Updates, updates, updates.
I haven't been on Blogger for some time now. I could look up when my last post was, but by that time I'd lose focus and never find my way back to actually writing a new post.
The Astonishing Dude seems to have all but stopped. I seem to have caught the Suck-Virus (if that sounds disgusting, believe me, it is. I don't understand how so many people can live life without being awesome.) and have trouble with minor things such as dialing phones, sending emails, or making it to the library to check out books that I've had on hold until the hold expires (I did finally get one though! It's, uhh... "Stitches" by David Small, and frankly I'm not sure I'm ready to read it. I should probably take it back.) Hopefully I won't have The Suck for much longer, but it seems to be keeping me indoors a lot. Even when I am able to communicate with someone it's fine while it lasts, but immediately afterwords blah blah blah angst no need to get into that muck.
My mediocre career as a voice actor flickers on though. I've recently been cast in the role of Sandayu "The Old Guy" Asama in the Naruto The Abridged Series Movie. In a super roundabout way, as things tend to fall, I auditioned for minor roles in Sonic Abridged, a guy said NTAS was lookin' for someone, and lo and behold I got the part. I have yet to actually get in touch with Vegeta3986, but I must have patience (Not everyone is as burdened with having excessive quantities of free time as myself. Woe is me.) and in time I will be killed by a ninja train (Yes, the train itself is a ninja. It hurls more kunai then anyone else and kills the most people. It might not be the most stealthy assassin what with being a train and all, but hey... this is Naruto we're talking about. they don't actually place a heavy emphasis on stealth.)
I'm writing again. It's been a while. While this is wonderful news considering I'm at my most attuned with greatness when I'm clacking away at a keyboard telling stories that in all likelihood will never reach the eyes of readers, I'm not... actually... uh...
You see, the thing is... this thing I'm writing, while it's great I'm writing it... it's... uh... well, it's it's it's... fan-fiction.
You have to understand. I have horrible associations with fan-fiction on at least two counts. No.1 is quality. I realize that not everyone writes as terribly as the admittedly funny and equally grammatical-aneurysm inducing freakfest of "My Immortal" (of which I have only read about on TVtropes.org and decided I'm not in the right state of mind to read the actual... thing.) but I tend to associate fan-fiction with crap. I'm not saying anything I write is any better (I'm just gracious enough to hide it from anyone and everyone), and I'm sad to admit there are fan-produced works that are better than anything I do, I'm saying that this is my association.
No.2 is more personal. I have this overwhelming need to make something of myself and do things that I deem "Productive." I have no real direction in life, so I don't fully understand how I classify something as productive, but it seems to correspond to busy work I feel good doing. I have this grand scheme that some of my work falls into, but I know full well that this plot will never come to fruition. I'm just working for the sake of working and daydreaming that something good will come of it. With that said; working on an project comprised of unoriginal ideas that I cannot use to further my rhetorical goals seems like a waste of time. It does keep me writing though, and any time spent writing can't be considered a waste of time. It makes me happy. It gets my limited capacity for creativity flowing. It keeps my mind off of other issues. All is well.
Even my doodles are going the way of parody. I'm halfway through my series of AWESOME Luke doodles, depicting how A New Hope would be different if Luke Skywalker didn't suck. The best description I've heard was that this is what Star Wars would be like if Happy Noodle Boy were Luke, which brought me no end of amusement. I originally started doodling again as a way to express my neurotic thoughts, which I continue to do when I come across a thought I'm able to make fun of, but now it's mostly AWESOME Luke (and I do feel the need to capitalise awesome, which may be another neurotic thing.) The idea came about one day as I was walking about daydreaming about Sonic The Hedgehog, as usual, when I started casting Sonic characters as Star Wars roles. After about half an hour of debate I cast Sonic as Luke and laughed at the thought of Luke being awesome. Then the doodles began of AWESOME Luke, and soon after I caved in to the urge to actually write what I'd originally been daydreaming about.
So now everything I'm doing revolves around fandom and parody. My voice acting, writing, and doodles.
