologies my lord. Well, Veltha fans, it's been a long month for the team. After last month's spectacular victory with The Astonishing Dude Episode 1: Art Critical, they decided to make it two for two with episode two, but things did not go smoothly. Trouble started when, due to confusion and scheduling conflicts, some members of the cast were unable to arrive at the recording session on time. After a brief loss of composure..."

You can go ahead and skip that part. This blog is about optimism.

"Despite certain... complications... and beginning the recording session half an hour late rather than getting in there and recording scenes that did not feature the temporarily misplaced cast members whom were but victims of the dark lord's shoddy scheduling abilities..."

Think of your family, Tom.

"... it's kind of hard to..."

You can do it, Tom. I have faith in you. So does your wife and children.

"... the... um... session was slightly hurried, particularly during the end of the session, but the only casualty was one line of dialog that could be recorded remotely later on in the week, and the unfortunate choice to record dialog with the background walla rather than recording them separately so that it would be easier to manipulate the two on separate tracks. Regardless, the afternoon was perceived as a victory.

"Then came the long and laborious editing process which the lord, in his need for control and perfection, took on by himself as Lucifer took on the task of corrupting mankind in Paradise Lost..."

Good analogy.

"After working morning 'til night on his laptop (which was miraculously able to keep up with Lord Veltha's pace despite having a history of overheating and breaking down) for about a week with only one day to rest, the day came when it was time to report for DJ duty at WSU's KOUG Radio station. There had been no time to prepare for that week's show as he had been busy fussing over The Astonishing Dude. Fortunately, one of his comrades came with a copy of the "Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus" board game and the team was able to kill most of the time answering questions about their sex lives. It was thought that disaster had been averted, but when it came time for them to leave the unthinkable happened.

"Somehow, the station's automated playlist ceased functioning. Having been on edge for most of the program..."

But masking it fairly well.

"Once things took a turn for the worst Lord Veltha's anxiety became barely manageable. It was then as he watched over his engineer's shoulder to understand what the problem was that one of his comrades prodded him playfully in the back. Determined to prevent his friends from knowing about the full extent of his unstable mental state, and doing everything he could to prevent them from ever seeing him in a 'freaked out' state for fear that they might begin to treat him differently, he had neglected to inform them that physical contact in a time of anxiety had grave circumstances. In a tiny room packed with people, during a time of perceived crisis and great claustrophobia, Lord Veltha was able to resist falling into a wrathful state by utilising his new found mental powers. He, in his benign greatness, rather than causing the entire building to explode, was able to simply turn around and say to his friend, 'Let's not do that right now' with a next to pleasant smile on his face. Ironically, his friends responded by attempting to console him with a pat on the back.

"The crisis however, had not been averted. Dead air was all the audience was hearing, and dead air was then enemy. Something had to be done while the system was brought back online, and it was up to Lord Veltha himself to address the audience and stall for time. Again, rage and despair made a claim for the dark lord's soul, but with a duty to fulfill it was immediately cast aside and his persona was that of a radio announcer yet again, completely in control of his emotions by being completely focused on the task at hand. The alternative to doing a job well done was unacceptable. Once the system was reactivate and they were able to call it a day, Lord Veltha immediately fled from the station and took refuge in the bathroom that smells like Jell-O, rocking back and forth in the fetal position as he attempted to reacquire his nerve and wit before facing his allies again."

I was out getting lunch. You didn't say anything that would compromise my position as an evil overlord, did you?

"No, Sir."

Good. I mean, I know I told you to keep it brief, but I decided to take advantage of your long winded depictions of my awesomeness in order to obtain a sandwich. Would you like some?

"No thank you, my lord."

Okie doke. Carry on.

"After that harrowing struggle it was back to work for the master. With only a week left before the episode aired and only half of the show completed he would have to channel all of his energy into completing the show. Every track of dialog had to have the volume balanced out, many of the sound clips required various plug-ins that modulated the voices, legally obtainable free sound effects were difficult to come by, but with one full day to spare Episode 2 of The Astonishing Dude had been completed. That day was well spent, and a private viewing with friends and family was arranged.

Ow!

"A-are you alright, Sir?"

I juth bit my thung. Don' thop. Juth keep thelling the thory.

"As you wish, Sir.

"The next day everything appeared to be going well, but Lord Veltha in his mysterious wisdom could sense that something was wrong. Knowing full well that success was on the horizon he shrugged off his discomfort and was escorted to the station. It was then, approximately half-way through the episode, that the laptop that had survived for weeks during the editing process suddenly shut down for good. The computer could not be repaired, and it held the only available copy of the show. Thankfully his trusty engineer thought quickly on his feat and began playing music while Lord Veltha sought out a means of getting the show back on the air."

"A month of stress and little sleep had finally caught up, weakening the overlord. As he attempted to relay instructions to deliver his external hard drive to the station the darkness inside him began to seep out into the world. Frantic and hopeless, it took all of his remaining strength to hold himself up in front of his ninja lieutenant. Wanting nothing more than to run away from his responsibilities and give up on the whole thing..."

Alright alright. I'm sick of hearing you talk.

"But..."

You can go home now.

"But... what about my family?"

Oh yeah... them. I don't remember what I did with them.

"But I...!"

Just go home. If I find them laying around somewhere I'll mail them to you. Now leave before I rip out your spine and beat you with it.

"Oh... alright..."

Today's not a pleasant day. I haven't slept in, like... well I haven't slept. I can't focus. I still need to mow the lawn. Anyway, after nearly breaking down I managed to focus myself in much the same way I did the previous week. There was a job to be done. It wasn't going to get done if I was freaking out. If all I was good for was giving up and crying like a freaking baby then the best thing I could do was not be myself and do it well. I gave up on TAD and ran back to the station (I had done a lot of running. First I started running to the parking lot with my ninja chauffeur, then I decided to call my mom, then I freaked out and gave up.) Once back inside I took the station by the reigns and we ended up doing what I consider to be the best show we've ever done. Hopefully we can archive it online soon, but we'll need to get it onto someone else's computer since mine is DEEEEAAAAAD!

Hopefully this Friday my external hard drive will work and we can air the show again, this time ALL the way through. The right after that is Kumoricon, which unfortunately I know nothing about since I've never gone before, have been too busy to research it, and every time I try to focus on anything I start breaking down again. I've been pushing myself much too hard. It's terrible, because if I can't keep up with these shows how will I ever be able to achieve my other goals? I understand I'm fairly new to the world. I haven't had a whole lot of experience in reality. My body and mind aren't conditioned for the labor I'm forcing myself to do. Eventually my power will grow, but I mustn't be hasty. Everything will come in time. Impatience has lead to the downfall of many overlords. I must learn from the mistakes of my predecessors. I must accept myself for who I am, and hope that others are able to do the same. I don't believe I give my friends enough credit. I obviously have been failing to hide from them, and yet it doesn't phase them in the least. Considering the way things have been going, K-Con is certain to be an adventure.

What could possibly go wrong?

"If I'm going to be concious at ungodly hours, I may as well stream it."

I feel drunker than a wombat on a goat song could you pass the relish my grandma can't take much more or this is the end of the line Mr. Jones, Mr. Peanut, Mr. Rogers, Mr. T, Mr. Ed couldn't sing tenor to save his lives are one hundred coins each would you like a bag for that or would you like to wear it home Sargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band camp and brothel with peas and carrots mixed in a special cream cheese sauce.

Welcome one and all to the Scrap Brain Zone portion of our show where we're so REM sleep deprived we begin to emulate the effects of intoxication. Day one we're sluggish, 2nd day we're cranky, third day we zombie out, and on the 4th day we have violent mood swings. By the end of the fourth this is what happens. My pants are enormous could I borrow yours? Someday we'll laugh at the 101 uses for fish sticks all mattresses must go! This is what happens. The middle changes from time to time, but the end is always the same.

