Accomplishment? Lord Veltha VS KOUG Radio

Today was completely and utterly overwhelming. I'm really not sure what happened. My head isn't throbbing as much since I took those pain killers. This is the result of me trying to push past my limits. I need to stick to merely reaching my limit for a while. This pushing crap is too much. This is like playing Final Fantasy IX and saying, "Okay, I'm gonna fight a Grand Dragon, and then go heal, and then fight another one, since I will be near death after fighting the first." And then getting attacked by a second dragon before you have time to recover... and then you die. It's pretty much like that. To offer a less geeky description, my day pretty much went as depicted in this doodle I was working on in order to focus and maintain a hold on my ever receding sanity.

Phase 1: I got to the WSU conference room plenty early, like an hour or so before the meeting started. I had stumbled around most of the morning: reading magazines, playing video games, etc. I was impatient to get there, so right after my early lunch I procured a shuttle and traversed the cosmos to reach the college. There I found a "Free Speech" board and was tempted to post a message of my own, but decided against it. Now I wish I had gone through with it. Perhaps next time.

Phase 2: After the meeting began and everyone was handed a type of application and "How To" checklist the station manager pulled out her digital recorder and interviewed everyone in the room, asking what they wanted to do for the station and what they wanted the station to do for them. I think I may have mentioned this somewhere else, but when I am in a new environment around new people I do not function properly. My mind cannot fully process everything that is going on. There is a stimulation overload. I simply freeze and observe the situation, determining whether I should run away or bust heads. Complete reptilian brain mode. As has been described in many a scholarly journal: reptiles suck at interviews. It was amazing. It sounded like everyone was reading from a script. Everyone knew exactly what they wanted. I began asking myself why I was there and by the time the microphone came before my face I had completely forgotten about my plans for a radio theater production. I managed to mention something about global domination, and that was that.

Phase 3. During most of the discussion I pretty much zoned out. I tried to pay attention, but most of it consisted of things I really could not follow. I have no idea how a radio station is run, so I suppose it was okay that I had no input. I was able to talk to a man sitting next to me who was also interested in having a radio drama on the station. He mentioned some kind of theater thing... I can't remember what it was... some kind of... reading theater. It's pretty much a live radio show, with no recording. It sounded interesting. I may have to attend and observe as I did with open mic poetry night. I followed along as best I could, but as I said, I had no input.

Phase 4. It was at this point where things made a turn for the worse. After sitting like a deer in headlights for a couple hours my emotions were running high. I wasn't really doing anything, and yet I was having lots of trouble with not screaming. Those who required training were asked to head to the station. I am not a student at WSU, and am not familiar with the campus. I followed some people who I thought were heading in that direction, but were instead going to the student commons. I tried to wait for someone to show me where to go, but after a few minutes I was unable to remain in the building. I scurried off to a bench by the water and engaged in a very un-overlordly display of emotions. I formed a plan in my head regarding locating the station and decided to wait until I calmed down to begin my investigations. The girl I had been waiting for then found me, concerned that I had wandered off, as I am prone to doing, and then lead me to the station. She kept me distracted and focused, but then she, and the station manager, began giving me tips on overcoming nervousness.

I did like the the expression the manager used; something along the line of, "Nervousness is just morbid excitement." but it's funny how someone trying to be helpful can also be insulting though. It is strange how angry I get when people try to help me cope with my anxiety. I feel misunderstood, like they really don't know what's going on with me. It's just something to be observant of. I'm trying to pay attention to what things affect me in what ways and how (That makes sense, right?) There was nothing to be offended about, and yet I was. It's just odd. It's like they were treating it like it wasn't a big deal. But then, why is it I make such a big deal about my anxiety? I thought about this more later. "I am not under attack. My life is not being threatened. Yet I am completely and utterly terrified."

The training was simple enough, though I can't remember how to run the Simian. Everything else I'm pretty sure I remember, but I can't remember how to operate the computer where all the music and play lists are stored. That's kind of a big deal in radio. It was then the manager remembered some kind of appointment she had and left the girl and I to keep things going in her absence.