I have learned something about myself though. I've learned that nostalgia plays a key role in my life. I learned this while browsing Overclocked Remix. Most of the songs on my MP3 player are either punk covers of old songs, or video game OSTs and remixes. I only listen to songs I've heard before. I have trouble getting into new music. I don't listen to the radio, and when it's on I tend to tune it out. When friends on Facebook post videos of their favorite bands I listen, but I don't feel any connection. Even ripping CDs for Mom I occasionally say, "You know, the rhythm, the melody, everything here is something I would like... but I don't."
Video games are the same way. If I play a new game in a series it feels... wrong. I couldn't get into Sonic Advance, and even Sonic Rush (which is now one of my favorite games) felt odd at first because I'm so used to playing the Genesis titles over and over until I play them by heart the way someone sings a song by heart. When people sing do they remember the words? When I sing the words just flow out. Come the second or third verse I have to remember the first line, but then the rest pours out naturally and I'm not even sure i know what I'm singing. That's how I play video games, and Sonic especially. Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack In Time came out recently. Now, when I got Tools of Destruction it had been a good few years since I played the previous games, and I'd only played through each of them once or twice. When CiT came out I decided to go through all of the games in order before I picked it up at the store. It'd been a long time since I played through the series, so I had nothing memorised, but when I saw things I recalled seeing them before, almost like deja vu. Once I started playing CiT things felt weird. There may be a few cosmetic differences, but every R&C game is pretty much the same. The thing that felt odd wasn't that the game was new, it was that I didn't remember it. I need things to be familiar. I don't respond well to change.
I might be getting a psychological evaluation soon. My therapist asked me last week if I'd ever had one. She felt terrible that she hadn't asked sooner. She also apologized a lot because she didn't want me to feel like there was something "wrong" with me. I know there's nothing "wrong," but I also know there's a whole lot keeping me from being "right," and I'd like to have a better understanding of what that is.
I played Commodore 64 last night for the first time in years. It felt great, even though I died without getting any farther in The Amazing Spider-Man than I have before (Drowning in dookie water.) Batman: The Caped Crusader is just as impossible as I remember, but a lot funnier ("You got the A Fried Egg.") I also suck at Kings of the Beach now, which was never the case before. My reaction time is completely shot. I'm thinking about hooking up my Genesis, even though most of the games I own I've been playing on PS2. The feel of a classic controller can't be emulated.
Showing posts with label ninja. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ninja. Show all posts
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Accomplishment: Still working on it...
Here I am, again, sitting here in an attempt to relay a harrowing tale of my immense success and I've got nothing. This happens on occasion. It's usually a result of hunger, fatigue, or "I had a long day and I'd rather be playing video games or reading comic books." More often then not it's a combination of all three, and today is no exception. The only difference is that usually I post BS like this on LiveJournal where that sort of textureless monologing with no depth to speak of belongs (and I usually spell out bullshit.)
Last week my colorful associates and I met up at the legendary WSU Vancouver and recorded episode one of the soon to be legendary Astonishing Dude. I can't praise them enough. I'm trying though. I'm in the process of editing, and when I hear their lines I rush out of the room and onto FaceBook (I could call them, but then they'd have to get off the computer to answer the phone.) so that I may praise them. After the first two I decided I was making little progress as it was and kept working. I'll be sure to maul them later and suffocate them with praise.
Recording went smoothly. I seem to have given my actors all of the difficult to pronounce words and left all the easy ones to myself. (I'm curious to know how many directors have uttered the phrase, "Let's take it from molecular carbonation.") I was actually surprised at the lack of swearing when it came to line flubs. (I managed to take second place with only "damnit" and "son of a bitch." Actually, maybe I tied for first. The only other person who came close had three damnits. I'm not done editing yet, so maybe there're more lurking about. It could be anyone's game.)
The best part was that the super wonderful station manager, the cunning minx that she is, invited us to see the radio station. She did the exact same thing the last time I was there. First it's "Hey, do you wanna see the station?" and once we're there she slaps some headphones on us, throws us in front of the mics and runs away laughing gleefully over the horison. She's like a person selling kittens.
"Hey, would you like a kitten?"
"No thak you. I'm not interested."
"I bet you are."
"No, really, my mom's allergic. If she even sees one her windpipe swells shut and she can't breathe."
"Would you like to hold one?"
"Um... no..."
"I think one of them is trying to escape."
"What? I don't see..."
"Here, just hold this one while I go after the other."
"Uh... sure. Okay."