1. "I'll be okay."
2. "Calm down. There's nothing to worry about."
3. "Oh god I need to sleep tonight. I need to sleep. I can't do this again."
4. "My pancreas spoke to me though my hand and it's not pleased with the progress we're making on the waffles John Deer would eat our skin through a bucket sized spaghetti strainer on a Saturday night fever pitch!"

So much to do so much to do. Try to go with the flow. On bad days I stop and let it be bad. Cancel plans. Apologize the next day. Bad day bad day. Violence, rage and anger mustn't be seen mustn't be seen. What would the henchmen think? Don't sweat it champ it happens to the best of us from time to time just don't let the porcupines bear witness or it will come back to bite you in the checkbook. I proposed to a car after my girlfriend kicked me to the curb when I sang a love song on the way home, then Freddy Kruger gave me an indian burn in front of Santa Claus and made baby Jesus cry. Baby Jesus: from the company that brought you Tickle-Me-Judas and Bathtime Fun Moses! Can't keep a beat but still keep rockin'! Toilet seat allergies are worse in the autumn. So much to do. I keep trying. I mustn't give up. Move on and perservere through madness. Infinite improbability overload quick strangle the gopher before it makes off with my Cheetos.

How long can I go on like this? It won't shut off. So much to do so much to do busy busy busy. I don't know what I'm doing. I never know. I keep trying. All surpass me. Why do I fight? What am I good at? I can't do enough. It'll never be enough. My envy of others is my downfall. I feel shame for my insecurity. Garden biscuits for breakfast Tuesday though Saturday at Weasel Land Family Fun Park. Marmots get in free! How can what I do be enough? So many dreams. None can be achieved. Keep trying. Keep trying. Reach for the stars no matter how much your arm hurts when it cramps up from the irony. Sing me oh muse a tale of woe. Of dichord and chaos long long ago. There once was a man, a milliner of lies, who chuckled and chortled at everyone's guise. I cannot go on, but I know that I must. Come with me now or else fade into dust.

Don't raffle at the gun show sink like a ship in the sand drink and be merry don't let it eat you strive for your life and let manniquins weep.

Can I try to keep going? Don't know if I'll stop. I just want to live all of my lives and share them with the world. I know many good people that on one else does. I want to invite them to join in the fun. They will make people laugh and hopefully cry, and all mourn their loss when they finally die.

I'm still trying. Please help me succeed.

In hindsight, stream of conciousness writing may not be the best way to fall asleep. It used to work. If my mind wouldn't shut off I'd let it flow like this onto a piece of paper, and once all of the nonsense was absorbed I could put it aside and go to sleep. Now the flow doesn't always end. I stop when I get tired or bored, but my mind is still going. I usually post this crap where I collect my thoughts in order to figure out how my mind works, but for some reason this time around I was compelled to share it here. It's funny how it begins with babbling, then I go on to explain why I'm in my peculiar mental state, and somewhere in there near then end I begin to get whiny. I also talk about allowing bad days to be bad, but I never talk about allowing good days to be good, or explain what a bad day is and how allowing it to be bad is my way of making it good. That's probably because none of that makes sense and I hate explaining things. I don't like forcing myself to think. I've long lost the ability to do so, and now I must simply be. Stream of conciousness writing is the fullest extension of "simply being." It is not something that you do. It is something you allow yourself to do.

This is the most pathetic entry I've posted in quite some time. This is not what this blog is for. This blog is about sharing my triumphs.

Maybe tomorrow.

The Treads on the Battle Tank Keep Spinning

Behold! Episode 1 of The Astonishing Dude (now referred to as TAD for short, 'cause I like that better then AD, and yes these things are important to me and you can't take away my freedom stop trying to control my life leave me alone I'm not hungry I'm going to my room and I'm never coming back OMG sugar rush!) has been completed!

All goes according to plan. As per standard production procedure I worked on that sucker 'til it was time to head out the door and abuse the auditory canals of those fortunate enough to hear our masterwork. Keeping the volume consistent throughout the piece was the biggest difficulty I had. No, finding sound effects was, but the volume came a close second (which reminds me that I need to do some more sound hunting if I'm going to pull off the upcoming commercial breaks. I should delegate this task to someone else. Any volunteers? Who wants to find me a bowling ball, a toaster, an agitated hamster, and an aerosol can full of doughnut batter? Think of it as a scavenger hunt.) The great thing is that no matter how many times I listened to this thing it never got boring. Animation gets old fast. Granted, it takes a hell of a lot longer too. This show though... this show is astonishing through and through. My only disappointment is that we didn't have the recorder going when we did our live cast commentary. Sad day. (I know most of what I said, so I could record my own commentary... but I think blogging is the full extent I'm willing to take my ego. It just wouldn't be the same without my outstanding comrades anyway.)

And Episode 2 is officially underway! Armed with previous experience, our intrepid hero (overlord) ventures not into the unknown wilderness of radio play production, but into the familiar lake of tepid and not on the whole unpleasant work that is exhausting, time consuming, but ultimately rewarding. The challenge this month will be to effectively emulate a panic stricken mob of limbless civilians, an overzealous arena of bloodsport fanatics, learn how to apply voice modulation in order to make my actors sound alien but understandable (I cannot understand most alien voices due to their modulation. The Vogons in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio series especially, and most recently Emperor Tachyon's voice in Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction.) and play not one but TWO characters that are much too intense for my stomach to handle. I started getting sick during a run through of the script. I should be fine if I have lots of water handy. The show... must... go on... gasp... *MELODRAMATIC DEATH!*

I am also serving as Director Assistant/Script Master/Nagging Asshole in a film production called Nightbumpers. So far I've only screwed up once, if not twice, and all on our first day of shooting! The first error was when I started doing my job before the cinematographers said cut, and the second was when I might have been in the shot when the camera person did a pan of the set for extra coverage. I'm looking forward to the next day of shooting. I've never been a part of something like this. At the art school I was an animator, and wasn't involved in anything that required actual filming. I did write one screenplay and was there for shooting, but I dunno... that was different. I don't get that awkward feeling that I don't belong there though, which is good and quite surprising. I got a little nervous when I had to actually, you know, do my job, but I think that went alright. (I still need a copy of the script. I don't think I can keep hoarding the Director's. I may also bring some blue masking tape and a dry erase marker for the sake of taking blue masking tape and a dry erase marker.)

I'm working on learning to draw. Oddly, whenever I try to draw the way I'm taught I fail. I can't get beyond the two-dimensional wire frame model I've created. It should be a simple matter of cleaning up lines, really no different from my normal process, but something feels wrong. Winging it seems to be providing better and better results. Characters aren't especially detailed, there's no shading, texture, or color to speak of. Hands, feet, and faces continue to be my eternal adversaries. On the positive side, I have two tolerable sketches of myself: the infamous Lord Veltha. Other more pressing matters have taken time away from my pencil practice, but I feel that with the progress I've been making it will only be a few years until I become what artists refer to as "okay."

The world is in my hands. It's only a matter of time.

(And if you haven't already, check out www.imeem.com/astonishingdude for great justice!)

Accomplishment: Still working on it...

Here I am, again, sitting here in an attempt to relay a harrowing tale of my immense success and I've got nothing. This happens on occasion. It's usually a result of hunger, fatigue, or "I had a long day and I'd rather be playing video games or reading comic books." More often then not it's a combination of all three, and today is no exception. The only difference is that usually I post BS like this on LiveJournal where that sort of textureless monologing with no depth to speak of belongs (and I usually spell out bullshit.)