Phase 5. I should never under any circumstance make a phone call when I'm agitated. Never! It's one thing to call someone because I'm freaked out, but I must have a certain amount of composure so that I may properly communicate. Communication is my biggest challenge. Even when I am able to talk and explain things I am rarely understood. Awareness of my faults is key. If I know there is a problem then I may be able to find a solution. Maybe next time things will go better. In this case I called to say that I was gonna be on the radio. I was so freaked out and hurried that I didn't explain how to listen to the station (which can be streamed at www.kougradio.com) and that I didn't actually need anything, I was just calling to relay information.

So when it all began, I sat and watched. This was easy enough. During the music the girl asked me to tell her something about myself. I will not enjoy job interviews, if ever I am given the opportunity to actually engage in one. I must come up with a response to this query. It is absolutely vital in regards to all social engagements that I am able to talk about myself. When I get started talking about things I am passionate about, I can't shut up. When I am given a broad topic though, such as myself, then I am at a complete loss. Then she asked me questions I really don't like answering because they greatly reduce my self-esteem. "Do you work?" "Do you go to school?" "Why don't you go to school?" "Do you drive?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Have you ever had a girlfriend?" I'm glad "Have you ever considered killing yourself?" didn't come up. That's always an awkward question in an interview... and one I will be sure to ask when interviewing prospective henchmen. I couldn't even answer what I do for fun. That's such an easy question! I have no obligations, so everything I do is something I do for fun! I read, I write, I play video games, I study comic books, I doodle, I take pictures of my stuffed animals in public... but none of this came to mind. I was still trapped in the headlights. She even asked me if I had ever gotten drunk. I explained that I had no intention of ever drinking. I am something of a control freak, but I understand that there is absolutely nothing in this world that is under my control. The only thing I can at least try to maintain is my perception of reality, and even that will be lost to me some day.

Eventually my courage came back. Now, this is an important thing for me to remember. This is a fundamental part of who I am, and how I interact with the world around me: I cannot multi task.
I. Can. Not.
I can search for music to play. I can provide useless banter between songs. I can not do both at once. When I have a play list ready to go and all I have to do is flip the mic on and off, and flip the source on and off, then I will be at ease. I know this. Since I could not, I did not, and I failed. After that stammering embarrassment I had to leave. It's a good thing that when I do my show it will be pre-recorded, and won't involve DJing.

Phase 6. There was much screaming and crying at the bus stop. There was also some physical abuse to inanimate objects and I would like to take the time to apologize to that poor trash can. You did not deserve such treatment. I paced and sang and talked out loud. The more I talk the less I think, and the less I think the better I feel... so... eat beans for every meal? I decided to reward my efforts by going to WalMart and playing the XBox 360 demo of Sonic Unleashed. I can easily go on for another few paragraphs about my opinion of that game, but now is not the time. Then I walked home.

I'm completely exhausted. I couldn't maintain my focus long enough to tell Mom about what happened today. I also knew if I tried that I would completely lose it. Every few minutes I remember something about the day and start freaking out, but I'm able to calm myself down. It may take a few days to recover. I don't know whether to classify today as a success or a failure. I did many things today that I certainly would not have done a year ago, or even a few months ago. I was able to stick with something... virtually all the way through. I said "Yes" when I could easily have said "No" and spared myself the pain, and experience. I feel like crap, and probably shortened my lifespan a little more from all the stress, but any battle you can walk away from is a victory... and here I am.

Maybe today was a good day after all.

Accomplishment: ANIMATION!

At long last my animation project, "What Are You Waiting For?" has been completed! Rejoice in the glory of Lord Veltha!

Okay... maybe it's not... technically... done yet, but it is virtually done. Even as we speak my computer is in the midst of the ever important rendering process, which seems to take about two hours for every minute of film. I must also find a way to get a copy to my producer for approval and organize a premiere party at the lair. Oh, the partying that shall ensue.