"There you go."
"OH MY GOD IT'S ADORABLE!"
"Hmm... seems as though I was mistaken. I could have sworn that..."
"I'LL TAKE TWO!"
"(Sucker)"
I think we may have a two hour time slot on Fridays from 2-4pm (Which can be heard at www.kougradio.com and I think maybe eventually some time soon some other site I don't remember or something. You should listen to it anyway. They play yodeling!) I haven't talked to anyone about it though... so I have no idea what we're doing. Then again, we didn't know what we were doing THEN, so what difference does it make? Maybe we'll read more horoscopes.
I've been keeping fairly busy, but I've made some time for myself. I've only spent 12 hours or so editing episode one, and I'm a bit over ten minutes into the show. Most of the time has been spent online foraging for sound effects. I'm sure once I get all the ones I need future episodes will go a lot quicker. I need to download all the sounds I can find (that work and are of reasonable quality) just to make damn sure I'll have what I need later (especially for the Rube Goldberg Home Kitchen Appliences commercial.)
There are three reasons I haven't spent more time working on this project. 1: I spent the weekend in Snoqualmie. 2: I'm handi-capable and have a rough time with mornings when I don't sleep at night due to the heat. 3: My laptop and external hard drive do not function properly at high temperatures (my laptop completely burnt out once, and today my external hard drive konked out and wouldn't turn back on until I slapped an icepack on it. It's such a diva...)
Now here I am trying to make sense of everything. I don't think I can, and I've given up trying. It seems to have worked out pretty well in my favor. I have four and a third scripts written, so we may only do five shows. This is a killer energy suck. Not that I'm complaining. I get to write and direct, hang out with my friends, and make something that will provide entertainment to dozens. This is exactly what I want. I've got a good thing going and I should follow it 'til the track runs out. Maybe it'll lead me to ways I can accomplish my other goals.
Last week my colorful associates and I met up at the legendary WSU Vancouver and recorded episode one of the soon to be legendary Astonishing Dude. I can't praise them enough. I'm trying though. I'm in the process of editing, and when I hear their lines I rush out of the room and onto FaceBook (I could call them, but then they'd have to get off the computer to answer the phone.) so that I may praise them. After the first two I decided I was making little progress as it was and kept working. I'll be sure to maul them later and suffocate them with praise.
Recording went smoothly. I seem to have given my actors all of the difficult to pronounce words and left all the easy ones to myself. (I'm curious to know how many directors have uttered the phrase, "Let's take it from molecular carbonation.") I was actually surprised at the lack of swearing when it came to line flubs. (I managed to take second place with only "damnit" and "son of a bitch." Actually, maybe I tied for first. The only other person who came close had three damnits. I'm not done editing yet, so maybe there're more lurking about. It could be anyone's game.)
The best part was that the super wonderful station manager, the cunning minx that she is, invited us to see the radio station. She did the exact same thing the last time I was there. First it's "Hey, do you wanna see the station?" and once we're there she slaps some headphones on us, throws us in front of the mics and runs away laughing gleefully over the horison. She's like a person selling kittens.
"Hey, would you like a kitten?"
"No thak you. I'm not interested."
"I bet you are."
"No, really, my mom's allergic. If she even sees one her windpipe swells shut and she can't breathe."
"Would you like to hold one?"
"Um... no..."
"I think one of them is trying to escape."
"What? I don't see..."
"Here, just hold this one while I go after the other."
"Uh... sure. Okay."
"There you go."
"OH MY GOD IT'S ADORABLE!"
"Hmm... seems as though I was mistaken. I could have sworn that..."
"I'LL TAKE TWO!"
"(Sucker)"
I think we may have a two hour time slot on Fridays from 2-4pm (Which can be heard at www.kougradio.com and I think maybe eventually some time soon some other site I don't remember or something. You should listen to it anyway. They play yodeling!) I haven't talked to anyone about it though... so I have no idea what we're doing. Then again, we didn't know what we were doing THEN, so what difference does it make? Maybe we'll read more horoscopes.
I've been keeping fairly busy, but I've made some time for myself. I've only spent 12 hours or so editing episode one, and I'm a bit over ten minutes into the show. Most of the time has been spent online foraging for sound effects. I'm sure once I get all the ones I need future episodes will go a lot quicker. I need to download all the sounds I can find (that work and are of reasonable quality) just to make damn sure I'll have what I need later (especially for the Rube Goldberg Home Kitchen Appliences commercial.)