Last week my colorful associates and I met up at the legendary WSU Vancouver and recorded episode one of the soon to be legendary Astonishing Dude. I can't praise them enough. I'm trying though. I'm in the process of editing, and when I hear their lines I rush out of the room and onto FaceBook (I could call them, but then they'd have to get off the computer to answer the phone.) so that I may praise them. After the first two I decided I was making little progress as it was and kept working. I'll be sure to maul them later and suffocate them with praise.

Recording went smoothly. I seem to have given my actors all of the difficult to pronounce words and left all the easy ones to myself. (I'm curious to know how many directors have uttered the phrase, "Let's take it from molecular carbonation.") I was actually surprised at the lack of swearing when it came to line flubs. (I managed to take second place with only "damnit" and "son of a bitch." Actually, maybe I tied for first. The only other person who came close had three damnits. I'm not done editing yet, so maybe there're more lurking about. It could be anyone's game.)

The best part was that the super wonderful station manager, the cunning minx that she is, invited us to see the radio station. She did the exact same thing the last time I was there. First it's "Hey, do you wanna see the station?" and once we're there she slaps some headphones on us, throws us in front of the mics and runs away laughing gleefully over the horison. She's like a person selling kittens.

"Hey, would you like a kitten?"
"No thak you. I'm not interested."
"I bet you are."
"No, really, my mom's allergic. If she even sees one her windpipe swells shut and she can't breathe."
"Would you like to hold one?"
"Um... no..."
"I think one of them is trying to escape."
"What? I don't see..."
"Here, just hold this one while I go after the other."
"Uh... sure. Okay."
"There you go."
"OH MY GOD IT'S ADORABLE!"
"Hmm... seems as though I was mistaken. I could have sworn that..."
"I'LL TAKE TWO!"
"(Sucker)"

I think we may have a two hour time slot on Fridays from 2-4pm (Which can be heard at www.kougradio.com and I think maybe eventually some time soon some other site I don't remember or something. You should listen to it anyway. They play yodeling!) I haven't talked to anyone about it though... so I have no idea what we're doing. Then again, we didn't know what we were doing THEN, so what difference does it make? Maybe we'll read more horoscopes.

I've been keeping fairly busy, but I've made some time for myself. I've only spent 12 hours or so editing episode one, and I'm a bit over ten minutes into the show. Most of the time has been spent online foraging for sound effects. I'm sure once I get all the ones I need future episodes will go a lot quicker. I need to download all the sounds I can find (that work and are of reasonable quality) just to make damn sure I'll have what I need later (especially for the Rube Goldberg Home Kitchen Appliences commercial.)

There are three reasons I haven't spent more time working on this project. 1: I spent the weekend in Snoqualmie. 2: I'm handi-capable and have a rough time with mornings when I don't sleep at night due to the heat. 3: My laptop and external hard drive do not function properly at high temperatures (my laptop completely burnt out once, and today my external hard drive konked out and wouldn't turn back on until I slapped an icepack on it. It's such a diva...)

Now here I am trying to make sense of everything. I don't think I can, and I've given up trying. It seems to have worked out pretty well in my favor. I have four and a third scripts written, so we may only do five shows. This is a killer energy suck. Not that I'm complaining. I get to write and direct, hang out with my friends, and make something that will provide entertainment to dozens. This is exactly what I want. I've got a good thing going and I should follow it 'til the track runs out. Maybe it'll lead me to ways I can accomplish my other goals.

Radio Killed the Literary Star

At long last my battle with animation has come to an end, and it has been praised. It’s odd that it took me so long to complete, but this is no time to dwell on the past. Those were turbulent times, filled with tears and great strife. Now the final element linking me to that past has been vanquished and I will be able to move forward into the promising future beyond the horizon. A future in radio.

Today I began my fifth script for The Astonishing Dude and remote-recorded one of my actors before they ship overseas to Japan (She’s a robot and requires yearly maintenance. Allying myself with a robot goes against all of my better judgment and experience with science fiction movies, but she plays a mighty fine diseased pull string doll, and for that I am grateful.) Next week I will be able to record the rest of my cast as an ensemble. I expect the utmost professionalism from them. Not a single line will be flubbed, and at absolutely no point during the recording session will they break out into fits of uncontrollable laughter. I place all of my faith in their capable vocal chords.

Once the series begins my free time will become limited, assuming we’re attempting to maintain a weekly deadline. I’ll have to write one script a week, organize rehearsals, schedule recording sessions, edit and mix the show, then play it at KOUG Radio for all to enjoy. This isn’t impossible. Shows like SNL prove that. It may not be entertaining, but weekly deadlines can be met. I am a male Virgo, and quite incapable of multitasking. I can do one thing at a time, and that one thing must be perfect. The primary concerns are my poor writing habits and unifying everyone else’s schedule. With paint and canvas you can almost always guarantee that you’ll have everything you need to create your art. When your artistic medium requires people things become difficult. Paint brushes don’t have lives of their own. This isn’t a professional production. People are going to be scrambling for jobs and going to school, if not both. They may not be available on my easel when I need them. Meanwhile I will be so consumed by this production that I won’t have time for anything else. I’m fortunate that my comrades are involved in this project. Being the overlord is lonely work, but at least in this endeavor I won’t be alone. These people I am working with are more important to me than anything. They are the reason I continue to fight (I mean, yes, I am human, and as such I am inherently selfish. It would be more accurate to say that I fight for my own happiness and being able to associate with my comrades makes me happy and as such it is in my best interest to persevere through my madness so that I may spend time with them, but people reading this blog may not have the time to read through such a long winded explanation of my motivations. I have no desire to inconvenience anyone by going on and on about something that could easily be summed up in a short sentence. I dare say I’m being ironic. Imagine that.)

The other problem is that I am unable to stretch out a storyline beyond half an hour. The station manager suggested a one-hour time slot. I understand the need for nice even numbers (I'm a Virgo.) If we are given an hour to fill the best thing to do would be to see about getting cast members together at the station and talking about the process (or whatever comes up. There's really no telling sometimes.) It would be like episode commentary on DVD, but live. I for one would find that to be most enjoyable, and I'm sure my cast would love it as well. It would also be a great opportunity for my talented composer to discuss his work if he was in the area at the time of the broadcast. Another bonus for me is that if I assemble people together in a small room to talk about the show ideas may pop up that could be utilized in a future script. At present I am wholly dependent on my own imagination to provide interesting plot lines. My imagination and Netflix (Ah, I do love me some Justice League.)

For some time I have had the desire to return to the piece I was writing prior to my work on The Astonishing Dude. However, any time spent writing must, for the sake of great justice, be spent writing scripts for my radio series. I’m trying to compromise by drawing my characters (and myself. I’m not looking so good.) before I retire to my chaimbers in the evening. I am not a visual artist, and I do not claim to be a visual artist, but I will say that I’ve improved ever so slightly since the last time I attempted to draw human figures. For the sake of good taste I may have to stick to drawing machines, beasts, and plush kitties. If people begin gouging out their eyes due my atrocious sketching there will be no one left to gaze upon my handsome visage (Someone told me I had a pretty smile yesterday. They actually used the word pretty to describe my smile. I wasn’t sure whether to smite them or not, so I hired a former serial killer to decide for me. His judgment was swift.) My dream for this novel… is to write it. Actually finishing it would be a huge step, and despite how obvious it may seem to the future of the work it is something that quite escapes my mind. I would like key points of the story to be illustrated by various comic book artists. The idea is to have each character be drawn in a different art style (For example, I would be illustrated by Yoshitaka Amano. I have high aspirations.) Before I am able to have prestigious artists create work based on my story I must create something great that piques their interest in me. No matter. We will find a way.

Until then we shall continue to draw horribly disfigured people whose parents were clearly involved in substance abuse.

Operation: ASTONISHMENT!

I apologize for the extensive duration of time between my previous post and this one that I am now 36 vowels into (I think... each time I count the number changes. However, as I am infallible, every number I count to is the correct number of vowels that I count. How's that for logic?)