Three years ago I graduated from High School. After a brief college enrollment where I learned that really wide rolling backpacks are incredibly ill-designed, how to insert headers in Microsoft Word, how to grow efficiantly despise vector imaging programs (I made my fancy logo in college as a school project dealing with advertising. While other students were promoting products and bands I was developing my image as an evil overlord. Yes, I am awesome.), and that Portland is a horrible horrible place to go to school when you have to bus everywhere, I began working on a project entitled "Ninja Among Us" (a public service announcement that explained the encroaching ninja threat and how to defend yourself. This was back when the Ninja VS Pirates craze was at its peak.) Not long into that I was approached by my animation pimp who got an email from a friend who got an email from a friend about a guy from New York who was looking for a stick figure animator to... animate stick figures... and insert them into one of his old films. I was given the job and I've been working on it almost ever since.

This thing has been taking forever! When I started out I alternated days similar to how my High School schedule was organized. Monday and Wednesday I would write comics, Tuesday and Thursday I would animate, and Friday I would work on my novel. This continued on for a year or so. I was fortunate enough to be allowed sanction in my neighbor's house. They allowed me to use one of their spare rooms to set up my stuff. While I was thankful for this opportunity to have my own little studio, that was really the only place I went. Back and forth through the neighborhood every day. I had nowhere else to go and nobody to talk to. The isolation took its toll. When I finished drawing I was so terrified of the project that I refused to resume work on it. Even when I was allowed to use the animation equipment at my former High School there were several times I wanted to quit. I was watching my work in motion for the first time and did not like seeing how all those months of emotional labor amounted to total crap. Most of my fear stemmed from the knowledge that I would have to go back and re-animate certain scenes, and I had associated many horrible emotions with that activity. It wasn't until I began editing against the original film that I felt things were coming together. I did go back to the drawing board, as they say, and for the first two days it was okay and I laughed at my fears of becoming lost to extreme negativity. By the third day I had no patience for anything and had to keep myself from biting people's faces off.

But it's totally okay now! Now I am done. Now I am driven to ensure that such an experience never befalls me again. I have friends, I have goals, I have passions. I am pushing myself harder than I've ever thought possible to overcome my anxiety and break the cycle of despair. Global domination is at hand! With this animation completed I can focus on other projects what will hopefully allow for collaboration with others. I can start writing again! I would like to focus on my novel, but I am most interested in collaborating with people to produce comic books and short live action films. Tomorrow I get to attend a meeting at the radio station and discuss radio matters... with actual people!

I think most of the meeting will pertain to organizational matters, but I will be introduced to people who are interested in producing a radio drama. I've already emailed the new station manager a couple proposals that I think should be fairly easy to work on. When we find our stride we can pursue stories with more... I dunno... "scope." I'm interested in hearing other ideas. I would be more than happy to do grunt work at the station and provide voice talent. This is a great opportunity for shameless self-promotion since one of the goals of the studio is to make Vancouver more awesome by uniting artists. The station itself is volunteer work, but it is fun volunteer work! This is what I want to do. I may not be the most organized person, but I am committed.

When the animation is, for all intents and purposes, DONE, I must find a way to post it here. I don't want to bother with film festivals. I really don't. If Mr. Guy-In-New-York wants to do that stuff then great. It would be nice to see something done with all of this work, but I am more than happy to see it go away. I must work to accomplish my next mission, whatever that may be.

Pathos and Good Will.

Dilemma! Lord Veltha VS Radio Station Part 2

At the risk of sounding repetitive...

CRAP!
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
CRAAAAAAP!

I... was not expecting this.

As followers of my blog may remember reading in "Lord Veltha's Quest Log: Episode 3: 'What's Cooking'" (now available on DVD and BluRay. Hassle NetFlix about not carrying it and see what kind of response you get.) I had a plot brewing regarding a job at a college radio station. After a month of no response I gathered my guts and persistence up and sent them as an attached ZIP file to the station earlier in the week. Just letting them know I was still interested, and that I'm by far the most awesome person they could ever hope to meet (It was a large ZIP file. Even compressed!) I wasn't expecting to get a reply, let alone an amazingly positive one!