There are three reasons I haven't spent more time working on this project. 1: I spent the weekend in Snoqualmie. 2: I'm handi-capable and have a rough time with mornings when I don't sleep at night due to the heat. 3: My laptop and external hard drive do not function properly at high temperatures (my laptop completely burnt out once, and today my external hard drive konked out and wouldn't turn back on until I slapped an icepack on it. It's such a diva...)
Now here I am trying to make sense of everything. I don't think I can, and I've given up trying. It seems to have worked out pretty well in my favor. I have four and a third scripts written, so we may only do five shows. This is a killer energy suck. Not that I'm complaining. I get to write and direct, hang out with my friends, and make something that will provide entertainment to dozens. This is exactly what I want. I've got a good thing going and I should follow it 'til the track runs out. Maybe it'll lead me to ways I can accomplish my other goals.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Lord Veltha VS Online Job Application
Most evil overlords are blessed with nearly limitless amounts of funding for their diabolical schemes. Some seem to be able to construct enormous space stations out of thin air every six or seven months (I'm looking at you, Dr. Eggman. By the way: Worst overlord name EVER. Should have stuck with Robotnik.) I on the other hand have not discovered the website where you can apply for evil grants and must fund my empire by getting a... a...
*cough*
A uh... job... I guess...
Not only will finding a job allow me to finance my insidious plot, but it will also fill me with the rage of the common people and fuel my resolve to conquer the world. After all, the overlord is a public servant like any other. Some villains lose sight of that. If I can better understand the plight of the common man, then I can better understand how to make the world a better place. And you all better be grateful! So says Lord Veltha. Plus, having a job comes with the added bonus of garnering respect from people I don't care about. Some people have it in their head that others aren't worth their time unless the have a job, a car, and a place of their own. Only then do they take the time to meet you. Naturally, everyone who meets me thinks I'm the greatest (Please don't confuse optimism with egotism.) I'm more likely to be friends with people who judge me only on merit, but it's harder to get out and meet friends without a job or a car. When I take over the world...
So far I have only made it to the first stage of job acquisition: applications. I've applied to a handful of locations and seek to find more that can possibly accommodate my magnificence. One such location uses the internet in lieu of killing trees (I'm telling you man: hemp! Way of the future.) and so far has the most interesting self-indulgent "Facebook Quiz" like questionnaire.
"Are you now, or have you ever been known by any other name, or have you changed your name (first or last)?"
Every time I come across this question I am always tempted to list Lord Veltha as my alias. (For your information, "Lord Veltha" was not my given name, nor have I legally changed it to such. I feel your disappointment.) For that matter, whenever I am asked for information regarding previous employment I am driven to list the company as "The Velthan Empire" and my position as "Overlord." While I see this as evidence of over qualification for any position I would care to apply for (CEO of a major corporation, video game director/producer, sandwich artist, etc.) there are some (read: all prospective employers) who would not take me seriously. They of course will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. For now I must play their little bureaucratic mind games.
"Are you applying for a job in West Virginia?"
This could just be me. Perhaps it doesn't bother anyone else. It's not that big of a deal, really, and it's probably too much trouble to do this, but I would think that if someone lists their home address and the store location they wish to apply for as being somewhere in the... oh, I don't know... the Pacific North West for example, that this question should not be present on the application. I understand it's difficult to program little details like that and it's easier to just have the computer ask you ridiculous questions, but, you know... anyway...
Oh, I got a kick out of this next one.
"Do you believe it is okay to take small things from your employer without paying for them, such as soda or candy?"
Only if my employer is Bill Gates. He has a swimming pool filled with glazed donuts. He's not going to miss one puny little Mars Bar.
No I do not bloody well think it is okay to steal anything from anyone! Look at that. You made be swear a soddy British cuss. Blimey! To think that anyone would actually answer "yes" to this question fills me with enough rage to curb-stomp kittens. You don't even need a curb to crush kittens, but I'm willing to go outside and take my time because I could use some fresh air as I violently mutilate adorable mammals.
"My Lord, is that a whisker on your boot?"