I am in the midst of a delicate operation. If THIS plan succeeds I will be one step closer to being one step closer to commencing my diabolical MASTER plan of global domination. But, before I go any further, I'll go ahead and start with the stuff people may care about (then I will ramble to my heart's content.)

Alright, so... after I learn how to properly operate my shiny new (and free) audio editing software, I will need to assemble some actors. I can record directly to my laptop, so I'll be able to record people at their convenience, and not have to arrange it so everyone has to gather together in one spot at a certain time. I've got a big long list of characters, so here are a few.

The Astonishing Dude: Stalwart defender of justice and title character.
Announcers: Need deep voiced radio announcer for episode intros and such, as well as intense energy-drink spokesperson, infomercial guy, and sweet lady varieties for commercial breaks.
Dr. Hands: Malevolent mustache-twirler and master of hand-to-hand combat. Forced to turn to crime due to the economic recession, and the need to purchase specialized ambidextrous tools.
Wrench Wench: The Astonishing Dude's sultry mechanic and on-again-off again romantic sub-plot (Although I have yet to see it set to "on".) Cursed by a gypsy to speak in innuendo (Which is surprisingly hard for me to write.)
Krognolon: Champion gladiator of Strugglesphere Four. Big brutish alien guy.
Nuboss: Alien pilot from Strugglesphere with the disposition of a frustrated shift manager at Kinkos.
Frigidaire-Devil: Obligatory ice-themed villain.
John Long the Thermal-Man: Equally obligatory fire-themed villain.
Swing Swordsman: 1920-30's inspired fencer. (The bee's knees, baby. Berries.)
The Shroud: Irritatingly mysterious villain. Melodramatic, and nobody really knows what he does, but it's probably evil... or is it?
Mother: Generic loving mother figure for commercials. The more Joan Cleavery the better.
Timmy: Equally generic little boy-type thing.
Little Girls: Blah blah blah...
TB Tabby Doll: Talking doll with tuberculosis. (Made in Taiwan!)
Jingle Singers: People who sing jingles. So far the only jingle I've written is for Dunky Cream Donuts... and I can't get it out of my head...
Incidentals and Background Characters: People just hangin' out and doin' stuff, whether it be exchanging ring tones, cheering wildly at off-world sporting events, or being violently evicerated. Not to mention the obligatory, "Look! Up in the sky!" dialog that should be expected of something like this.

I have, over the course of the first three episodes, at least 32 roles that need to be filled. The first episode alone has 13 characters. Actors will probably have to fill multiple roles, which shouldn't be too hard. Most of the characters are just incidental/background people that have maybe one line of screaming while their arms are getting ripped off. All in all, it sounds like there's more to this than there really is, but it also means I'll need a wide array of talent. Everything from dramatic announcers, to mothers and children, to semi-sinister villains, to demonic alien gladiators. I've even got a brief scene with zombie cows. ZOMBIE COWS!

Initially, phase 1 of this dastardly scheme consisted of writing as many radio scripts as I could manage so that once we begin broadcasting and I have less time to actually prepare nigh-intelligible dialog, there will be one less thing to rush through production. Perhaps I am falling into the old villainous cliche of impatiently reducing the preparation time and jumping right into the cool stuff with explosions and princess-napping, but I feel that the time has come to begin recording the show. I have two scripts completed, and a third underway. If I am to succeed any further I must learn how to utilize my audio editing facilities. Not only that, but recording my actors will bolster their enthusiasm for this project, and global domination is all about making the people happy (I wouldn't want anyone attempting to overthrow me.)

If I do begin recording, it does not need to be broadcast right away. I'm not entirely certain what my time-line is like, but there's no sense in getting started until I'm certain the operation is safe to commence. I'd still like to get a couple more scripts written up before weekly due dates come into play. It's better to learn and make mistakes before you activate the doomsday weapon, otherwise the hero is certain to find his way into your castle and screw with your important shit. The hero in this case, as is the case for most of my schemes, is Murphy. Murphy's Law is the one law I am most eager to break in order to achieve my goals.

If all goes according to plan, and Murphy does not interfere, I should be ready to start recording by the end of next week (Note the emphasis on the should.) My last post was full of defeat and negativity. That shall not happen again. From now on it's only positive upbeat awe-inspiring awesomeness worthy of the infamous Lord Veltha! In fact, I am so confidant that this plan will suceed I think we need to make promotional posters! (All in due time...)

In other, less important Velthan news, I will be heading to the Vancouver Share House office tomorrow to assist with bulk mailing. I have also registered for Kumoricon 2009... and we'll see how that goes.

Pathos and good will.

Accomplishment? Lord Veltha VS KOUG Radio

Today was completely and utterly overwhelming. I'm really not sure what happened. My head isn't throbbing as much since I took those pain killers. This is the result of me trying to push past my limits. I need to stick to merely reaching my limit for a while. This pushing crap is too much. This is like playing Final Fantasy IX and saying, "Okay, I'm gonna fight a Grand Dragon, and then go heal, and then fight another one, since I will be near death after fighting the first." And then getting attacked by a second dragon before you have time to recover... and then you die. It's pretty much like that. To offer a less geeky description, my day pretty much went as depicted in this doodle I was working on in order to focus and maintain a hold on my ever receding sanity.

Phase 1: I got to the WSU conference room plenty early, like an hour or so before the meeting started. I had stumbled around most of the morning: reading magazines, playing video games, etc. I was impatient to get there, so right after my early lunch I procured a shuttle and traversed the cosmos to reach the college. There I found a "Free Speech" board and was tempted to post a message of my own, but decided against it. Now I wish I had gone through with it. Perhaps next time.

Phase 2: After the meeting began and everyone was handed a type of application and "How To" checklist the station manager pulled out her digital recorder and interviewed everyone in the room, asking what they wanted to do for the station and what they wanted the station to do for them. I think I may have mentioned this somewhere else, but when I am in a new environment around new people I do not function properly. My mind cannot fully process everything that is going on. There is a stimulation overload. I simply freeze and observe the situation, determining whether I should run away or bust heads. Complete reptilian brain mode. As has been described in many a scholarly journal: reptiles suck at interviews. It was amazing. It sounded like everyone was reading from a script. Everyone knew exactly what they wanted. I began asking myself why I was there and by the time the microphone came before my face I had completely forgotten about my plans for a radio theater production. I managed to mention something about global domination, and that was that.

Phase 3. During most of the discussion I pretty much zoned out. I tried to pay attention, but most of it consisted of things I really could not follow. I have no idea how a radio station is run, so I suppose it was okay that I had no input. I was able to talk to a man sitting next to me who was also interested in having a radio drama on the station. He mentioned some kind of theater thing... I can't remember what it was... some kind of... reading theater. It's pretty much a live radio show, with no recording. It sounded interesting. I may have to attend and observe as I did with open mic poetry night. I followed along as best I could, but as I said, I had no input.

Phase 4. It was at this point where things made a turn for the worse. After sitting like a deer in headlights for a couple hours my emotions were running high. I wasn't really doing anything, and yet I was having lots of trouble with not screaming. Those who required training were asked to head to the station. I am not a student at WSU, and am not familiar with the campus. I followed some people who I thought were heading in that direction, but were instead going to the student commons. I tried to wait for someone to show me where to go, but after a few minutes I was unable to remain in the building. I scurried off to a bench by the water and engaged in a very un-overlordly display of emotions. I formed a plan in my head regarding locating the station and decided to wait until I calmed down to begin my investigations. The girl I had been waiting for then found me, concerned that I had wandered off, as I am prone to doing, and then lead me to the station. She kept me distracted and focused, but then she, and the station manager, began giving me tips on overcoming nervousness.