They would like to know my availability so they can get me in for training. That's easy enough. It's the fact that they want me to write up a proposal for a radio drama, and would like to know if I would like a one-hour or more time slot. I just wanted to talk about doing one! I didn't want to actually come up with it! Well, I did... and had an idea that I thought was the greatest thing in the world...but now I'm nervous. My writing is rather... niche... sword 'n' sorcery fantasy stuff... sci-fi super hero BS. It's meant to be satirical, as the best way for me to express my love of something is to make fun of it (Paradise Lost is HILARIOUS!) and I'm guessing the audience will appreciate the joke... but... ARG!

I don't know what to be more freaked out about! (Not that I'm freaking out. It's just a figure of speech. As the overlord it is bellow me to express such exaggerated emotions.) I have ideas for things, sure, but I don't know how to write a proposal. I'm terrible at explaining things (Which is ironic, given my leadership status as evil leader of demonic minions.) I have to write up several, 'cause who knows what's going to get turned down?

AND AN HOUR! They need to fill up an hour or more of airtime. See, this is why I need minions! I need underlings to assist me in these endeavors. Alone I am no match for the threats of the world. Back when I thought I was getting a DJ position this was no concern. I can talk with great enthusiasm about things absolutely nobody cares about. That's my greatest skill! Plus if I ran out of things to rant/rave about I could cut to music. This... this is different.

If I was just coming in to act, as I will likely end up doing, then whatever. I could come in and hang out, play for a bit, and head home satisfied. This... I don't know what to think.

FOCUS! This is why I'm the overlord! This is not a dilemma! That would suggest there were two possible outcomes, and that neither was any fun. This is either a problem (something we don't like and can potentially fix), or a puzzle (Something that has guaranteed us there's an answer, and it's our job to find it.) From a "What could possibly go wrong?" standpoint... nothing. That is, if we send a proposal they may not like it and that's that. Big deal. We can still show off our voice talent and get a job when someone comes up with an idea they DO like. Less pressure on us, we have an opportunity to do what we love, and we can learn from people who may actually know what they're doing so when the time comes we can run our own show. Probably THE worst outcome is that I don't get to write or act and I'm exactly where I was before I contacted them. That just means I've got to find something else to do, and I think I may have another opportunity lined up (HOPE!)

The plan then is to write up a proposal. This becomes first priority. We can write several, just to give them more shiny things to look at. Then... we'll worry about what to do afterwards. One thing at a time.

I still need to finish my animation. It is so close to completion! I don't want to keep the station waiting... but I need to work on it!

Meh... It's not easy being evil.

Accomplishment: Lord Veltha VS Karaoke

Crap

CRAP!

Holy mother of the all-knowing ever loving feces boutique of the cosmos!

My stomach hurts. I'm not sure if it's nerves or the pizza and chocolate chip cookie (Pizza... and A chocolate chip cookie. Not a pizza flavored dessert with chocolate chips, I'm sorry to say.) I've had pizza several times recently, but I usually don't ingest sugar because it gives me an adverse reaction. I'm not sure if this is from eating one cookie though. It seems like one of those "big picture" intestinal distresses.

I need to lie down.

I went to karaoke. Second time in a bar, second time drinking only water (I swear, but who knows what they put in it?) and first time getting up and singing in front of a small group of staggering, swearing, strangers. The first thing to come to my attention was the dim lighting. I suppose it's bad enough hearing people sing. Who would want to look at them? It must be a measure to prevent embarrassment. I would have thought the alcohol was enough, but perhaps they get sober smart-asses like me in there that are only present to take advantage of the wonderful mono sound system.

Once I started flipping through the song books I was pleasantly surprised to find songs I actually know. There's quite a selection in there. Everything from TV Themes (Brady Bunch, Spider-Man, Etc) to musicals (Rocky Horror, West Side Story, Etc.) The book that lists songs by title appears to be twice as thick as the volume that lists songs by artist, but why not? It's their bar. Who am I to judge? Maybe when I take over the world I'll have them update their song binders. I started filling out cards each time I came to a song I knew, more to keep track of things than to compile a set list, but I ended up singing three songs. I left before the fourth came up due to the aforementioned stomach issues. I have heard cliched descriptions regarding the knocking together of knees, but until last night it had never happened to me. I'm a fan of verticality when before people. Plus I am allergic to pain, and falling down would have made me break out in a big purple rash. Terribly embarrassing. In all, I really do think that perhaps it was nerves that unsettled me.