"Silence, peasant!"
"Yes, My Lord!"
"Can you perform the essential functions of this job or the jobs for which you are applying with or without reasonable accommodations?"
What would constitute as an unreasonable accommodation? So long as I can use a mind control device to manipulate the essences of my co-workers' human nature I'm set to go. Double plus if I can use it on customers. Once I do, then who's to say what is reasonable or otherwise? Sooo... yes. Yes I can.
"Do you like to play video games?"
Does a beleonephobe scream when you push them into a tub of syringes?
"Are you applying for a job in California?"
Does the pope shit in the woods?
"The following are statements about many attitudes and experiences. Read each statement and select the answer that best describes you. Work quickly - choose the answer that comes to mind first."
Alright! This is why I'm here. By here, I mean blogging about these wonderful job applications. Now, I already have a contract written up for anyone who wishes to officially join my evil organization. I wrote it back in high school when I was but a wee menace to society. I don't actually have an application yet, since I judge a person in person rather than on paper, but if I did have an application it would most certainly feature some of these statements. They're multiple choice, and the answers are always "Strongly disagree," "disagree," "agree," "strongly agree."
You would rather not get involved in other people's problems
You say whatever is on your mind (My mouth could never keep up)
You get angry more often than nervous (Catch-22. Angry or nervous? You can't win either way.)
There are some people you really can't stand (And if they're customers I will treat them with respect.)
People do a lot of things that make you angry (Well, not a LOT of things...)
Right now, you care more about having fun than being serious at school or work (Only 'cause I don't have school or work. I'm an artist, and expressing myself is fun.)
It bothers you a long time when someone is unfair to you (I will never forgive that barber for shortchanging me.)
You agree with people more than you argue (How do you answer this without sounding like a pushover or a jerk? I wish they would word it differently, but I guess that's the point of this process.)
When people make mistakes, you correct them
You swear when you argue (No, just when I'm really enthusiastic.)
People who talk all the time are annoying (Depends on what they're talking about and whether or not their voice sounds like dying rabbits attacking a chalkboard.)
There's no use having close friends; they always let you down (<-- Funniest statement on this list. How horrible!)
It bothers you when you have to obey a lot of rules (Oh please... I'm the overlord.)
You have no big worries (Just zombies, but what are the chances of... what's that at my window?)
You love to listen to people talk about themselves (Only if they're awesome.)
Many people cannot be trusted (Only vampires.)
You do some things that upset people (Doesn't everyone? Nobody's perfect. Careful not to sound like a lier answering this.)
You have no big regrets about your past (What if you say yes, and people think "Oh, they must've done something pretty screwed up," when really you just wish you had come to someone's defense when they needed it and your life has hereafter been filled with angst?)
It's fun to go out to events with big crowds
Your stuff is often kind of messy
You'd rather not compete very much
You do not fake being polite (I don't think I could. I just am.)
You don't care if you offend people (Of course I care... but it doesn't seem to stop me from pissing certain people off.)
You are not interested in your friends' problems (Then why would they be your friends? Horrible question.)
You always try not to hurt people's feelings
You are a fairly private person (Nothin' wrong with that.)
When you are annoyed with something, you say so (Nothin' wrong with that either, unless you answered "Strongly Disagree" to the one about hurting people's feelings.)
Your friends and family approve of the things you do (If you're doing things right only your friends will. I seem to have everyone's support. Darn me for being great.)
You have to give up on some things that you start
You avoid arguments as much as possible
People do a lot of annoying things (Like breathe)
It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free (Someone must bring villains to justice. Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I shall strike fear into their hearts. I shall become a man clad in spandex!)
You can wait patiently for a long time (Define: patiently... and make it quick.)
You are unsure of what to say when you meet someone (I'm unsure if it's the right thing to say, but I can usually say something.)
You like to take frequent breaks when working on something difficult (Pacing is important.)
You look back and feel bad about things you've done (I should not have stomped on that cat. It's stuck in the tread of my boot and nothing will get it out.)
You ignore people you don't like (The people I don't like are nearly impossible to ignore. That's part of why I don't like them.)
You don't believe a lot of what people say (I'm incredibly gullible.)