I did like the the expression the manager used; something along the line of, "Nervousness is just morbid excitement." but it's funny how someone trying to be helpful can also be insulting though. It is strange how angry I get when people try to help me cope with my anxiety. I feel misunderstood, like they really don't know what's going on with me. It's just something to be observant of. I'm trying to pay attention to what things affect me in what ways and how (That makes sense, right?) There was nothing to be offended about, and yet I was. It's just odd. It's like they were treating it like it wasn't a big deal. But then, why is it I make such a big deal about my anxiety? I thought about this more later. "I am not under attack. My life is not being threatened. Yet I am completely and utterly terrified."

The training was simple enough, though I can't remember how to run the Simian. Everything else I'm pretty sure I remember, but I can't remember how to operate the computer where all the music and play lists are stored. That's kind of a big deal in radio. It was then the manager remembered some kind of appointment she had and left the girl and I to keep things going in her absence.

Phase 5. I should never under any circumstance make a phone call when I'm agitated. Never! It's one thing to call someone because I'm freaked out, but I must have a certain amount of composure so that I may properly communicate. Communication is my biggest challenge. Even when I am able to talk and explain things I am rarely understood. Awareness of my faults is key. If I know there is a problem then I may be able to find a solution. Maybe next time things will go better. In this case I called to say that I was gonna be on the radio. I was so freaked out and hurried that I didn't explain how to listen to the station (which can be streamed at www.kougradio.com) and that I didn't actually need anything, I was just calling to relay information.

So when it all began, I sat and watched. This was easy enough. During the music the girl asked me to tell her something about myself. I will not enjoy job interviews, if ever I am given the opportunity to actually engage in one. I must come up with a response to this query. It is absolutely vital in regards to all social engagements that I am able to talk about myself. When I get started talking about things I am passionate about, I can't shut up. When I am given a broad topic though, such as myself, then I am at a complete loss. Then she asked me questions I really don't like answering because they greatly reduce my self-esteem. "Do you work?" "Do you go to school?" "Why don't you go to school?" "Do you drive?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Have you ever had a girlfriend?" I'm glad "Have you ever considered killing yourself?" didn't come up. That's always an awkward question in an interview... and one I will be sure to ask when interviewing prospective henchmen. I couldn't even answer what I do for fun. That's such an easy question! I have no obligations, so everything I do is something I do for fun! I read, I write, I play video games, I study comic books, I doodle, I take pictures of my stuffed animals in public... but none of this came to mind. I was still trapped in the headlights. She even asked me if I had ever gotten drunk. I explained that I had no intention of ever drinking. I am something of a control freak, but I understand that there is absolutely nothing in this world that is under my control. The only thing I can at least try to maintain is my perception of reality, and even that will be lost to me some day.

Eventually my courage came back. Now, this is an important thing for me to remember. This is a fundamental part of who I am, and how I interact with the world around me: I cannot multi task.
I. Can. Not.
I can search for music to play. I can provide useless banter between songs. I can not do both at once. When I have a play list ready to go and all I have to do is flip the mic on and off, and flip the source on and off, then I will be at ease. I know this. Since I could not, I did not, and I failed. After that stammering embarrassment I had to leave. It's a good thing that when I do my show it will be pre-recorded, and won't involve DJing.

Phase 6. There was much screaming and crying at the bus stop. There was also some physical abuse to inanimate objects and I would like to take the time to apologize to that poor trash can. You did not deserve such treatment. I paced and sang and talked out loud. The more I talk the less I think, and the less I think the better I feel... so... eat beans for every meal? I decided to reward my efforts by going to WalMart and playing the XBox 360 demo of Sonic Unleashed. I can easily go on for another few paragraphs about my opinion of that game, but now is not the time. Then I walked home.

I'm completely exhausted. I couldn't maintain my focus long enough to tell Mom about what happened today. I also knew if I tried that I would completely lose it. Every few minutes I remember something about the day and start freaking out, but I'm able to calm myself down. It may take a few days to recover. I don't know whether to classify today as a success or a failure. I did many things today that I certainly would not have done a year ago, or even a few months ago. I was able to stick with something... virtually all the way through. I said "Yes" when I could easily have said "No" and spared myself the pain, and experience. I feel like crap, and probably shortened my lifespan a little more from all the stress, but any battle you can walk away from is a victory... and here I am.

Maybe today was a good day after all.

Accomplishment: ANIMATION!

At long last my animation project, "What Are You Waiting For?" has been completed! Rejoice in the glory of Lord Veltha!

Okay... maybe it's not... technically... done yet, but it is virtually done. Even as we speak my computer is in the midst of the ever important rendering process, which seems to take about two hours for every minute of film. I must also find a way to get a copy to my producer for approval and organize a premiere party at the lair. Oh, the partying that shall ensue.

Three years ago I graduated from High School. After a brief college enrollment where I learned that really wide rolling backpacks are incredibly ill-designed, how to insert headers in Microsoft Word, how to grow efficiantly despise vector imaging programs (I made my fancy logo in college as a school project dealing with advertising. While other students were promoting products and bands I was developing my image as an evil overlord. Yes, I am awesome.), and that Portland is a horrible horrible place to go to school when you have to bus everywhere, I began working on a project entitled "Ninja Among Us" (a public service announcement that explained the encroaching ninja threat and how to defend yourself. This was back when the Ninja VS Pirates craze was at its peak.) Not long into that I was approached by my animation pimp who got an email from a friend who got an email from a friend about a guy from New York who was looking for a stick figure animator to... animate stick figures... and insert them into one of his old films. I was given the job and I've been working on it almost ever since.

This thing has been taking forever! When I started out I alternated days similar to how my High School schedule was organized. Monday and Wednesday I would write comics, Tuesday and Thursday I would animate, and Friday I would work on my novel. This continued on for a year or so. I was fortunate enough to be allowed sanction in my neighbor's house. They allowed me to use one of their spare rooms to set up my stuff. While I was thankful for this opportunity to have my own little studio, that was really the only place I went. Back and forth through the neighborhood every day. I had nowhere else to go and nobody to talk to. The isolation took its toll. When I finished drawing I was so terrified of the project that I refused to resume work on it. Even when I was allowed to use the animation equipment at my former High School there were several times I wanted to quit. I was watching my work in motion for the first time and did not like seeing how all those months of emotional labor amounted to total crap. Most of my fear stemmed from the knowledge that I would have to go back and re-animate certain scenes, and I had associated many horrible emotions with that activity. It wasn't until I began editing against the original film that I felt things were coming together. I did go back to the drawing board, as they say, and for the first two days it was okay and I laughed at my fears of becoming lost to extreme negativity. By the third day I had no patience for anything and had to keep myself from biting people's faces off.

But it's totally okay now! Now I am done. Now I am driven to ensure that such an experience never befalls me again. I have friends, I have goals, I have passions. I am pushing myself harder than I've ever thought possible to overcome my anxiety and break the cycle of despair. Global domination is at hand! With this animation completed I can focus on other projects what will hopefully allow for collaboration with others. I can start writing again! I would like to focus on my novel, but I am most interested in collaborating with people to produce comic books and short live action films. Tomorrow I get to attend a meeting at the radio station and discuss radio matters... with actual people!

I think most of the meeting will pertain to organizational matters, but I will be introduced to people who are interested in producing a radio drama. I've already emailed the new station manager a couple proposals that I think should be fairly easy to work on. When we find our stride we can pursue stories with more... I dunno... "scope." I'm interested in hearing other ideas. I would be more than happy to do grunt work at the station and provide voice talent. This is a great opportunity for shameless self-promotion since one of the goals of the studio is to make Vancouver more awesome by uniting artists. The station itself is volunteer work, but it is fun volunteer work! This is what I want to do. I may not be the most organized person, but I am committed.