The first song I sang was Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash. Everyone else was singing country, and I hate to stand out in an unfamiliar environment... right away. From then on I was addressed by the nickname "Sue," and if anyone happens to recognize me I will likely continue to be. I'll probably be remembered since I'm possibly the first person under the age of menopause to take the stage in quite some time.

Second came Falling For the First Time by Barenaked Ladies, and as usual I sung it too high. I break out of key at the end of each verse. This is nothing to worry about as karaoke is traditionally sung out of key until the chorus, if that. That's the great thing about karaoke: there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to singing; just being there in the first place.

Third was my personal favorite. I had planned to sing it at the Senior Showcase back in high school, and despite my inability to attend I learned it and learned it well. I dare say a woman was moved to tears by my powerful performance of One More Minute by Weird Al Yankovic. I had planned on leaving after that because my stomach was acting up, and while vomiting in a bar may be common it is not something I feel someone of my overlordly stature should indulge in. I was talked into doing one more, and signed up to do Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer (Seriously! It was right there! I almost cried when I saw it.) but was called away by nagging pain and the threat of violently retching. I did much better once I arrived back home. Powdery pink pills and hot baths help a lot.

Today was also garage sale day. I firmly believe my chalk drawing advertisements boosted sales. I should add that to my resume for when I apply for more jobs. I must obtain a job so that I my finance my Velthan Battle Cruiser, or whatever title I decide to give my vehicle in the spur of the moment.

For now... whatever.

Pathos and good will.

Lord Veltha VS Online Job Application

Most evil overlords are blessed with nearly limitless amounts of funding for their diabolical schemes. Some seem to be able to construct enormous space stations out of thin air every six or seven months (I'm looking at you, Dr. Eggman. By the way: Worst overlord name EVER. Should have stuck with Robotnik.) I on the other hand have not discovered the website where you can apply for evil grants and must fund my empire by getting a... a...

*cough*

A uh... job... I guess...

Not only will finding a job allow me to finance my insidious plot, but it will also fill me with the rage of the common people and fuel my resolve to conquer the world. After all, the overlord is a public servant like any other. Some villains lose sight of that. If I can better understand the plight of the common man, then I can better understand how to make the world a better place. And you all better be grateful! So says Lord Veltha. Plus, having a job comes with the added bonus of garnering respect from people I don't care about. Some people have it in their head that others aren't worth their time unless the have a job, a car, and a place of their own. Only then do they take the time to meet you. Naturally, everyone who meets me thinks I'm the greatest (Please don't confuse optimism with egotism.) I'm more likely to be friends with people who judge me only on merit, but it's harder to get out and meet friends without a job or a car. When I take over the world...

So far I have only made it to the first stage of job acquisition: applications. I've applied to a handful of locations and seek to find more that can possibly accommodate my magnificence. One such location uses the internet in lieu of killing trees (I'm telling you man: hemp! Way of the future.) and so far has the most interesting self-indulgent "Facebook Quiz" like questionnaire.

"Are you now, or have you ever been known by any other name, or have you changed your name (first or last)?"
Every time I come across this question I am always tempted to list Lord Veltha as my alias. (For your information, "Lord Veltha" was not my given name, nor have I legally changed it to such. I feel your disappointment.) For that matter, whenever I am asked for information regarding previous employment I am driven to list the company as "The Velthan Empire" and my position as "Overlord." While I see this as evidence of over qualification for any position I would care to apply for (CEO of a major corporation, video game director/producer, sandwich artist, etc.) there are some (read: all prospective employers) who would not take me seriously. They of course will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. For now I must play their little bureaucratic mind games.

"Are you applying for a job in West Virginia?"
This could just be me. Perhaps it doesn't bother anyone else. It's not that big of a deal, really, and it's probably too much trouble to do this, but I would think that if someone lists their home address and the store location they wish to apply for as being somewhere in the... oh, I don't know... the Pacific North West for example, that this question should not be present on the application. I understand it's difficult to program little details like that and it's easier to just have the computer ask you ridiculous questions, but, you know... anyway...

Oh, I got a kick out of this next one.