You keep calm when under stress
You don't act polite when you don't want to
You ignore people's small mistakes
You keep your feelings to yourself
When your friends need help, they call you first (No, but that may be more to do with them not having my phone number or living in another state.)
You don't care what people think of you (Again, how do you answer this?)
When you go someplace, you are never late (NEVER)
You get mad at yourself when you make mistakes (And fall on my sword in atonement.)
You make more sensible choices than careless ones (I'm trying my best to make more careless choices.)
You are unsure of yourself with new people
You give direct criticism when you need to
You are careful not to offend people
You could describe yourself as 'tidy' (I describe myself using nouns and adverbs, and I make sure to do so in the third person.)
You like to be alone
When someone treats you badly, you ignore it
You chat with people you don't know
Other people's feelings are their own business (If they want it that way. I look at every question as an individual. I forget the employer will compare my answers to other questions. Hopefully if I say "No" they'll be able to tell by the others that I'm not nosy, I just care.)
Slow-moving people make you impatient (On freeways)
You would rather work on a team than by yourself (Emphasis on "team." I thoroughly despise working in "groups." I'm not sure I've ever had a team before. I'd like one.)
It is easy for you to feel what others are feeling
People are often mean to you (You might sound pessimistic if you agree with this, but what if it's the truth? Some people are naturally born punching bags.)
You do not like small talk (It's hard to have deep meaningful conversations at bus stops, and Jehovah's Witnesses are pretty single-minded and don't like discussing Greek Mythology... so...)
You've done your share of troublemaking (Um... evil overlord?)
Any trouble you have is your own fault
You do what you want, no matter what others think (Artist... who's just now getting around to finding a "real" job.)
It is hard to really care about work when the job is boring (I may not "care" per say, but sometimes tedious menial tasks are okay. I'm an animator. Tedious menial tasks are my life.)
You have friends, but don't like them to be too close (Sad day. These questions are so depressing.)
You criticize people when they deserve it
You sometimes thought seriously about quitting high school
You do not like to meet new people
You are not afraid to tell someone off
You don't work too hard because it doesn't pay off anyway (I'm trying to conquer the world. Where's the pay off in ruling over humanity?)
You do things carefully so you don't make mistakes
You could not deal with difficult people all day
You do not like to take orders
People's feelings are sometimes hurt by what you say (People are insulted by Porky Pig's stuttering.)
You are somewhat of a thrill-seeker (I went into a comic book store on free comic book day! What a rush!)
There're about 125 total, and these are a few of my favorites. I really hope they weren't timing my responses as I copied and pasted them here. Some of these questions just made me burst into laughter, especially the ones about how having friends aren't worth it, and such forth. So horrible! I guess it gets right to the point. I would definitely like to use a questionnaire like that for recruiting henchmen. I would also like a Sasuke/Ninja Warrior obstacle course.
All hail Lord Veltha!
(I'm afraid I'm getting far too in character with this blog. I better cool it for the next one.)
*cough*
A uh... job... I guess...
Not only will finding a job allow me to finance my insidious plot, but it will also fill me with the rage of the common people and fuel my resolve to conquer the world. After all, the overlord is a public servant like any other. Some villains lose sight of that. If I can better understand the plight of the common man, then I can better understand how to make the world a better place. And you all better be grateful! So says Lord Veltha. Plus, having a job comes with the added bonus of garnering respect from people I don't care about. Some people have it in their head that others aren't worth their time unless the have a job, a car, and a place of their own. Only then do they take the time to meet you. Naturally, everyone who meets me thinks I'm the greatest (Please don't confuse optimism with egotism.) I'm more likely to be friends with people who judge me only on merit, but it's harder to get out and meet friends without a job or a car. When I take over the world...
So far I have only made it to the first stage of job acquisition: applications. I've applied to a handful of locations and seek to find more that can possibly accommodate my magnificence. One such location uses the internet in lieu of killing trees (I'm telling you man: hemp! Way of the future.) and so far has the most interesting self-indulgent "Facebook Quiz" like questionnaire.
"Are you now, or have you ever been known by any other name, or have you changed your name (first or last)?"