When the animation is, for all intents and purposes, DONE, I must find a way to post it here. I don't want to bother with film festivals. I really don't. If Mr. Guy-In-New-York wants to do that stuff then great. It would be nice to see something done with all of this work, but I am more than happy to see it go away. I must work to accomplish my next mission, whatever that may be.

Pathos and Good Will.

Dilemma! Lord Veltha VS Radio Station Part 2

At the risk of sounding repetitive...

CRAP!
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
CRAAAAAAP!

I... was not expecting this.

As followers of my blog may remember reading in "Lord Veltha's Quest Log: Episode 3: 'What's Cooking'" (now available on DVD and BluRay. Hassle NetFlix about not carrying it and see what kind of response you get.) I had a plot brewing regarding a job at a college radio station. After a month of no response I gathered my guts and persistence up and sent them as an attached ZIP file to the station earlier in the week. Just letting them know I was still interested, and that I'm by far the most awesome person they could ever hope to meet (It was a large ZIP file. Even compressed!) I wasn't expecting to get a reply, let alone an amazingly positive one!

They would like to know my availability so they can get me in for training. That's easy enough. It's the fact that they want me to write up a proposal for a radio drama, and would like to know if I would like a one-hour or more time slot. I just wanted to talk about doing one! I didn't want to actually come up with it! Well, I did... and had an idea that I thought was the greatest thing in the world...but now I'm nervous. My writing is rather... niche... sword 'n' sorcery fantasy stuff... sci-fi super hero BS. It's meant to be satirical, as the best way for me to express my love of something is to make fun of it (Paradise Lost is HILARIOUS!) and I'm guessing the audience will appreciate the joke... but... ARG!

I don't know what to be more freaked out about! (Not that I'm freaking out. It's just a figure of speech. As the overlord it is bellow me to express such exaggerated emotions.) I have ideas for things, sure, but I don't know how to write a proposal. I'm terrible at explaining things (Which is ironic, given my leadership status as evil leader of demonic minions.) I have to write up several, 'cause who knows what's going to get turned down?

AND AN HOUR! They need to fill up an hour or more of airtime. See, this is why I need minions! I need underlings to assist me in these endeavors. Alone I am no match for the threats of the world. Back when I thought I was getting a DJ position this was no concern. I can talk with great enthusiasm about things absolutely nobody cares about. That's my greatest skill! Plus if I ran out of things to rant/rave about I could cut to music. This... this is different.

If I was just coming in to act, as I will likely end up doing, then whatever. I could come in and hang out, play for a bit, and head home satisfied. This... I don't know what to think.

FOCUS! This is why I'm the overlord! This is not a dilemma! That would suggest there were two possible outcomes, and that neither was any fun. This is either a problem (something we don't like and can potentially fix), or a puzzle (Something that has guaranteed us there's an answer, and it's our job to find it.) From a "What could possibly go wrong?" standpoint... nothing. That is, if we send a proposal they may not like it and that's that. Big deal. We can still show off our voice talent and get a job when someone comes up with an idea they DO like. Less pressure on us, we have an opportunity to do what we love, and we can learn from people who may actually know what they're doing so when the time comes we can run our own show. Probably THE worst outcome is that I don't get to write or act and I'm exactly where I was before I contacted them. That just means I've got to find something else to do, and I think I may have another opportunity lined up (HOPE!)

The plan then is to write up a proposal. This becomes first priority. We can write several, just to give them more shiny things to look at. Then... we'll worry about what to do afterwards. One thing at a time.

I still need to finish my animation. It is so close to completion! I don't want to keep the station waiting... but I need to work on it!

Meh... It's not easy being evil.

Accomplishment: Lord Veltha VS Karaoke

Crap

CRAP!

Holy mother of the all-knowing ever loving feces boutique of the cosmos!

My stomach hurts. I'm not sure if it's nerves or the pizza and chocolate chip cookie (Pizza... and A chocolate chip cookie. Not a pizza flavored dessert with chocolate chips, I'm sorry to say.) I've had pizza several times recently, but I usually don't ingest sugar because it gives me an adverse reaction. I'm not sure if this is from eating one cookie though. It seems like one of those "big picture" intestinal distresses.

I need to lie down.

I went to karaoke. Second time in a bar, second time drinking only water (I swear, but who knows what they put in it?) and first time getting up and singing in front of a small group of staggering, swearing, strangers. The first thing to come to my attention was the dim lighting. I suppose it's bad enough hearing people sing. Who would want to look at them? It must be a measure to prevent embarrassment. I would have thought the alcohol was enough, but perhaps they get sober smart-asses like me in there that are only present to take advantage of the wonderful mono sound system.

Once I started flipping through the song books I was pleasantly surprised to find songs I actually know. There's quite a selection in there. Everything from TV Themes (Brady Bunch, Spider-Man, Etc) to musicals (Rocky Horror, West Side Story, Etc.) The book that lists songs by title appears to be twice as thick as the volume that lists songs by artist, but why not? It's their bar. Who am I to judge? Maybe when I take over the world I'll have them update their song binders. I started filling out cards each time I came to a song I knew, more to keep track of things than to compile a set list, but I ended up singing three songs. I left before the fourth came up due to the aforementioned stomach issues. I have heard cliched descriptions regarding the knocking together of knees, but until last night it had never happened to me. I'm a fan of verticality when before people. Plus I am allergic to pain, and falling down would have made me break out in a big purple rash. Terribly embarrassing. In all, I really do think that perhaps it was nerves that unsettled me.

The first song I sang was Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash. Everyone else was singing country, and I hate to stand out in an unfamiliar environment... right away. From then on I was addressed by the nickname "Sue," and if anyone happens to recognize me I will likely continue to be. I'll probably be remembered since I'm possibly the first person under the age of menopause to take the stage in quite some time.

Second came Falling For the First Time by Barenaked Ladies, and as usual I sung it too high. I break out of key at the end of each verse. This is nothing to worry about as karaoke is traditionally sung out of key until the chorus, if that. That's the great thing about karaoke: there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to singing; just being there in the first place.

Third was my personal favorite. I had planned to sing it at the Senior Showcase back in high school, and despite my inability to attend I learned it and learned it well. I dare say a woman was moved to tears by my powerful performance of One More Minute by Weird Al Yankovic. I had planned on leaving after that because my stomach was acting up, and while vomiting in a bar may be common it is not something I feel someone of my overlordly stature should indulge in. I was talked into doing one more, and signed up to do Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer (Seriously! It was right there! I almost cried when I saw it.) but was called away by nagging pain and the threat of violently retching. I did much better once I arrived back home. Powdery pink pills and hot baths help a lot.

Today was also garage sale day. I firmly believe my chalk drawing advertisements boosted sales. I should add that to my resume for when I apply for more jobs. I must obtain a job so that I my finance my Velthan Battle Cruiser, or whatever title I decide to give my vehicle in the spur of the moment.

For now... whatever.

Pathos and good will.

Lord Veltha VS Online Job Application

Most evil overlords are blessed with nearly limitless amounts of funding for their diabolical schemes. Some seem to be able to construct enormous space stations out of thin air every six or seven months (I'm looking at you, Dr. Eggman. By the way: Worst overlord name EVER. Should have stuck with Robotnik.) I on the other hand have not discovered the website where you can apply for evil grants and must fund my empire by getting a... a...

*cough*

A uh... job... I guess...

Not only will finding a job allow me to finance my insidious plot, but it will also fill me with the rage of the common people and fuel my resolve to conquer the world. After all, the overlord is a public servant like any other. Some villains lose sight of that. If I can better understand the plight of the common man, then I can better understand how to make the world a better place. And you all better be grateful! So says Lord Veltha. Plus, having a job comes with the added bonus of garnering respect from people I don't care about. Some people have it in their head that others aren't worth their time unless the have a job, a car, and a place of their own. Only then do they take the time to meet you. Naturally, everyone who meets me thinks I'm the greatest (Please don't confuse optimism with egotism.) I'm more likely to be friends with people who judge me only on merit, but it's harder to get out and meet friends without a job or a car. When I take over the world...