"Do you believe it is okay to take small things from your employer without paying for them, such as soda or candy?"
Only if my employer is Bill Gates. He has a swimming pool filled with glazed donuts. He's not going to miss one puny little Mars Bar.
No I do not bloody well think it is okay to steal anything from anyone! Look at that. You made be swear a soddy British cuss. Blimey! To think that anyone would actually answer "yes" to this question fills me with enough rage to curb-stomp kittens. You don't even need a curb to crush kittens, but I'm willing to go outside and take my time because I could use some fresh air as I violently mutilate adorable mammals.
"My Lord, is that a whisker on your boot?"
"Silence, peasant!"
"Yes, My Lord!"

"Can you perform the essential functions of this job or the jobs for which you are applying with or without reasonable accommodations?"
What would constitute as an unreasonable accommodation? So long as I can use a mind control device to manipulate the essences of my co-workers' human nature I'm set to go. Double plus if I can use it on customers. Once I do, then who's to say what is reasonable or otherwise? Sooo... yes. Yes I can.

"Do you like to play video games?"
Does a beleonephobe scream when you push them into a tub of syringes?

"Are you applying for a job in California?"
Does the pope shit in the woods?

"The following are statements about many attitudes and experiences. Read each statement and select the answer that best describes you. Work quickly - choose the answer that comes to mind first."
Alright! This is why I'm here. By here, I mean blogging about these wonderful job applications. Now, I already have a contract written up for anyone who wishes to officially join my evil organization. I wrote it back in high school when I was but a wee menace to society. I don't actually have an application yet, since I judge a person in person rather than on paper, but if I did have an application it would most certainly feature some of these statements. They're multiple choice, and the answers are always "Strongly disagree," "disagree," "agree," "strongly agree."

You would rather not get involved in other people's problems

You say whatever is on your mind (My mouth could never keep up)

You get angry more often than nervous (Catch-22. Angry or nervous? You can't win either way.)

There are some people you really can't stand (And if they're customers I will treat them with respect.)

People do a lot of things that make you angry (Well, not a LOT of things...)

Right now, you care more about having fun than being serious at school or work (Only 'cause I don't have school or work. I'm an artist, and expressing myself is fun.)

It bothers you a long time when someone is unfair to you (I will never forgive that barber for shortchanging me.)

You agree with people more than you argue (How do you answer this without sounding like a pushover or a jerk? I wish they would word it differently, but I guess that's the point of this process.)

When people make mistakes, you correct them

You swear when you argue (No, just when I'm really enthusiastic.)

People who talk all the time are annoying (Depends on what they're talking about and whether or not their voice sounds like dying rabbits attacking a chalkboard.)

There's no use having close friends; they always let you down (<-- Funniest statement on this list. How horrible!)

It bothers you when you have to obey a lot of rules (Oh please... I'm the overlord.)

You have no big worries (Just zombies, but what are the chances of... what's that at my window?)

You love to listen to people talk about themselves (Only if they're awesome.)

Many people cannot be trusted (Only vampires.)

You do some things that upset people (Doesn't everyone? Nobody's perfect. Careful not to sound like a lier answering this.)

You have no big regrets about your past (What if you say yes, and people think "Oh, they must've done something pretty screwed up," when really you just wish you had come to someone's defense when they needed it and your life has hereafter been filled with angst?)

It's fun to go out to events with big crowds

Your stuff is often kind of messy

You'd rather not compete very much

You do not fake being polite (I don't think I could. I just am.)

You don't care if you offend people (Of course I care... but it doesn't seem to stop me from pissing certain people off.)

You are not interested in your friends' problems (Then why would they be your friends? Horrible question.)

You always try not to hurt people's feelings

You are a fairly private person (Nothin' wrong with that.)

When you are annoyed with something, you say so (Nothin' wrong with that either, unless you answered "Strongly Disagree" to the one about hurting people's feelings.)

Your friends and family approve of the things you do (If you're doing things right only your friends will. I seem to have everyone's support. Darn me for being great.)

You have to give up on some things that you start

You avoid arguments as much as possible

People do a lot of annoying things (Like breathe)

It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free (Someone must bring villains to justice. Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I shall strike fear into their hearts. I shall become a man clad in spandex!)