Every time I come across this question I am always tempted to list Lord Veltha as my alias. (For your information, "Lord Veltha" was not my given name, nor have I legally changed it to such. I feel your disappointment.) For that matter, whenever I am asked for information regarding previous employment I am driven to list the company as "The Velthan Empire" and my position as "Overlord." While I see this as evidence of over qualification for any position I would care to apply for (CEO of a major corporation, video game director/producer, sandwich artist, etc.) there are some (read: all prospective employers) who would not take me seriously. They of course will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. For now I must play their little bureaucratic mind games.
"Are you applying for a job in West Virginia?"
This could just be me. Perhaps it doesn't bother anyone else. It's not that big of a deal, really, and it's probably too much trouble to do this, but I would think that if someone lists their home address and the store location they wish to apply for as being somewhere in the... oh, I don't know... the Pacific North West for example, that this question should not be present on the application. I understand it's difficult to program little details like that and it's easier to just have the computer ask you ridiculous questions, but, you know... anyway...
Oh, I got a kick out of this next one.
"Do you believe it is okay to take small things from your employer without paying for them, such as soda or candy?"
Only if my employer is Bill Gates. He has a swimming pool filled with glazed donuts. He's not going to miss one puny little Mars Bar.
No I do not bloody well think it is okay to steal anything from anyone! Look at that. You made be swear a soddy British cuss. Blimey! To think that anyone would actually answer "yes" to this question fills me with enough rage to curb-stomp kittens. You don't even need a curb to crush kittens, but I'm willing to go outside and take my time because I could use some fresh air as I violently mutilate adorable mammals.
"My Lord, is that a whisker on your boot?"
"Silence, peasant!"
"Yes, My Lord!"
"Can you perform the essential functions of this job or the jobs for which you are applying with or without reasonable accommodations?"
What would constitute as an unreasonable accommodation? So long as I can use a mind control device to manipulate the essences of my co-workers' human nature I'm set to go. Double plus if I can use it on customers. Once I do, then who's to say what is reasonable or otherwise? Sooo... yes. Yes I can.
"Do you like to play video games?"
Does a beleonephobe scream when you push them into a tub of syringes?
"Are you applying for a job in California?"
Does the pope shit in the woods?
"The following are statements about many attitudes and experiences. Read each statement and select the answer that best describes you. Work quickly - choose the answer that comes to mind first."
Alright! This is why I'm here. By here, I mean blogging about these wonderful job applications. Now, I already have a contract written up for anyone who wishes to officially join my evil organization. I wrote it back in high school when I was but a wee menace to society. I don't actually have an application yet, since I judge a person in person rather than on paper, but if I did have an application it would most certainly feature some of these statements. They're multiple choice, and the answers are always "Strongly disagree," "disagree," "agree," "strongly agree."
You would rather not get involved in other people's problems
You say whatever is on your mind (My mouth could never keep up)
You get angry more often than nervous (Catch-22. Angry or nervous? You can't win either way.)
There are some people you really can't stand (And if they're customers I will treat them with respect.)
People do a lot of things that make you angry (Well, not a LOT of things...)
Right now, you care more about having fun than being serious at school or work (Only 'cause I don't have school or work. I'm an artist, and expressing myself is fun.)
It bothers you a long time when someone is unfair to you (I will never forgive that barber for shortchanging me.)
You agree with people more than you argue (How do you answer this without sounding like a pushover or a jerk? I wish they would word it differently, but I guess that's the point of this process.)
When people make mistakes, you correct them
You swear when you argue (No, just when I'm really enthusiastic.)
People who talk all the time are annoying (Depends on what they're talking about and whether or not their voice sounds like dying rabbits attacking a chalkboard.)
There's no use having close friends; they always let you down (<-- Funniest statement on this list. How horrible!)
It bothers you when you have to obey a lot of rules (Oh please... I'm the overlord.)
You have no big worries (Just zombies, but what are the chances of... what's that at my window?)
You love to listen to people talk about themselves (Only if they're awesome.)
Many people cannot be trusted (Only vampires.)
You do some things that upset people (Doesn't everyone? Nobody's perfect. Careful not to sound like a lier answering this.)
You have no big regrets about your past (What if you say yes, and people think "Oh, they must've done something pretty screwed up," when really you just wish you had come to someone's defense when they needed it and your life has hereafter been filled with angst?)
It's fun to go out to events with big crowds
Your stuff is often kind of messy
You'd rather not compete very much
You do not fake being polite (I don't think I could. I just am.)