So far I have only made it to the first stage of job acquisition: applications. I've applied to a handful of locations and seek to find more that can possibly accommodate my magnificence. One such location uses the internet in lieu of killing trees (I'm telling you man: hemp! Way of the future.) and so far has the most interesting self-indulgent "Facebook Quiz" like questionnaire.

"Are you now, or have you ever been known by any other name, or have you changed your name (first or last)?"
Every time I come across this question I am always tempted to list Lord Veltha as my alias. (For your information, "Lord Veltha" was not my given name, nor have I legally changed it to such. I feel your disappointment.) For that matter, whenever I am asked for information regarding previous employment I am driven to list the company as "The Velthan Empire" and my position as "Overlord." While I see this as evidence of over qualification for any position I would care to apply for (CEO of a major corporation, video game director/producer, sandwich artist, etc.) there are some (read: all prospective employers) who would not take me seriously. They of course will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. For now I must play their little bureaucratic mind games.

"Are you applying for a job in West Virginia?"
This could just be me. Perhaps it doesn't bother anyone else. It's not that big of a deal, really, and it's probably too much trouble to do this, but I would think that if someone lists their home address and the store location they wish to apply for as being somewhere in the... oh, I don't know... the Pacific North West for example, that this question should not be present on the application. I understand it's difficult to program little details like that and it's easier to just have the computer ask you ridiculous questions, but, you know... anyway...

Oh, I got a kick out of this next one.

"Do you believe it is okay to take small things from your employer without paying for them, such as soda or candy?"
Only if my employer is Bill Gates. He has a swimming pool filled with glazed donuts. He's not going to miss one puny little Mars Bar.
No I do not bloody well think it is okay to steal anything from anyone! Look at that. You made be swear a soddy British cuss. Blimey! To think that anyone would actually answer "yes" to this question fills me with enough rage to curb-stomp kittens. You don't even need a curb to crush kittens, but I'm willing to go outside and take my time because I could use some fresh air as I violently mutilate adorable mammals.
"My Lord, is that a whisker on your boot?"
"Silence, peasant!"
"Yes, My Lord!"

"Can you perform the essential functions of this job or the jobs for which you are applying with or without reasonable accommodations?"
What would constitute as an unreasonable accommodation? So long as I can use a mind control device to manipulate the essences of my co-workers' human nature I'm set to go. Double plus if I can use it on customers. Once I do, then who's to say what is reasonable or otherwise? Sooo... yes. Yes I can.

"Do you like to play video games?"
Does a beleonephobe scream when you push them into a tub of syringes?

"Are you applying for a job in California?"
Does the pope shit in the woods?

"The following are statements about many attitudes and experiences. Read each statement and select the answer that best describes you. Work quickly - choose the answer that comes to mind first."
Alright! This is why I'm here. By here, I mean blogging about these wonderful job applications. Now, I already have a contract written up for anyone who wishes to officially join my evil organization. I wrote it back in high school when I was but a wee menace to society. I don't actually have an application yet, since I judge a person in person rather than on paper, but if I did have an application it would most certainly feature some of these statements. They're multiple choice, and the answers are always "Strongly disagree," "disagree," "agree," "strongly agree."

You would rather not get involved in other people's problems

You say whatever is on your mind (My mouth could never keep up)

You get angry more often than nervous (Catch-22. Angry or nervous? You can't win either way.)

There are some people you really can't stand (And if they're customers I will treat them with respect.)

People do a lot of things that make you angry (Well, not a LOT of things...)

Right now, you care more about having fun than being serious at school or work (Only 'cause I don't have school or work. I'm an artist, and expressing myself is fun.)

It bothers you a long time when someone is unfair to you (I will never forgive that barber for shortchanging me.)

You agree with people more than you argue (How do you answer this without sounding like a pushover or a jerk? I wish they would word it differently, but I guess that's the point of this process.)

When people make mistakes, you correct them

You swear when you argue (No, just when I'm really enthusiastic.)

People who talk all the time are annoying (Depends on what they're talking about and whether or not their voice sounds like dying rabbits attacking a chalkboard.)

There's no use having close friends; they always let you down (<-- Funniest statement on this list. How horrible!)

It bothers you when you have to obey a lot of rules (Oh please... I'm the overlord.)

You have no big worries (Just zombies, but what are the chances of... what's that at my window?)

You love to listen to people talk about themselves (Only if they're awesome.)

Many people cannot be trusted (Only vampires.)

You do some things that upset people (Doesn't everyone? Nobody's perfect. Careful not to sound like a lier answering this.)

You have no big regrets about your past (What if you say yes, and people think "Oh, they must've done something pretty screwed up," when really you just wish you had come to someone's defense when they needed it and your life has hereafter been filled with angst?)

It's fun to go out to events with big crowds

Your stuff is often kind of messy

You'd rather not compete very much

You do not fake being polite (I don't think I could. I just am.)

You don't care if you offend people (Of course I care... but it doesn't seem to stop me from pissing certain people off.)

You are not interested in your friends' problems (Then why would they be your friends? Horrible question.)

You always try not to hurt people's feelings

You are a fairly private person (Nothin' wrong with that.)

When you are annoyed with something, you say so (Nothin' wrong with that either, unless you answered "Strongly Disagree" to the one about hurting people's feelings.)

Your friends and family approve of the things you do (If you're doing things right only your friends will. I seem to have everyone's support. Darn me for being great.)

You have to give up on some things that you start

You avoid arguments as much as possible

People do a lot of annoying things (Like breathe)

It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free (Someone must bring villains to justice. Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I shall strike fear into their hearts. I shall become a man clad in spandex!)

You can wait patiently for a long time (Define: patiently... and make it quick.)

You are unsure of what to say when you meet someone (I'm unsure if it's the right thing to say, but I can usually say something.)

You like to take frequent breaks when working on something difficult (Pacing is important.)

You look back and feel bad about things you've done (I should not have stomped on that cat. It's stuck in the tread of my boot and nothing will get it out.)

You ignore people you don't like (The people I don't like are nearly impossible to ignore. That's part of why I don't like them.)

You don't believe a lot of what people say (I'm incredibly gullible.)

You keep calm when under stress

You don't act polite when you don't want to

You ignore people's small mistakes

You keep your feelings to yourself

When your friends need help, they call you first (No, but that may be more to do with them not having my phone number or living in another state.)

You don't care what people think of you (Again, how do you answer this?)

When you go someplace, you are never late (NEVER)

You get mad at yourself when you make mistakes (And fall on my sword in atonement.)

You make more sensible choices than careless ones (I'm trying my best to make more careless choices.)

You are unsure of yourself with new people

You give direct criticism when you need to

You are careful not to offend people

You could describe yourself as 'tidy' (I describe myself using nouns and adverbs, and I make sure to do so in the third person.)

You like to be alone

When someone treats you badly, you ignore it

You chat with people you don't know

Other people's feelings are their own business (If they want it that way. I look at every question as an individual. I forget the employer will compare my answers to other questions. Hopefully if I say "No" they'll be able to tell by the others that I'm not nosy, I just care.)

Slow-moving people make you impatient (On freeways)

You would rather work on a team than by yourself (Emphasis on "team." I thoroughly despise working in "groups." I'm not sure I've ever had a team before. I'd like one.)

It is easy for you to feel what others are feeling

People are often mean to you (You might sound pessimistic if you agree with this, but what if it's the truth? Some people are naturally born punching bags.)