You can wait patiently for a long time (Define: patiently... and make it quick.)

You are unsure of what to say when you meet someone (I'm unsure if it's the right thing to say, but I can usually say something.)

You like to take frequent breaks when working on something difficult (Pacing is important.)

You look back and feel bad about things you've done (I should not have stomped on that cat. It's stuck in the tread of my boot and nothing will get it out.)

You ignore people you don't like (The people I don't like are nearly impossible to ignore. That's part of why I don't like them.)

You don't believe a lot of what people say (I'm incredibly gullible.)

You keep calm when under stress

You don't act polite when you don't want to

You ignore people's small mistakes

You keep your feelings to yourself

When your friends need help, they call you first (No, but that may be more to do with them not having my phone number or living in another state.)

You don't care what people think of you (Again, how do you answer this?)

When you go someplace, you are never late (NEVER)

You get mad at yourself when you make mistakes (And fall on my sword in atonement.)

You make more sensible choices than careless ones (I'm trying my best to make more careless choices.)

You are unsure of yourself with new people

You give direct criticism when you need to

You are careful not to offend people

You could describe yourself as 'tidy' (I describe myself using nouns and adverbs, and I make sure to do so in the third person.)

You like to be alone

When someone treats you badly, you ignore it

You chat with people you don't know

Other people's feelings are their own business (If they want it that way. I look at every question as an individual. I forget the employer will compare my answers to other questions. Hopefully if I say "No" they'll be able to tell by the others that I'm not nosy, I just care.)

Slow-moving people make you impatient (On freeways)

You would rather work on a team than by yourself (Emphasis on "team." I thoroughly despise working in "groups." I'm not sure I've ever had a team before. I'd like one.)

It is easy for you to feel what others are feeling

People are often mean to you (You might sound pessimistic if you agree with this, but what if it's the truth? Some people are naturally born punching bags.)

You do not like small talk (It's hard to have deep meaningful conversations at bus stops, and Jehovah's Witnesses are pretty single-minded and don't like discussing Greek Mythology... so...)

You've done your share of troublemaking (Um... evil overlord?)

Any trouble you have is your own fault

You do what you want, no matter what others think (Artist... who's just now getting around to finding a "real" job.)

It is hard to really care about work when the job is boring (I may not "care" per say, but sometimes tedious menial tasks are okay. I'm an animator. Tedious menial tasks are my life.)

You have friends, but don't like them to be too close (Sad day. These questions are so depressing.)

You criticize people when they deserve it

You sometimes thought seriously about quitting high school

You do not like to meet new people

You are not afraid to tell someone off

You don't work too hard because it doesn't pay off anyway (I'm trying to conquer the world. Where's the pay off in ruling over humanity?)

You do things carefully so you don't make mistakes

You could not deal with difficult people all day

You do not like to take orders

People's feelings are sometimes hurt by what you say (People are insulted by Porky Pig's stuttering.)

You are somewhat of a thrill-seeker (I went into a comic book store on free comic book day! What a rush!)

There're about 125 total, and these are a few of my favorites. I really hope they weren't timing my responses as I copied and pasted them here. Some of these questions just made me burst into laughter, especially the ones about how having friends aren't worth it, and such forth. So horrible! I guess it gets right to the point. I would definitely like to use a questionnaire like that for recruiting henchmen. I would also like a Sasuke/Ninja Warrior obstacle course.

All hail Lord Veltha!

(I'm afraid I'm getting far too in character with this blog. I better cool it for the next one.)

Lord Veltha's First First Friday

The soon to be infamous Lord Veltha has had a grand and eventful day indeed. And what do we do afterwards? Why, we come home and blog about it for the benefit of all those poor souls who were unable to experience our uber keenness first hand! (Where is the umlaut button on the keyboard? When I take over the world...)