You don't care if you offend people (Of course I care... but it doesn't seem to stop me from pissing certain people off.)
You are not interested in your friends' problems (Then why would they be your friends? Horrible question.)
You always try not to hurt people's feelings
You are a fairly private person (Nothin' wrong with that.)
When you are annoyed with something, you say so (Nothin' wrong with that either, unless you answered "Strongly Disagree" to the one about hurting people's feelings.)
Your friends and family approve of the things you do (If you're doing things right only your friends will. I seem to have everyone's support. Darn me for being great.)
You have to give up on some things that you start
You avoid arguments as much as possible
People do a lot of annoying things (Like breathe)
It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free (Someone must bring villains to justice. Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I shall strike fear into their hearts. I shall become a man clad in spandex!)
You can wait patiently for a long time (Define: patiently... and make it quick.)
You are unsure of what to say when you meet someone (I'm unsure if it's the right thing to say, but I can usually say something.)
You like to take frequent breaks when working on something difficult (Pacing is important.)
You look back and feel bad about things you've done (I should not have stomped on that cat. It's stuck in the tread of my boot and nothing will get it out.)
You ignore people you don't like (The people I don't like are nearly impossible to ignore. That's part of why I don't like them.)
You don't believe a lot of what people say (I'm incredibly gullible.)
You keep calm when under stress
You don't act polite when you don't want to
You ignore people's small mistakes
You keep your feelings to yourself
When your friends need help, they call you first (No, but that may be more to do with them not having my phone number or living in another state.)
You don't care what people think of you (Again, how do you answer this?)
When you go someplace, you are never late (NEVER)
You get mad at yourself when you make mistakes (And fall on my sword in atonement.)
You make more sensible choices than careless ones (I'm trying my best to make more careless choices.)
You are unsure of yourself with new people
You give direct criticism when you need to
You are careful not to offend people
You could describe yourself as 'tidy' (I describe myself using nouns and adverbs, and I make sure to do so in the third person.)
You like to be alone
When someone treats you badly, you ignore it
You chat with people you don't know
Other people's feelings are their own business (If they want it that way. I look at every question as an individual. I forget the employer will compare my answers to other questions. Hopefully if I say "No" they'll be able to tell by the others that I'm not nosy, I just care.)
Slow-moving people make you impatient (On freeways)
You would rather work on a team than by yourself (Emphasis on "team." I thoroughly despise working in "groups." I'm not sure I've ever had a team before. I'd like one.)
It is easy for you to feel what others are feeling
People are often mean to you (You might sound pessimistic if you agree with this, but what if it's the truth? Some people are naturally born punching bags.)
You do not like small talk (It's hard to have deep meaningful conversations at bus stops, and Jehovah's Witnesses are pretty single-minded and don't like discussing Greek Mythology... so...)
You've done your share of troublemaking (Um... evil overlord?)
Any trouble you have is your own fault
You do what you want, no matter what others think (Artist... who's just now getting around to finding a "real" job.)
It is hard to really care about work when the job is boring (I may not "care" per say, but sometimes tedious menial tasks are okay. I'm an animator. Tedious menial tasks are my life.)
You have friends, but don't like them to be too close (Sad day. These questions are so depressing.)
You criticize people when they deserve it
You sometimes thought seriously about quitting high school
You do not like to meet new people
You are not afraid to tell someone off
You don't work too hard because it doesn't pay off anyway (I'm trying to conquer the world. Where's the pay off in ruling over humanity?)
You do things carefully so you don't make mistakes
You could not deal with difficult people all day
You do not like to take orders
People's feelings are sometimes hurt by what you say (People are insulted by Porky Pig's stuttering.)
You are somewhat of a thrill-seeker (I went into a comic book store on free comic book day! What a rush!)
There're about 125 total, and these are a few of my favorites. I really hope they weren't timing my responses as I copied and pasted them here. Some of these questions just made me burst into laughter, especially the ones about how having friends aren't worth it, and such forth. So horrible! I guess it gets right to the point. I would definitely like to use a questionnaire like that for recruiting henchmen. I would also like a Sasuke/Ninja Warrior obstacle course.
All hail Lord Veltha!
(I'm afraid I'm getting far too in character with this blog. I better cool it for the next one.)
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