You do not like small talk (It's hard to have deep meaningful conversations at bus stops, and Jehovah's Witnesses are pretty single-minded and don't like discussing Greek Mythology... so...)

You've done your share of troublemaking (Um... evil overlord?)

Any trouble you have is your own fault

You do what you want, no matter what others think (Artist... who's just now getting around to finding a "real" job.)

It is hard to really care about work when the job is boring (I may not "care" per say, but sometimes tedious menial tasks are okay. I'm an animator. Tedious menial tasks are my life.)

You have friends, but don't like them to be too close (Sad day. These questions are so depressing.)

You criticize people when they deserve it

You sometimes thought seriously about quitting high school

You do not like to meet new people

You are not afraid to tell someone off

You don't work too hard because it doesn't pay off anyway (I'm trying to conquer the world. Where's the pay off in ruling over humanity?)

You do things carefully so you don't make mistakes

You could not deal with difficult people all day

You do not like to take orders

People's feelings are sometimes hurt by what you say (People are insulted by Porky Pig's stuttering.)

You are somewhat of a thrill-seeker (I went into a comic book store on free comic book day! What a rush!)

There're about 125 total, and these are a few of my favorites. I really hope they weren't timing my responses as I copied and pasted them here. Some of these questions just made me burst into laughter, especially the ones about how having friends aren't worth it, and such forth. So horrible! I guess it gets right to the point. I would definitely like to use a questionnaire like that for recruiting henchmen. I would also like a Sasuke/Ninja Warrior obstacle course.

All hail Lord Veltha!

(I'm afraid I'm getting far too in character with this blog. I better cool it for the next one.)

Lord Veltha's First First Friday

The soon to be infamous Lord Veltha has had a grand and eventful day indeed. And what do we do afterwards? Why, we come home and blog about it for the benefit of all those poor souls who were unable to experience our uber keenness first hand! (Where is the umlaut button on the keyboard? When I take over the world...)

First and foremost, we got out of the house and had a great conversation about things we are most passionate about... which amounts to mostly nonsense from an outside observer's perspective. I enjoy conversations with people who understand the great things about the fictional world. I like sticking to what makes sense to me. I'm uncomfortable when I feel stupid, and as an overlord it is imperative that I maintain an air of superiority. I am, as the hip kids say, "All that and a bag of chips." (When is the last time you've ever heard anyone say that? Where does crap like that come from, and more importantly where does it go? I'm sure there's a huge refuse repository devoted to defunct slang and expressions. It's probably on the internet where the rest of the trash goes (present blog excluded... and all the blogs I'm following 'cause you're all cool too, I promise.)) I think there are more promising adventures to be had on the horizon, and I am certainly looking forward to them.

I also had a conversation later about the wonders of hemp. When I take over the world I will find a way for it to be legalized. There's so much it's good for. Ethanol fuel, clothing, construction materials; and it grows like a friggin' weed, unlike trees, which grow like... trees. Besides, people don't really need and excuse to be lazy and hungry all the time as it is, so I see no harm. There was some other political banter that I have completely forgotten, and I apologize for that. I don't relate to "reality" and "important issues" as much as someone who corporeally belongs to the physical universe should. That's why I will hire people to care for me. I'm usually good at listening and either agreeing or disagreeing with what people say, but I can never for the life of me remember what we were talking about or why I agreed/disagreed in the first place. I'd make a great politician.

I also went to pretty much the best toy store ever. I want to work at Kazoodles. Since they're full up at the moment I may have to check back in after the summer when college kids go back to school. I'm so enthusiastic about their products though that I would be perfect. I love that they're trusting enough that they will allow me to ride around on one of their little wiggly scooter things... whatever they're called. They're wiggle powered! Granted, it takes more effort to power that than walking at half-speed, but that's probably because they didn't have the special attachment that allows my knees to not be in my ears. Steering will take experience.

I have also discovered that the first Friday of every month, starting this very day, is the First Friday Art Walk. Walking and art are two of my favorite things, and they have found a way to combine the two using some secret alchemical bonding process. It was also here that I used my influence as an overlord to assist in aiding a talented young singer in getting over her stage fright. I probably wasn't necessary. She had all the support in the world from her accompaniment. It was definitely something to see. Other unique attractions included witnessing my very first duprass (I may have seen several in my life time, but only now do I know the word for it. Knowing something exists makes it much easier to recognize.) and what may or may not have been a doppelganger. I have heard reports of someone toting my impressive visage, but I have been fortunate enough to have never laid eyes on my shadow-self. I've also never mistaken someone for someone else either. Then again, I'm usually too embarrassed to ask. Ha! I am embarrassed no more! Lord Veltha has complete confidence in himself (unless I'm around people who are taller, smarter, or prettier than I. Certain smartness and prettiness I can handle, but some is too much to bare. Tall people are pretty much universally uncomfortable to be around since I'm not used to having to look up at people... or even be eye level. Teachers and authority figures are an exception.)

So... that's it. It was actually a much longer and more exciting day than it sounds.

Accomplishments

• Successfully completed arranged conversation.
• Successfully completed impromptu conversation
• Rode around on awesome stuff at a toy store
• Attended super keen art walk thing
• Purchased Mother's Day gift (which I mustn't forget about.)
• Encouraged awesome musicians
• Made a stupid list of things I think I maybe accomplished in a vain attempt to make life sound more impressive

So, there's that. I had intended to attend the Portland Saturday Market water front grand opening tomorrow, but it's supposed to rain. I will not go to Portland in the rain. It'll be hard enough trying to make my way to and through the city as it is. I will not be haunted by that wet dog smell. My past is best forgotten. *Mysterious Angst* Besides, tomorrow is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY! I'm gonna get me my very own copy of Mirage Studios Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1! It's so terrifically satirical of the comics from that period. Nothing like the campy (but still eerily wonderful) cartoon series from the 80's. Tomorrow is also the writer's mixer at Cover To Cover Books. They haven't updated their website, so I don't know what the topic will be this week. I know there's one coming up about writing compelling villains. I'm very interested in what they have to say.

I need a sandwich. I haven't eaten anything today save for a granola bar and some antacids.

Post Script: I have a hold on "How To Win Friends and Influence People" at the library, and it just came in. I should have picked it up and walked around reading it. What was I thinking?

Sexy New Table!

Check out this table man.

This elegant and stylishly designed table, complete with elegant and stylish chestnut finish, was imported to our local small town Walmart from the majestic country of Vietnam. Those people know how to build a sexy table.

Now this table is mine.

That's right. You heard it here. The infamous Lord Veltha is now the proud owner of a fancy brand-spankin' new table! All I need now is a home to store it in, a car to travel to that home, an income to afford a home and car, and a beautiful woman to sit at my fresh new table. I tell you though man, the bettys will be lining up to sit at my table man.

Check out these dimensions: 36x36x36. It's practically a cube! What skill and craftsmanship those Vietnamese possess! And check out those benches. There will be no poor posture at Lord Veltha's table. No sir. And at an easy to manage 76 lbs this table is practically portable.

I'd like to take the time to thank the minions responsible for the assembly of my table. I'm sorry to say that I was not much assistance in the construction due to the injury I sustained from arm wrestling a robot earlier in the week. It was also past my bedtime, and Lord Veltha grows a little testy when it's past his bedtime. I had intended to put it together myself the next day, but my henchman took on the challenge without batting an eye.
(Thanks, Dad.)

Now I will be able to write for extended periods of time without having to endure troubling back pains. This table is totally my height. It's horrible hunching over and having my knees higher than my hips. Here is the table I was previously situated at.

Not so great for scribing epic manuscripts, but it did come bundled with a sandbox so it wasn't a total loss. When I take over the world they will make plastic sandboxes shaped like my logo. Like those big green turtle sandboxes... only AWESOME!