First and foremost, we got out of the house and had a great conversation about things we are most passionate about... which amounts to mostly nonsense from an outside observer's perspective. I enjoy conversations with people who understand the great things about the fictional world. I like sticking to what makes sense to me. I'm uncomfortable when I feel stupid, and as an overlord it is imperative that I maintain an air of superiority. I am, as the hip kids say, "All that and a bag of chips." (When is the last time you've ever heard anyone say that? Where does crap like that come from, and more importantly where does it go? I'm sure there's a huge refuse repository devoted to defunct slang and expressions. It's probably on the internet where the rest of the trash goes (present blog excluded... and all the blogs I'm following 'cause you're all cool too, I promise.)) I think there are more promising adventures to be had on the horizon, and I am certainly looking forward to them.

I also had a conversation later about the wonders of hemp. When I take over the world I will find a way for it to be legalized. There's so much it's good for. Ethanol fuel, clothing, construction materials; and it grows like a friggin' weed, unlike trees, which grow like... trees. Besides, people don't really need and excuse to be lazy and hungry all the time as it is, so I see no harm. There was some other political banter that I have completely forgotten, and I apologize for that. I don't relate to "reality" and "important issues" as much as someone who corporeally belongs to the physical universe should. That's why I will hire people to care for me. I'm usually good at listening and either agreeing or disagreeing with what people say, but I can never for the life of me remember what we were talking about or why I agreed/disagreed in the first place. I'd make a great politician.

I also went to pretty much the best toy store ever. I want to work at Kazoodles. Since they're full up at the moment I may have to check back in after the summer when college kids go back to school. I'm so enthusiastic about their products though that I would be perfect. I love that they're trusting enough that they will allow me to ride around on one of their little wiggly scooter things... whatever they're called. They're wiggle powered! Granted, it takes more effort to power that than walking at half-speed, but that's probably because they didn't have the special attachment that allows my knees to not be in my ears. Steering will take experience.

I have also discovered that the first Friday of every month, starting this very day, is the First Friday Art Walk. Walking and art are two of my favorite things, and they have found a way to combine the two using some secret alchemical bonding process. It was also here that I used my influence as an overlord to assist in aiding a talented young singer in getting over her stage fright. I probably wasn't necessary. She had all the support in the world from her accompaniment. It was definitely something to see. Other unique attractions included witnessing my very first duprass (I may have seen several in my life time, but only now do I know the word for it. Knowing something exists makes it much easier to recognize.) and what may or may not have been a doppelganger. I have heard reports of someone toting my impressive visage, but I have been fortunate enough to have never laid eyes on my shadow-self. I've also never mistaken someone for someone else either. Then again, I'm usually too embarrassed to ask. Ha! I am embarrassed no more! Lord Veltha has complete confidence in himself (unless I'm around people who are taller, smarter, or prettier than I. Certain smartness and prettiness I can handle, but some is too much to bare. Tall people are pretty much universally uncomfortable to be around since I'm not used to having to look up at people... or even be eye level. Teachers and authority figures are an exception.)

So... that's it. It was actually a much longer and more exciting day than it sounds.

Accomplishments

• Successfully completed arranged conversation.
• Successfully completed impromptu conversation
• Rode around on awesome stuff at a toy store
• Attended super keen art walk thing
• Purchased Mother's Day gift (which I mustn't forget about.)
• Encouraged awesome musicians
• Made a stupid list of things I think I maybe accomplished in a vain attempt to make life sound more impressive

So, there's that. I had intended to attend the Portland Saturday Market water front grand opening tomorrow, but it's supposed to rain. I will not go to Portland in the rain. It'll be hard enough trying to make my way to and through the city as it is. I will not be haunted by that wet dog smell. My past is best forgotten. *Mysterious Angst* Besides, tomorrow is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY! I'm gonna get me my very own copy of Mirage Studios Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1! It's so terrifically satirical of the comics from that period. Nothing like the campy (but still eerily wonderful) cartoon series from the 80's. Tomorrow is also the writer's mixer at Cover To Cover Books. They haven't updated their website, so I don't know what the topic will be this week. I know there's one coming up about writing compelling villains. I'm very interested in what they have to say.

I need a sandwich. I haven't eaten anything today save for a granola bar and some antacids.

Post Script: I have a hold on "How To Win Friends and Influence People" at the library, and it just came in. I should have picked it up and walked around reading it. What was I thinking?